I just found out how to burn 2000 calories

I left my brownies in the oven too long

πŸ‘︎ 421
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mafiaworks_08
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his tea before it was cool 😎

πŸ‘︎ 180
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Snugl-v202
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he ate the pizza before it was cool 😎

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
Autocorrect can burn in he'll
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his breakfast before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/katayda13
πŸ“…︎ May 24
🚨︎ report
[NSFWish] Did you hear about the new eyelid replacement surgery for burn victims?

They use foreskin to replace them. Only side-effect is coming out a little cockeyed.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/noapostrophe555
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who burns all their loan documents?

Bernadette

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YetiFromJersey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Sir you’ve suffered multiple 3rd degree burns

Dad: that’s odd, it felt hotter than that.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/therealMrYonder
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Who did the hipster burn his mouth

He ate the pizza before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
Oh man that burns...
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/njsh20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blamethedog16
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
Burn the living room.
πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sushal_Stha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn himself?

By drinking coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
🚨︎ report
I tried to burn my friend a new arsehole by slipping chili peppers into his food, but things didn't go as planned when he switched dishes on me.

It backfired.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
🚨︎ report
Why did the IT-guy burn his fingers?

He used hotkeys.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kartenhouse
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn their tongue?

Ate their meal before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-Binger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aurikidink
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What Happens When You Burn Unseasoned Wood From the Bayou?

Creole-sote

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MarshmallowBlue
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
🚨︎ report
My friends decided to have a Chinese New Year x Burn’s Night Party. They called it Chinese Burns Night.

I didn’t agree to it at first but eventually they twisted my arm.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LilPianoBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
I hate when people knock on my door and tell me I need to get "saved" or else I will "burn."

Stupid firemen.

πŸ‘︎ 381
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ispilledmymilka
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My mate Gavin passed away from heart burn last week.

Still can’t believe Gaviscon

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lumgi01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't you hate those people who come to your door and tell you that you will 'burn' unless you are 'saved'

Those idiot firemen....

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TherryTad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of incense do Mexicans burn?

Pacholo!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dj-DaDboD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles.

Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Valdagast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate those people that knock on my door telling me I need to be "saved" or that I'll "burn"...

Stupid firefighters.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman who burns her debt in a fire?

Bernadette.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LuizFelipeSotinho
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate those people who come and pound on your door, telling you to get out or you’ll burn.

Stupid firefighters.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the Hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RDS
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you burn a CD?

Tell it that it's obsolete.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ahmednadeemawaan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I didn’t know what to think walking into the kitchen last night to find my wife draped in lasagna and pouring piping hot soup over her head. β€œI’m just putting the dinner on”, she quipped. How we laughed on the way to the burns unit.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spazpekker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Parisian that got so sad when he saw Notre Dame burn, that he threw himself in the river?

He was in Seine

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oggemer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the Hipster burn his tounge?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/user5775
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them.

Well, I did all that, but when I went back and asked what I was supposed to do with the letters, she just kicked me out and said she was calling the cops.

πŸ‘︎ 510
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bilky_t
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
🚨︎ report
What kind of fire did the Notre Dame burn in?

Hellfire (hope this is good and not too late.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/michichas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A kid decides to burn his house down

Dad - putting his arm around his wife, both with tears in their eyes -

"That's arson".

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dave89701
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
A magic bird that burns up and regenerates? That's hard to believe.

Someone just pulled that story out of their ash.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thvwlsrmssng
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.

So I bought her a candle.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My favorite comedian was in a house fire and got 2nd degree burns over his entire body.

Hey always enjoyed a good roast

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/an_actual_goat
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate those people who knock at your door and say you need to be saved or you’ll burn.

Stupid firefighters

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Saazkwat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A child burns down his house...

Afterwards his father turns to his mother and, with tears in his eyes, exclaims β€œThat’s arson!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his soup before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CuttingEdgeRetro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What happens when a controlled burn gets out of control?

Someone gets fired.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Now_Your_Thinking
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the plumber burn his tongue?

He always eats his food piping hot.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife told me that if I got her one more idiotic gift she would burn it.

So I got her the night before Christmas DVD box set...I kinda wanted an extra copy for my mom

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/irieball
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?

Because they drink it before it’s cool.

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bubba_Is_MY_Cat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Achieving world peace is simple. Just burn all musical instruments.

Then there will finally be no violins.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AutoCommenter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Quite an acidic burn
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/confluencer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Cemetery burns. Many dead.
πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.

πŸ‘︎ 662
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate avocado toast before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sirismyboss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the under water golfer with minor scraps and burns yell?

Aquaphor

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ovande
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
There's an Indian restaurant nearby that always burns their bread. If you sit too close to the kitchen it can be hard to breathe.

Which is strange because it's the naan smoking section.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Church sign: God’s son-screen prevents sin burn

Possibly the worst one I’ve ever seen..

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NFSpace
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
What do pigs put on their cuts, scrapes and burns?

Oinkment

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He took a sip of his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BradyHoke
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
🚨︎ report
If you burn an analog clock, does it emit second hand smoke?
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RuggerAl
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman who burns her bills?

Bernadette!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Homer_Simpson2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm so mad that I've got severe burns this morning because the smoke detectors didn't work.

I'm still fuming!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CFDMoFo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amphibatron
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tekrat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
🚨︎ report
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello
πŸ‘︎ 186
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/purpleisperfect
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"...

Stupid firemen.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get β€œsaved” or you'll β€œburn”

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get β€œsaved” or you'll β€œburn”

Stupid Firemen

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/not69420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
why did the hipster burn his mouth

he drank the coffee before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/markrulez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bridge_view
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WinGs5000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get β€œsaved” or you'll β€œburn”

Stupid firemen

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/udrys
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bazander04
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get β€œsaved” or you'll β€œburn”

Stupid firemen.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zozi0102
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kalzonkly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank coffee before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdee43
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn is mouth?

Because he sipped his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lucaewings27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AstraReddits
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jhench
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ethanthememegod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2017
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool...

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gremlin2288
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
🚨︎ report

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