What does a beam of light wear when it wants to get kinky?

Massless Chaps

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aakruzel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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1986, The Chernobyl reactor exploded, releasing a bright, radioactive beam into the sky. People in towns away stared at it in awe.

They must've thought that it was pretty rad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackKnightiscool
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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A Jim Beam warehouse caught fire, destroying 40,000 barrels of bourbon. Warehouse workers were reported to be in "low spirits."

Seriously though, terrible loss.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/relativelyben
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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The original Tractor Beam!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeygallinal
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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You guys hear about the latest batch of Jim Beam? I've been told it's pretty lit.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cbt711
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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The beam over the stairs in my house is a bit low, so I put up an appropriate warning sign. [yes, I'm a dad]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeronine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
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I used light beams to eradicate a common herb...

It was rays against thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/gone4011s
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
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Have you read the manual on connecting steel beams?

It's riveting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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If you put a horse on a balance beam, would it be called a gallop pole?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nimmems
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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What did the magnifying glass say to the light beam?

Get bent.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/MeowMixSong
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2016
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My wife beamed at me and said, β€œI had no idea our son would go that far!” Tearing up, I stammered, β€œI know!"

"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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Jim Is Beaming


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πŸ‘€︎ u/OldMan3212
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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What does a Trekkie priest say right before he dies?

β€œBeam me up, Goddy!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sf340flier
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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I drove home beaming...

I drove up to the local drive thru this morning to get breakfast for myself and the kids and one of my daughter's older friends was working the window. She had a sign on the window that said "Need 5's Please!" When she put her hand out for payment, I turned it around and gave her an enthusiastic high 5. She asked "Why did you do that?" I pointed to the sign. She rolled her eyes. My daughter shrunk down into her seat, facepalming. I drove home beaming.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperDadMan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2014
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My Dad: Can you tell me a sensible sentence that uses the word 'because', three times, consecutively?

Me: Not today, Dad.

My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face

I use because, because, because is a conjunction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yours_petpeeve
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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My pops is beaming with pride over this one

How do you get a symphony drunk?




Cello Shots!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IHSV1855
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2014
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The best way to get dad joked:

I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.

I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?

She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.

So I say, not yet I'm dirty.

She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:

Hi! um...

wait a sec,

um, I know um,

um, wait.... dir...

[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]

Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!

I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...

It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...

It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.

His dad replied, "no son".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MahdeenSky
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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I'm a builder and my work is completely unparalleled.

I can't ever seem to get the beams to line up with each other.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTeddly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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How do space cowboys wrangle their cattle?

A tractor beam

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cranky_Windlass
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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2 crazy men were trying to escape from a mental facility...

but the only way out was from the roof. They got up there, before realizing they didn’t have any rope. One guy says, β€œOh yeah! I’ve got a flashlight! Ill point it to the ground and you can climb down the beam.” The other guy says, β€œWhat, am I crazy? I’d get half way down and you’d turn it off!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carasius
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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Giving my one year old boy a shoulder ride when I lifted him up and put him on my head...

Turned to the wife and said "Do you like what I'm wearing?" (Lulling her into a false sense of security)
She smiles at me, blissfully unaware of my setup and thinking I'm just being cute.
"It's a son-hat." I say with a grin.
The groan she gave me told me I had done well.

πŸ‘︎ 430
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2016
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Real dad joke story time.

I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love."

To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain."

No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mynickname86
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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Bum me up!

Years ago I thought my β€œcommunicator” would be used to beam me aboard my ship, or call for assistance in case of hostile aliens. Instead, it reminds me to take out the trash and that my colonoscopy is due.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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Why do UFOs love fields so much?

I guess they must be testing out their tractor beam!

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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What did the intergalactic cookie say to the other intergalactic cookie?

Beam me up biscotti.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardedBinder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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Two guys at the funny farm

Two guys at the funny farm. One guy says, β€œWe can get out of here.”

The other guy says, β€œWe can?”

He says, β€œYes.”

The other guy says, β€œHow?”

The first guy says, β€œI’ve got a big flashlight. Tonight we’ll come out to the wall, I’ll throw the light up against the wall, and you climb up the beam.”

The guy says, β€œYou really think I’m nuts, don’t you? I know what you’d do! I’d get halfway up, you’d shut it off!”

