I bought an onion. Cutting it burned my eyes so badly I went back to the store to complain.
He’ll be cutting your grass
I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices
He said, "It's a piece of cake!"
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper
When no one is around, I would loudly describe the process of cutting down a single tree.
What did the wedding cake say while it was cutting an onion?
My mom cried while cutting onions
Onions was such a good dog
Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.
I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.
I had to reprimand my son for cutting up his dumplings at the Chinese restaurant last night.
I can't condone such wonton acts of destruction.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
Apparently, Neil deGrasse Tyson has a brother, who has a very successful grass-cutting business.
I got arrested for taking a video while cutting down trees
Now facing charges for illegal vlogging.
Did you hear about the guy who kept cutting down trees?
They tried to investigate the trees, but they were all stumped.
I want to tell a joke about cutting meat...
But I’m afraid I’ll butcher it.
A lumberjack was out cutting down trees in the forest one day. He went to swing his axe and the tree screamed "WAIT! I'M A TALKING TREE!!!!"
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
Cutting in front of a Volkswagen on the highway
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
Two lumberjacks were cutting wood. One of them shouted at the other over the noise of the chainsaw, “What was the name of that tree ring dating app you were using?”
The other replied, “Tiiiiimmmber!”
I lost my job at the cheese cutting factory yesterday
I’m not too upset though, the pay wasn’t grate.
My brother-in-law, a clinical psychologist, says he is cutting back the days and hours of his work week.
In short his practice is shrinking.
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
Edit: thanks for the love: My kid asked me if I was gonna share it on Facebook. I don’t use Facebook so I said I’d share it here. He’s practicing his jokes, he said, so he can be a good big brother. He’s got a corny sense of humor and loves a good dad joke.
For the couple of you who think I pimped his joke for Karma, look outward to that speck of light in your dark life. That light is your asshole. Go that way to remove your head from from it.
What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool?
What did the lumberjack say after cutting down the whole forest?
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
I can't stop cutting wood
We once were questioning a perp who wouldn't say anything without his coarse file with cutting points instead of lines. After getting it, he immediately confessed...
Where did our cutting board go?
Don't know... guess it didn't make the cut.
I kept cutting my sausage into smaller and smaller identical pieces.
My barber wanted we to sign a contract before cutting my hair, but I refused...
I wouldn't accept his perms and conditions.
What do you call a shepard that's always cutting costs?
A revolutionary new way of cutting carbon emissions, shortcuts under hills that can only be used by cars with more than 2 occupants
I was cutting down some trees in the middle of the night and I couldn’t see anything...
But I heard my chainsaw some stuff
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting too many trees ?
My dad is always embarrassed about cutting himself while getting rid of his beard, so he locks himself in the bathroom...
I guess he’s just trying to shave face…
My friend is always bragging about his woodworking tool like an axe but with the cutting edge perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.
Why are three-dimensional objects so good at cutting down trees?
My boss yelled at me for cutting articles out of a magazine at work.
He said to do it on my own Time.
I cut my finger while cutting cheese
But I may have grater problems
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
The other day my dad was making pea soup and cutting up onions
I started to cry because Onions was a good dog.
I took a cutting home from the vineyard as a souvenir.
They told me it was destined for grapeness.
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