Seriously though, terrible loss.
Jim: How about Jimber?
Tim: I’ve got a better idea...
It was rays against thyme.
His dad replied, "no son".
I drove up to the local drive thru this morning to get breakfast for myself and the kids and one of my daughter's older friends was working the window. She had a sign on the window that said "Need 5's Please!" When she put her hand out for payment, I turned it around and gave her an enthusiastic high 5. She asked "Why did you do that?" I pointed to the sign. She rolled her eyes. My daughter shrunk down into her seat, facepalming. I drove home beaming.
but the only way out was from the roof. They got up there, before realizing they didn’t have any rope. One guy says, “Oh yeah! I’ve got a flashlight! Ill point it to the ground and you can climb down the beam.” The other guy says, “What, am I crazy? I’d get half way down and you’d turn it off!”
They both have tractor beams!
Years ago I thought my “communicator” would be used to beam me aboard my ship, or call for assistance in case of hostile aliens. Instead, it reminds me to take out the trash and that my colonoscopy is due.
How do you get a symphony drunk?
Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, “We can get out of here.”
The other guy says, “We can?”
He says, “Yes.”
The other guy says, “How?”
The first guy says, “I’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll throw the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.”
The guy says, “You really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”
(Editor’s note: Batman fans will recognize this as the final joke in The Killing Joke).
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love."
To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain."
No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
I pulled beside the shiny car, beaming at the price and quality...except I noticed the back passenger door seemed have water dripping out the side panel. I giggled to myself:
Might as well call it a'Leakin, amirite?
Would they use I-beams
I guess they must be testing out their tractor beam!
I had the procedure done 10 years ago, and I STILL can’t shoot laser beams from my eyes!
"How is the framework coming along Johnny?"
"It's almost done boss!" Said Johnny, beaming.
They have "hi" beams!
Because they have a tractor beam.
Turned to the wife and said "Do you like what I'm wearing?" (Lulling her into a false sense of security)
She smiles at me, blissfully unaware of my setup and thinking I'm just being cute.
"It's a son-hat." I say with a grin.
The groan she gave me told me I had done well.
Beam me up biscotti.
A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.
“Daddy, may I ask you a question ?”
“Yeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.
“Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?”
“That’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.
“I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.
“If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”
“Oh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.
Looking up, he said, “Daddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”
The father was furious. “If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you’re being so selfish. I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and st... keep reading on reddit ➡
A family walks into a Chinese restaurant and everyone orders traditional Chinese food except Dad.
He has to have a steak, medium rare with rice.
After everone finishes, the waiter asks if everyone enjoyed the meal, everyone agrees that it was lovely but Dad says nothing
The waiter turns to Dad and asks "did you enjoy your meal sir?"
Dad replies" it was okay but the steak was rubbery"
The Chinese waiter beams with a smile from ear to ear and says "thank you so much, I'll tell the chef"
With a tractor beam.
My Dad was the worst. And by that, I mean the best. He had a Dad Joke for everything.
I accidently left my wallet in my pants and they went through the wash?
"Don't you know it's illegal to launder money?" He would crack.
We would drive by the cemetery and he would always remark.
"That place is so popular, people are dying to get in"
Many groans were had.
I would ask him, "Dad, where do you get all these awful jokes?" and he looked square in the eye and said.
"Son, on the day you were born - your Grandfather - my father gave me a book. '1001 Dad Jokes' and that where I get them from"
And life continued. Any opportunity to crack wise he would take it. Even when I moved out and got my own place it didn't stop. I had my Dad over to help me repaint the walls from cream to white.
"Boy" He whistled. "This wall sure pales in comparison to that one"
My eyes rolled and he just shrugged. "It's the book!"
He couldn't even help himself at my wedding and broke out a Dad Joke during the... keep reading on reddit ➡
4 year old: "Ok, repeat after me"
2 year old: "After me"
Me: beaming with pride
My dad was talking about his college calculus class
Dad: "I could barely understand my calculus professor. He was always speaking Chinese"
Me: "Are you sure he was speaking Chinese or was it just all Greek to you?"
