Fresh puns
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BEASTXDG
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Farm fresh puns
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snowed-Inn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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True Story: tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.

My 4 year old said β€œmummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”

Needless to say I was in stitches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
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Eating more fresh vegetables makes you an expert pooper. It's right in the name.

Pro deuce

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm?

You look for fresh prints

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHibernian
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
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I gave my son a fresh fish for Christmas

I don't understand why he was so disappointed. He told me he wanted the new cod

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChefRagnarok
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
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Why do people from the alt right only eat fresh food?

- Because they hate left overs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubenmiq
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
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I can't think about buying any stupid pure freshly squeezed juice right now.

I need to concentrate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pirateahoj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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I just baked some fresh chocolate chip cookies
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a hunter’s favorite show?

Fresh Prince.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cdbull
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Some well considered puns

From an email my cousin sent me:

I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.

The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.

A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.

Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.

Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.

To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.

If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.

If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.

A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.

Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eli_Truax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
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We made a dill potato salad last night, and man, was it delicious. So fresh and herby...

It was some baller baller dill, y’all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HyruleanHyroe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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My footless brother stepped all over a freshly hatched anthill

Guess you could say he's lack-toes in toddler ants

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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The fresh prince
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pwwafwl6
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Fresh from our fellow r/meme-rs
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpazioCreativity
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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Fresh from r/softwaregore
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpazioCreativity
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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Even if you use fresh water in a water gun...

It's still assault water.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cindolintoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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β€ͺMy cat really seemed to enjoy her fresh meal today...‬

It was mousewatering‬

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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My fresh herbs will go bad soon

I want to make pesto but I’m running out of thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/animel4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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My new spice merchant can be a little sassy. I asked her for some fresh, high-quality thyme.

She told me, "If you got the money, honey, I got the thyme."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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This coffee tastes like mud!

Well, it is fresh ground.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cxflyer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
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I have a step ladder...

I never knew my real ladder, but my step ladder raised me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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Can someone near Houston send pics of where they walked in the snow?

I want to see the fresh prints of Bellaire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DownwardSpirals
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
A man makes fresh coffee and takes it to his wife in bed....

She drinks it and goes: β€œUgh, this tastes like dirt.”

He responds: β€œWell, honey, it was just ground.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/errorFohOhFoh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
He can provide you with fresh prints.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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My friend thought I chucked a freshly eaten apple at his face.

He was core-wrecked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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Why did the drummer play with vegetables?

He needed some fresh beets . . .

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πŸ‘€︎ u/photoman901
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
🚨︎ report
Dad always loves some fresh root beer in the afternoon. v.redd.it/794w2gaknmk11
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mechanicalmind
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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Fresh off the oven
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theEndWasShit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MRyeti18
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I keep being awakened by dreams of Indian dishes that use a complex combination of spices or herbs, usually including ground turmeric, cumin, coriander, ginger, and fresh or dried chilies...

It's a re-curry-ing nightmare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do cannibals eat for a fresh breath?

Men-toes

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you tell if your eggs are fresh?

Check the eggspiration date

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobGrizzly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Ok fresh
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hmmmmmmble_trauma
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the opposite of Lady Fingers?

Mentos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Canooter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the freshly waxed car say to the rain?

Quit beading up on me!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BassMan2511
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Hot and fresh, made to order puns!

Do you need a pun? Just ask!

I can do puns with just one subject, puns that connect two subjects, pun pickup lines, and pun-chlines for jokes of the form "____ walks into a bar."

Just comment on this post with the subject you need a pun on, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrAcurite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Bee living in America

USB

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Aarsh
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonymouspapayaz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
How do you track Will Smith in the snow?

Fresh prints

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackfish270
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
How do you find Will Smith after a snow storm?

You follow the fresh prints

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ace1986
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for Fresh Prints.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustinJSJ
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

Easy. Just look for fresh prints.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EMOmosie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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