It was a cool ant.
Now it’s an isotop.
It's a house-warming present.
That would mean a banana tree is a nuclear plant.
Question: Why don't radioactive animals talk?
Answer: Because they're mute-ated!
It was chair noble.
He now radiates happiness.
She was pretty in tents!
"Bullshit! I've been using that stuff for years and...(looks at 13" scar across his stomach from whipple procedure to remove tumors, looks back at family for effect) oh... shit..."
Never lost his great attitude towards life, family, and people in general. Always quick with a joke/dad joke until the end.
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T... keep reading on reddit ➡
...because when it's cold it gets turned on.
So that Kim Jong Un can still claim to have new clear weapons.
And boy are my arms legs.
All the Hawking radiation.
My apartment is currently having radiator problems and while discussing it via email, one of my buddies made the following typo: "...I'm more interested in when they will Putin [sic] a new floor lest we repeat the multi-week hole in the ceiling experience."
To which I reply: "Like roommate, I'm wondering when they'll fix the floor but my guess is that they're just Stalin while they wait for the radiator situation to be worked out."
This is from an actual IM chat I had with someone a while back. This was all on impulse. Nothing was planned.
ME: The main reason you want a strong lock is not because they're unbreakable, but because your neighbor should be the easier target.
HIM: Ayup. Although if you want an impenetrable lock, might I recommend Benson's Black Hole Vaults?
ME: I'd want to be able to get my stuff out, again, too.
HIM: Wait long enough. It'll evaporate out.
ME: ... in the same state in which I deposited it in the vault.
HIM: Don't want much, do you?
ME: I could try to sell the stuff in its evaporated state ... But I don't like hawking radiation.
HIM: boo HISS
It's quite radiating.
Mum: "Do you think it's abandoned?"
Dad: "Looks dairy-lict to me."
You could feel the pride radiating from him.
Serious question. I'm a dad, and I have several long-running jokes with my kids.
E.g., there's a "radiator monster" in the basement. Yeah, that knocking sound when we turn the steam up in the morning. Well, my eldest is getting smarter and smarter, but he still can't refute my claim that there is such a monster. Because he's not yet aware of the actual cause of the knocking/banging.
So, he's unsure!
This is a good Dad-joke, no?