So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said “I’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said “What are you going to do now?” ...
“Oh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.
3 men are stuck on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
They throw one over board and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
This is what being American is all about. Second Amendment Lights.
You are lost in winter but find a cabin. You find it has a fireplace, a kerosene lamp and a stove, but you only have one match. What item in the cabin do you light first?
The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles in here.”
A faster-than-light particle walks into a bar.
What did God do after creating a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth?
Light is lighter than most light matter
When God lights a cigarette....
Is it with a match made in Heaven ?
Where was Moses when the lights went out?
In the dark.
My dad literally just said this to me, so I felt it was appropriate to post.
What do you call a blimp wrapped in Christmas lights?
I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.
Guess they needed an emergency service.
The pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.
Will glass coffins ever be popular?
I have always been a light eater...
When it gets light, I start eating.
362 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up...
Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
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My 9yr old son just told me this 🤪
Just took down my icicle lights..
Now my hands are frozen..
Seriously guys. Take your Christmas lights down.
Christmas was literally last year.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
What do you call a woman that would rather stare at her phone than look up at the Northern lights?
What's blue and doesn't weigh much?
A big light switch is a major turn-on
Honey, you are the sun that lights my sky.
I'm glad you're there, but god I hate looking at you.
Why did the flash light get arrested?...
.
.
.
.
For public flashing.
How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.
They swing with alot of Force.
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
My dog ate a string of Christmas lights, but the vet was able to remove them.
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
Why did the dad kneel on the Christmas lights?
He wanted to put up neon lights.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One... Or two.
One......... Or two.
Did you know that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?
My German friend Hans got so drunk on American light beer we had to carry him to the truck to go home...
Why is dark written with a K not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
My car had check engine light on...
So I told my son that the car might be “sick”.
My son said: “does it have the Car-onavirus?” And started cracking up.
Instead of decorating my whole house this year, I decided to put all of my lights in my drinks cupboard instead..
We'll Christmas is all about Makings Spirits Bright
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The light of my life, a future dad:
Do black and white count as colors?
I had a girlfriend years ago that had a passion for light switches
It was an on/off relationship
Today, while hanging Halloween lights, my 3 year old made his first pun:
Wow, that blue spider is so beautiful! It’s Blue-tiful!
I’m so proud.
Didn't light up on SLPT, maybe y'all will like it.
Son: There's a life-sized "Leg lamp" at the light display! It's like 4 feet tall!
Me: No, it's only one foot.
My wife bought me a new shirt for my birthday!
How do you "kill the lights"?
You hang them from the ceiling
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb...
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