I was watching some Gordan Ramsay edits and I gotta say

they look edible

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebatm3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Sorry for tye bad crop its hard to edit on phone for me.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHotSouthWinds
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Sweet revenge:) (also the edit is because I had to translate the message so sorry about that)
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EnderJus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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I really hat that you can't edit your title

What if I make a spelling mistake?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Space-But-Blank
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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I'm tired and I was looking through pictures of my camera to edit, it's probably been done before but I couldn't help it...
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/an0ther-artist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2017
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Saw this meme and knew I had to (poorly) edit it for bad jokes

http://imgur.com/rkEq0xO

Ooooh! You said DAD jokes.....

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchMarx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 234
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?

A hammer.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeenyus47
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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You do realise that Vampires aren't real...

Unless you Count Dracula.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Dress code
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hwhouston517
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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Have you heard, the sequel to 2020 has has been postponed?

2022 won’t be arriving for at least a year.

πŸ‘︎ 276
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Redkingror
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl

...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.

Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '

Thank you for the awards

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned.

Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zthazel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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My wife said, β€œYou really have no sense of direction, do you?”

I said, β€œWhere did that come from?”

Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

πŸ‘︎ 29k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megad1rt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He orders a drink, and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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I’m so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....

It was always just one ting after another.

Edit: Thanks for all the positive reactions to this joke. I’m glad I could make a few of you chuckle today.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThroneDiscs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other β€œDang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYa, I’m positive.”

πŸ‘︎ 178
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LOLMrTeacherMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverBlueWolfey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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The wedding was so touching that

even the cake was in tiers.

Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anoobypro
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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Found this on r/cursedcomments - the post (by u/Atom596 ) was removed for some reason so I couldn't crosspost but wanted to give the op credit
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLeader11037
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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It's my 1-year Reddit anniversary

Getting karma should be easy as cake

Edit: It’s a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Volumed_Coyote_60
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Burnt my hawaiian pizza today...

Should have cooked it on aloha temperature.

EDIT: Thanks for the awards, y'all!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/user7618
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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Why are people from Norway so good at editing files in Linux?

Their ancestors are vi-kings.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

Edit: THANK YOU!! Kind stranger whoever you are out there, for the silver!! Just trying to keep the kids facepalming and the wives eye rolling. You guys are awesome!

πŸ‘︎ 238
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BelleskaTROn-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia

Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?

He was dead lifting.

Edit: Wow! Went to bed, went to work, checked this post, and holy hell did it blow up! Thanks for the awards, funny add-one and dad jokes! This sub is awesome!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/35mmPirate
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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What do danish people call their tattoos?

Denmarks

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown

So you can start the New Year off on the right foot

Edit: Thanks for the silver

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crustydog19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend in the country couldn’t afford his water bill...

So I sent him a β€˜Get Well Soon!’ card.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.

Every one reading this is on the same page.

Edit: Thanks guys. This is way too much love.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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Why is North Korea so evil?

Because they have no Seoul.

Edit: Thanks for the support and for my first award everyone! I can’t take credit for the joke itself as a friend who passed a number of years made it up in high school, but I’m sure he’d be ecstatic to see the number of updoots and laughter it’s brought.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fourchubio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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What has five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

Edit: Thanks a lot guys for the awards and upvotes. ;) :)

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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I can't tell dad jokes

Because he's not here. I'll tell him when he's back though.

Edit: Thank u for the award kind stranger. :D

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omarkrimlyreddit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to β€œGet with the times...

New Roman.”

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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So proud of my daughter for this one... "Why do fishes swim in salt water?"

Because pepper would make them sneeze!

She's six. She's awesome.

EDIT: Woo highest rated post, thanks to my kid. Also, I never said she wrote it! She just told it to me. So there.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/evanphi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?

A trophy.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TerroristOgre
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What is blue and not heavy?

Light blue

Edit: Thank you fellow internet strangers for all the awards!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NYC_Dweller
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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I changed my diet...

...the cookies now stand left of my keyboard.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pistolenkrebs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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What Sith Lord immobilizes his victims instead of killing them?

Darth Ritis.

Edit: The Sith Lord of politeness, Darth anksalot.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Soory bad editing.But be careful guys.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crzyphoton
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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My friend has a lot of knowledge about Islamic festivals.

She's really eiducated.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sunflower_44
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

you get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Edit: Thank u for the gold, kind stranger

πŸ‘︎ 781
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dudesxx
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.

I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.

Edit: corrected an udder failure.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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Why can't blind people eat ocean fish?

Because it's see-food!

my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.

edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.

thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day

πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberrich
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.

Edit: thanks for my first award ya loonies ;)

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kimenon001
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report

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