I was watching some Gordan Ramsay edits and I gotta say

they look edible

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebatm3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Sorry for tye bad crop its hard to edit on phone for me.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHotSouthWinds
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Sweet revenge:) (also the edit is because I had to translate the message so sorry about that)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnderJus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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I really hat that you can't edit your title

What if I make a spelling mistake?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Space-But-Blank
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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I'm tired and I was looking through pictures of my camera to edit, it's probably been done before but I couldn't help it...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/an0ther-artist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2017
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Saw this meme and knew I had to (poorly) edit it for bad jokes

http://imgur.com/rkEq0xO

Ooooh! You said DAD jokes.....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchMarx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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Initially I didn’t believe that my chiropractor was any good.

But now I stand corrected.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
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Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.

ME: ...And?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoldaHolda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
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An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."

I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinit9
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28
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(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ May 12
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What do you call a magician who loses his magic?

Ian

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacSteele13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
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Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?

Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..

Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lewzerman
πŸ“…︎ May 18
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What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?

Mentos

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
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Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

Because he wanted space

Edit: Thank you for the awards.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaa_virus
πŸ“…︎ May 17
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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

.

Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny

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πŸ‘€︎ u/khatsos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21
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Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?

Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.

Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oak05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
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Pi Day Special Edition Dad Joke

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference...

He ate too much pi.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BIGSEAN37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15
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Ebay is so useless

I searched for lighters but ti only came up whith 14,852 matches

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potatooftheabys
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
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I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Dad, do you know why it’s so dark at night?

No sun

EDIT: oh my god 1k upvotes! THIS like, tripled my post karma. You guys are incredible. Much love!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evil_Chef
πŸ“…︎ May 14
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I like to imagine a world where "sword" is a swear word...

Where you have to tell your children not to say the "S"-word.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshTee123
πŸ“…︎ May 19
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When I was in charge of editing an action movie, I noticed an unnecessary scene that was only slowing down the plot.

So I decided to just cut to the chase.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megaWatson
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
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Boss: How's that new glue?

Me: πŸ‘Œ

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
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The man who invented velcro died today :(

Rip

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schwifty98
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
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My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?

A hammer.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeenyus47
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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My granddaugter today (she's 8) How did the man breath underwater for so long without help?

He put a glass of water on his head!

It's the first time I have been able to see and hug her in over a year, and she made me so proud!

*Edit: So many typos in my title.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVetheron
πŸ“…︎ May 18
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Straight from my 6 yr old.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

Dino-snore.

I ugly laughed at this and she thought it was the best.

Edit: wow, thanks for the awards! I told my daughter she got 500 likes and she started dancing. Thank you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucianX09
πŸ“…︎ May 15
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Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amalgamxtc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
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Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❀️

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
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I went to the zoo and seen a baguette in a cage.

The zoo told me it was bread in captivity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prpeach
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
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why do poets never keep there weapons still?

They want to be like shake spear

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoesMemories
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
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I got arrested at NASA.

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!

Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonnyabcde
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
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A tricycle says to a bicycle

Tricycle " I'm too tired".

Bicycle " nah I'm two tired, but at least you tried"

(Dunno if it's a repost but my 6yo son told me this last night)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayStormbeard
πŸ“…︎ May 03
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What do you call a building full of guitarists?

Jail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pitmule
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
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He can cast at a 4th grade level
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ha-Ka-Tu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
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You do realise that Vampires aren't real...

Unless you Count Dracula.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! πŸ‘Œ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lady_emily_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
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My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
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I’d give me wife the whole ocean

But today she’s only getting a small C-section

Edit: it’s actually true. Today at 10am here in Sweden it’s happening πŸ™‚

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joachim_s
πŸ“…︎ May 13
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Dress code
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hwhouston517
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.

Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Edit: spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ May 07
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I married my wife for her looks

Just not the ones she been giving me lately.

Thanks for the silver ❀️

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Conviction666
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle, and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

edit: had to delete original post, due to misspelling in the title.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spicoli0525
πŸ“…︎ May 15
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9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?

De-calf-inated!

Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oliumzen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
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I threw my blind wife with a surprise birthday party

She never saw it coming!

Edit: I changed the title and still has a typo -.-`

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ May 14
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The 14th Dali Lama walks into a pizza shop and says...

"Make me one with everything."

edit: cant edit title for grammar :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TankSmuggler
πŸ“…︎ May 13
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A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

πŸ‘︎ 29k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megad1rt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
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When you see birds flying in a V and there are more birds on one side, why is that?

Because there are more birds on that side.

Zinger from my father-in-law.

Edit: This is word for word. Thanks everyone for trying to make it better.

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πŸ“…︎ May 20
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I’m so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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If H2O is on the inside of fire hydrants, what’s on the outside?

K9P

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepenguinja
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
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Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
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