(Editor’s note: Batman fans will recognize this as the final joke in The Killing Joke).


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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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My bank sells repo cars. The other day, they had a Lincoln sedan for sale...

I pulled beside the shiny car, beaming at the price and quality...except I noticed the back passenger door seemed have water dripping out the side panel. I giggled to myself:

Might as well call it a'Leakin, amirite?


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πŸ‘€︎ u/CurbsideChaos
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Lights that are used to help tie shoes?

Lacer beams

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/mmrtnt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
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If Apple got into the construction business

Would they use I-beams

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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Laser eye surgery is a scam and should be avoided at all costs.

I had the procedure done 10 years ago, and I STILL can’t shoot laser beams from my eyes!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plmcalli
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Why do aliens always target farms?

Because they have a tractor beam.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavosAlexander
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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Fireflies are able to generate a bright light to attract mates...

They have "hi" beams!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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A General Contractor walked up to one of his workers on a jobsite.

"How is the framework coming along Johnny?"

"It's almost done boss!" Said Johnny, beaming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pandiax
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

β€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?”

β€œYeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.

β€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

β€œThat’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

β€œI just want to know.Β  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

β€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

β€œOh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, β€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”

The father was furious. β€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.Β Β  Think about why you’re being so selfish.Β  I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.Β  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.Β  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.Β  β€œAre you asleep son?” he asked.

β€œNo daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

β€œI’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.Β  β€œIt’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

β€œOh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.Β  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

β€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

β€œBecause I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

β€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.Β  Can I buy an hour of your time?”

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleverley1986
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
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The Book

My Dad was the worst. And by that, I mean the best. He had a Dad Joke for everything.

I accidently left my wallet in my pants and they went through the wash?

"Don't you know it's illegal to launder money?" He would crack.

We would drive by the cemetery and he would always remark.

"That place is so popular, people are dying to get in"

Many groans were had.

I would ask him, "Dad, where do you get all these awful jokes?" and he looked square in the eye and said.

"Son, on the day you were born - your Grandfather - my father gave me a book. '1001 Dad Jokes' and that where I get them from"

And life continued. Any opportunity to crack wise he would take it. Even when I moved out and got my own place it didn't stop. I had my Dad over to help me repaint the walls from cream to white.

"Boy" He whistled. "This wall sure pales in comparison to that one"

My eyes rolled and he just shrugged. "It's the book!"

He couldn't even help himself at my wedding and broke out a Dad Joke during the toast.

"If this is the toast, where are the eggs?"

"Sorry son, it's the book!" He said with a devilish grin.

So months pass and my wife is in labor at the hospital with our first child. I'm sitting in the waiting room with my dad for support. Suddenly, a nurse comes out beaming with glee.

"Congratulations, sir! It's a girl!"

Me and my dad jump up and whoop for joy, hugging. I can't wait to go in and see my wife and child.

"Wait son" My dad says and pulls a little book out of his jacket pocket. "This is for you"

I look at the little book and sure enough, it's "1001 Dad Jokes"

I tear up instantly.

"I...I.." I stammer.."I'm touched.."

My dad gets the world's biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

"Hi touched...." He pauses for effect.

"I'm Dad"

πŸ‘︎ 185
πŸ‘€︎ u/extraflux
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
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How do space farmers harvest their crops?

With a tractor beam.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sobertigerwoods
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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The apprentice has become the master

My dad was talking about his college calculus class

Dad: "I could barely understand my calculus professor. He was always speaking Chinese"

Me: "Are you sure he was speaking Chinese or was it just all Greek to you?"

Everyone except my dad groaned. He was beaming with pride

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwlarkin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
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What holds the roof up at Apples Headquarters?


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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whitetaild33r
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
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Proud dad

Driving my daughter to school this morning, we passed a company with a big sign that said Plus Consulting. I said, "I wonder why they don't consult on minuses." My daughter said, "because they're too negative." Hearty dad laughing commenced and she beamed with pride.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Davy_Dee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
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My wife beamed at me with pride and said "Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!"

I said, "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter."

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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My wife looked at me beaming with pride and said, β€œWow! I never thought our son could go so far!”

I said, β€œI know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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My 2 year old is going to make a great dad some day.

4 year old: "Ok, repeat after me"

2 year old: "After me"

Me: beaming with pride

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ‘€︎ u/vanillaacid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
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