When you're down, by the sea, and an eel bites your knee...

That's a moray.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if we could end lunch after I was done my sandwich. I took one more bite and then said...

"Actually, that's a wrap!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrDewinYourMom
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Watch out for shoe bite
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whiskey_risky
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a small insect that bites Muslims in their house of worship?

A mosque-ito

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucifer_0915
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why does ants don’t bite after they grow taller?

Because they’re tolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/profusly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do vampires bite people's necks to turn them undead?

Because they're neck romancers.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eepdog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, β€œIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, β€œI'm on the toilet, please advise…”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Okay I'll bite.

I'm sick of choking on my food.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SchitzPopinov719
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
When you swim in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek

That's a moray

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a vampire bite if he wants something sweet?

A necktarine

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hevlerius73
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Stonks, they're all bawk and no bite (or something like that)
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nervous_Comfort
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My 13-year-old told me he has an ant bite.

I asked if he has an Uncle Chew. He hasn't acknowledged me in half an hour. I can't stop laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Socratio
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I made some toast and refused to give our little doggo a bite. My kids asked why she looked so sad...

I told them she was lack-toast intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisWasTheLast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Wouldn't be surprised to learn Elon Musk to leads a mercenary team of tesla employees who bite victims to spread coronavirus

They are called the Flu Flux Fang!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/16thPeregrine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and I went fishing. He cast out first and got a bite. So he reeled in a trumpet. Then he cast out in a different area, got a bite and reeled in a clarinet.

After he cast out the third time, I said "maybe you'll reel in a bass soon!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
When the moon hits the sand and an eel bites your hand

that's a moray.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Babamots
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Another one bites the dust
πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogGorForg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A fly is buzzing along when he feels something bite his back.

Fly: "Ouch! Hey you must be pretty small to fit on my back. Are you a mite?"

Mite: "Yeah, as in I MIGHT bite you again hahaha"

Fly: "Wow.... That might be the worst joke I've ever heard"

Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Just plain old frost bite ❄️
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Imagine if vampires had blunt teeth and couldn't bite you

They would just suck

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Summetz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a dog named Well Enough that bites...

Don’t try to pet him, leave well enough alone.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/musicmerchkid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My family ate thresher shark for the first time yesterday. My dad took a bite and said

Look at me!!! A man eating shark!!!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roscoe9420
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Bite
πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinduh3east
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What does Thomas the Tank Engine say when it bites it's fingernails?

Chew chew

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dacaldha
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call insects that bite you during worship?

Mosque-itos.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jomr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
This Joke Lacks Bite

There are rumors of yet another Bill and Ted Sequel following the one in production. Reportedly, it will feature an older, toothless Keanu Reeves who is fighting with his insurance company.

Yeah, the working title: Billin' Ted for Bogus Dentures.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P33J
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate it when mosquitoes bite me

It really bugs me out

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrew3200
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.

. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

β€œNobody puts baby in a coroner”

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
If you're going to bite the bullet

make sure its low cal

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/naclbetter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
To determine the gender of a parrot you have to stick your finger in the cage. If he bites you, he's a male...

If she bites you, she's a female.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
When you're just swimming by, and an eel bites your thigh, that's

a moray.

(I sang this to my kids when they were young.)

(They're in their 20s now, which I consider young.)

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/startrektoheck
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The guy who paints the center line down the highway came into my deli for a quick bite...

He had to dine and dash.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Byte or bite
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bonesmalone3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I took a bite out of French bread while my teeth were hurting.

It was a bit of a pain.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBellsprout101
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I took a bite of a jalapeno that was much too spicy for me

Some might say I was in - hella-pain-yo

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you just took a bite of?

Finding half the worm

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Virruhalittmer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Another one bites the dust
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lars2_1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What animal has the softest bite?

Gummy bears

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spitball1337
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m the animal kingdom, it’s considered a heinous crime for a malaria-infected mosquito to bite.

The insect police force was tracking one of these malaria-mosquitos, when the mosquito fled to a farm. First, she tried to hide in the house, until the farmer chased her away with a newspaper. She tried to hide in the barn with the horses, but the barn cat took a few swipes at the mosquito, and chased it from the barn.

Finally, the mosquito set eyes on sheep in the pasture.she decided all that thick wool would be the perfect place to hide from the insect police force.

The police force arrived shortly after. They first went to the house. No mosquito. They searched the horses. No mosquito. Finally, they got to the pasture with the sheep. After searching and searching, they could not find where the mosquito had hidden.

The mosquito was on the lamb.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadfullyBIzzy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
News: β€˜Boy George’s reptile bites 5 people in one day.’

He needs a calmer chameleon

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A tree threatened to bite me

But it was all bark

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrLazyTiger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A fly felt something bite his back...

Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back"

     "Hey! What are you? A mite? "

Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!"

Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard."

Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
When you're swimming in the sea and an eel bites your knee

That's a moray.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cavtrpr017
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee...

That's a moray!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/khanglikestowin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report

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