Edit Puns

they look edible

What if I make a spelling mistake?

http://imgur.com/rkEq0xO

Ooooh! You said DAD jokes.....

But now I stand corrected.

ME: ...And?

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."

I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

Ian

Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..

Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.

Mentos

Because he wanted space

Edit: Thank you for the awards.

An assassin

.

Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny

Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.

Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference...

He ate too much pi.

I searched for lighters but ti only came up whith 14,852 matches

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

No sun

EDIT: oh my god 1k upvotes! THIS like, tripled my post karma. You guys are incredible. Much love!

Where you have to tell your children not to say the "S"-word.

So I decided to just cut to the chase.

Me: 👌

Rip

A hammer.

He put a glass of water on his head!

It's the first time I have been able to see and hug her in over a year, and she made me so proud!

*Edit: So many typos in my title.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

Dino-snore.

I ugly laughed at this and she thought it was the best.

Edit: wow, thanks for the awards! I told my daughter she got 500 likes and she started dancing. Thank you!

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️

The zoo told me it was bread in captivity.

They want to be like shake spear

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!

Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."

Tricycle " I'm too tired".

Bicycle " nah I'm two tired, but at least you tried"

(Dunno if it's a repost but my 6yo son told me this last night)

Jail.

Unless you Count Dracula.

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

But today she’s only getting a small C-section

Edit: it’s actually true. Today at 10am here in Sweden it’s happening 🙂

Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Edit: spelling

Just not the ones she been giving me lately.

Thanks for the silver ❤️

Attire

edit: had to delete original post, due to misspelling in the title.

De-calf-inated!

Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.

She never saw it coming!

Edit: I changed the title and still has a typo -.-`

"Make me one with everything."

edit: cant edit title for grammar :(

Slim to Nun?

(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

Because there are more birds on that side.

Zinger from my father-in-law.

Edit: This is word for word. Thanks everyone for trying to make it better.

I learned next to nothing.

K9P

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.