Everyone except my dad groaned. He was beaming with pride
Driving my daughter to school this morning, we passed a company with a big sign that said Plus Consulting. I said, "I wonder why they don't consult on minuses." My daughter said, "because they're too negative." Hearty dad laughing commenced and she beamed with pride.
A little kid and his dad were walking past a shop one day when the kid spies a bright red tricycle in the store window. The kid starts to beg his dad for the it, saying that he never wanted anything more than that tricycle and that he would never be bad again. The dad simply asks the kid, "Can your dick touch your ass?". The kid, disarmed, just says "No." to his dad, who responds "Too bad, then." and continues walking.
A few years later, the kid (now a teenager) and his dad were driving past a motorcycle dealership. The kid takes one look at a beautiful Panhead sitting outside and begins begging his dad for the motorcycle. The dad just looks at his kid again and asks, "Can your dick touch your ass?". The kid, who had forgotten the tricycle until then, just responds with "No." His dad just chuckles and says "Too bad, then."
Fast forward another few years, the kid is now an adult coming home from his last year at college to see his folks. The first thing he does when he sees his dad is... keep reading on reddit ➡
My girlfriend and I were eating dinner, and she was talking about her coworkers. She was listing them and she said, "There's George, and two Carolinas. " I immediately replied, "North and South?" She rolled her eyes and groaned while I beamed happily.
My dad and I are halfway through a quick little Eurotrip, and we're stopped in Maribor for a couple of days so he can do some cycling. We're at dinner last night, and I ask our waitress for the check. My dad's face beams as he belts out a quick:
We're on the road together for another week.
Me: how is your homework going
Him: I'm done
Me: Don't call yourself dumb, your are a smart boy.
Him: No dad, I am finished.
Me: You are Finnish? I didn't know you were from Finland.
My wife: heavy groans and eye roll then promptly walks away
Me: Beaming with pride
In history class, talking about economic impact and prices of goods.
Student: "I hear they're thinking about raising milk prices to around 7 dollars or something!"
Teacher: "That would be utterly disgusting."
Only a slow clap from a couple kids while he wore a beaming smile, proud of his daily dad joke.
At dinner tonight I was talking about trying out the crafts for the summer camp I work for. Without missing a beat my dad says, "Oh, so you're a craft-test dummy?" Despite the fact we all groaned he still beamed proudly and pumped his fists in the air.
Bought some pizza slices and while I was filling up my drink from the soda fountain, there was a family of four talking about, of all things, medical professions. The daughter at the table said she thought a proctologist was basically a pervert since they'd be focused on butts all day every day.
The mom explained that you wouldn't call a heart surgeon who uses tools to literally crack open a person's chest cavity and muck around with things a serial killer, so why would you call a doctor who specializes in proctology a pervert?
The dad then chimed in "No that's not right... a serial killer is someone who uses Captain Crunch to murder another person!"
Silence at the table, and the daughter groaned rather loudly. I happened to make eye contact with the dad and just smirked and nodded, which made him beam, and walked out the door to hear him say "Right? Right guys?"
Well done, sir.
While putting up framework in a construction site, a worker waves at the crane operator about to place a main support beam and yells "stop, that beam isn't strong enough! There's no way this will hold the upper levels!". The foreman pushes the worker aside and yells to the crane driver "It's fine. Truss me, I'm an engineer!"
... and we came around to how dangerous it is for the U.S. to arm rebels, like Reagan did with Osama bin Laden. Then I pointed out how impressively organized the Peshmerga of Kurdistan are, and how good allies they seem to be. At this, my dad started beaming, and pulled out this groaner:
"As I've always said to your mother, when it comes to the Middle East, the Kurds are the way."
He took half a second to think, and said, "If you live the present, does that make 'reddit,' 'readit'?" I cringed. He was beaming.