When I was in charge of editing an action movie, I noticed an unnecessary scene that was only slowing down the plot.
So I decided to just cut to the chase.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
Why are people from Norway so good at editing files in Linux?
Their ancestors are vi-kings.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 10 2020
Soory bad editing.But be careful guys.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
sorry for the cheesy editing
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jun 04 2019
Redd-editing
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 05 2019
terrible editing but equally terrible pun
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 02 2019
I was caught stealing an image editing software from the store.
I'm now charged with photoshoplifting.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 01 2019
Initially I didnβt believe that my chiropractor was any good.
But now I stand corrected.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
Doctor: I think your DNA is backwards.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
What do you call a magician who loses his magic?
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
.
Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Pi Day Special Edition Dad Joke
The roundest knight at King Arthurβs round table was Sir Cumference...
He ate too much pi.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Apr 13 2021
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
π︎ 239
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Ebay is so useless
I searched for lighters but ti only came up whith 14,852 matches
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
The man who invented velcro died today :(
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
Boss: How's that new glue?
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Wife says I wonβt get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
π︎ 25k
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
My 6 year old just told me this joke... What's stronger than a fortune cookie?
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
I got arrested at NASA.
I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.
Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!
Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."
π︎ 346
π
︎ Apr 10 2021
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! π
π︎ 174
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
why do poets never keep there weapons still?
They want to be like shake spear
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
A tricycle says to a bicycle
Tricycle " I'm too tired".
Bicycle " nah I'm two tired, but at least you tried"
(Dunno if it's a repost but my 6yo son told me this last night)
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 03 2021
I went to the zoo and seen a baguette in a cage.
The zoo told me it was bread in captivity.
π︎ 694
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
He can cast at a 4th grade level
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
What do you call a building full of guitarists?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
A proud dad sits down to have a drink with his father.
"Well son , now that you have got a kid of your own, i think it's time to give you this."
"Dad you don't mean-"
"Yes son ,i do"
Dad pulls out the copy of 1001 Dad Jokes,5th Edition
"Dad... i am honoured..." , He says , tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honoured" , replies his father , "i'm dad".
π︎ 428
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
You do realise that Vampires aren't real...
Unless you Count Dracula.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Edit: spelling
π︎ 70
π
︎ May 07 2021
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
Dress code
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?
De-calf-inated!
Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cΔlf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
I married my wife for her looks
Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver β€οΈ
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Nov 04 2020
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
Mt oldest is getting to be pretty good at using my own jokes against me when I'm not expecting.
Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)
Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.
Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?
Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??
Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!
I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.
Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.
π︎ 242
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
π︎ 29k
π
︎ Aug 18 2020
Did you know some people have 5 knees?
A right knee, a left knee, a wee nee, a kidney and a hiney.
Edit: Those with both kidneys would have 6!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling π³ '
Thank you for the awards
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
If H2O is on the inside of fire hydrants, whatβs on the outside?
π︎ 87
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
What's the difference between my dad and cancer?
My dad didnt beat cancer
Edit: difference between ME and cancer
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
Iβm so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist use the bathroom?
The P is silent!
.
Edit: thanks for the hugz award!
π︎ 18
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
How much land do you need to build a house?
A whole lot
Edit: The original punchline was βa lotβ but βa whole lotβ is way better.
π︎ 34
π
︎ May 01 2021
I was watching some Gordan Ramsay edits and I gotta say
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
"Hey dad, I'm trans"
"I have no son"
"Thanks for supporting me"
I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me
Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!
π︎ 248
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
Loosing weight is a peice of cake!
Just donβt pick it up
Edit: piece I before E except after c
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
Sorry for tye bad crop its hard to edit on phone for me.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
Have you heard, the sequel to 2020 has has been postponed?
2022 wonβt be arriving for at least a year.
π︎ 281
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I ripped my pants yesterday.
It was pretty em-bare-ass-ing.
Edit: May or may not be based on real events.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
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