What do you use to measure the sharpness of a vampires teeth?
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I told my son farts are sharp
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away
I just had two paws for a moment
A sausage says to the egg "You know, after they burn us up on that hot pan, they'll stab us with forks and cut us with their sharp knives...
The egg says to the sausage "wow, amazing - a talking sausage!"
I am waiting to recover from injuries caused by a small sharp tool:
Why won't swords go obsolete?
They are cutting edge technology.
Your car has been keyed
But the good news is that the damage appears to B minor.
I can’t win arguments against sharp knives
They’ve always got the best points
To everyone freezing their asses off in Texas
Go stand in the corner, it’s 90 degrees.
A sharp mind has placed this here
My son didn't like sharp stones on the seafloor at the beach
That's some sharp wit right there.
I have trouble reading music
Whenever I see a sharp, I wish it could just be flat
I cant handle how sharp this is.
As an orchestra conductor, I could tell when the entire violin section missed the key with no sharps or flats...
What did the whale say to the sword fish?
You're looking sharp today!
When early man discovered that they could use sharp stones for hunting, it was a big deal.
It was cutting edge technology
How many swords do you have?
I got an interview and told them I was proficient in C and C-sharp.
Turns out that wasn't good enough to be a pianist
What's a fisherman's favorite instrument?
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"
They all startled "what happened?"
I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
Why can’t a reed knife be too sharp?
Because that’s not natural
An audience member asked me how I made the brisk sharp cracking sound with my hand.
I told her it was a snap.
My friend didn’t get why the top of the fence was so sharp
I said to him, “That’s the point”
I once made a pencil with 2 erasers.
There's a big scratch on the inside of my glasses...
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
Musicians say if the world isn't round
What do you call a sharp dot who points out directions for blind people
A pointy point who has no point in pointing
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."
Dr dr..
Me: Dr dr, i always take s poo at 8:00am sharp, every morning,!
Dr: sorry I don't see how that's a problem.
Me: I wake up at 9:00am...
You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round!
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a sharp dressed man on a unicycle?
On the dad joke scale, I got my first ever eye-roll and sharp exhale WITH a walk out of the room from my wife!
Me: Today was an awful day at work
Wife: Are you serious? Tell me about it
Me: I’m not Sirius, I’m your husband. And Itt was a short, hirsute creature who looked short of like a haystack with sunglasses; he was Gomez’s cousin and spoke in high pitched gibberish all the time. Now if we could get back to my day...
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