My girlfriend said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.

So I bought her a candle.

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5x13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
What happens when you burn pasta?

It becomes Al Dante

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
And I’m sure he felt the burn too!
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andresdoughmas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
Why can’t candles burn during the week?

Because they only burn on wick ends

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JayCola93
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
What burns longer; a red candle or a blue candle?

Neither; they both burn shorter!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cabbithunt
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
My sister becomes physically ill when I burn her toast.

It turns out she's black-toast-intilerant.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Creep_Stroganoff
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
When dad burns breakfast
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he drank coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 121
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiosMioMan2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on a piece of pizza?

He ate it before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toku-Nation
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
🚨︎ report
Came up with this joke for my surgeon at the burn center.

What do you call a guy with a thermal injury to his patella?

>!Bernie!<

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?

Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report
A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...

The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReceptionSweet383
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
How do you quickly burn 900 calories?

By forgetting the pizza in the oven

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
Why did Tiger Woods' house burn down?

Because he got rid of all his hose.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.

I've done that, but what do I do with the letter.

πŸ‘︎ 331
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valdagast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My son told me, β€œDad, I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, and now it burns.”

I said, β€œThat’s Heinz sight for you.”

πŸ‘︎ 456
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do fairies burn when in contact with metal?

They're alloy-gic!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFillywonk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20
🚨︎ report
My mate had a combined Burns Night and Chinese New Year party he called Chinese Burns Night

I wasn't going to go, but he twisted my arm

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/localgasgiant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his lips on coffee?

He drank it before it was cool!

(My old Language Arts teacher said this.)

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeezoTheWeirdo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The police say they burn all the weed they confiscate.

That would explain the doughnuts.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories

I left my brownies in the oven too long

πŸ‘︎ 426
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mafiaworks_08
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Churn and burn

At least that’s what the witch Puritans used to say.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I just gave a sick burn to a load of hedges shaped into a pattern.

It was amazing.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Shoe company burns down

No soles were lost

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VirtuminVG
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aurikidink
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate people who keep telling me that I need to be saved or else I'm going to burn.

Stupid Firemen

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SCRAPP13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My mate Gav sadly passed away this morning. Doctors say it was severe heart burn.

Cannot believe Gaviscon

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schwifty98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Oh man that burns...
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/njsh20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I just published a book on how to prevent skin injuries and minor burns.

It’s non friction.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Burn the living room.
πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sushal_Stha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What would Mr. Burns say if he were a wizard?

Hexcellent

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyljim
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
[NSFWish] Did you hear about the new eyelid replacement surgery for burn victims?

They use foreskin to replace them. Only side-effect is coming out a little cockeyed.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noapostrophe555
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who burns all their loan documents?

Bernadette

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YetiFromJersey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his food before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sour-snake13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shaystibelman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he ate the pizza before it was cool 😎

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blamethedog16
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his breakfast before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/katayda13
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello
πŸ‘︎ 184
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/purpleisperfect
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate when people knock on my door and tell me I need to get "saved" or else I will "burn."

Stupid firemen.

πŸ‘︎ 384
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ispilledmymilka
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn their tongue?

Ate their meal before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-Binger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report

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