Editing Puns

So I decided to just cut to the chase.

Their ancestors are vi-kings.

I'm now charged with photoshoplifting.

But now I stand corrected.

ME: ...And?

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."

I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

Ian

Mentos

An assassin

.

Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference...

He ate too much pi.

Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.

Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I searched for lighters but ti only came up whith 14,852 matches

Rip

Me: 👌

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️

A hammer.

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!

Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌

They want to be like shake spear

Tricycle " I'm too tired".

Bicycle " nah I'm two tired, but at least you tried"

(Dunno if it's a repost but my 6yo son told me this last night)

The zoo told me it was bread in captivity.

Jail.

I'll show him. Just you wait.

Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!

I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.

"Well son , now that you have got a kid of your own, i think it's time to give you this."

"Dad you don't mean-"

"Yes son ,i do" Dad pulls out the copy of 1001 Dad Jokes,5th Edition

"Dad... i am honoured..." , He says , tears sparkling in his eyes.

"Hi honoured" , replies his father , "i'm dad".

Unless you Count Dracula.

Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Edit: spelling

So I have an uncle, once removed.

De-calf-inated!

Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.

Just not the ones she been giving me lately.

Thanks for the silver ❤️

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

Kid: Hey dad, look at that! (Points with his finger to something off in the distance.)

Me: (Looking in direction he's pointing) What? Where? I don't see anything.

Kid: (Still pointing) Right there, look, you see it?

Me: (Still looking, getting annoyed that I don't see it) WHAT? What is it??

Kid: (Holding up the same finger) It's my finger!

I have been doing this to him recently and it always gets him. I love that he's able to totally get me with it now.

Edit: MY oldest, not Mt oldest. Not sure what the oldest mountain is, but it probably isn't as funny as my oldest kid is becoming.

Slim to Nun?

(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

A right knee, a left knee, a wee nee, a kidney and a hiney.

Edit: Those with both kidneys would have 6!

...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.

Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '

Thank you for the awards

K9P

My dad didnt beat cancer

Edit: difference between ME and cancer

I learned next to nothing.

The P is silent!

.

Edit: thanks for the hugz award!

A whole lot

Edit: The original punchline was “a lot” but “a whole lot” is way better.

they look edible

"I have no son"

"Thanks for supporting me"

I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me

Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!

Just don’t pick it up

Edit: piece I before E except after c

2022 won’t be arriving for at least a year.

It was pretty em-bare-ass-ing.

Edit: May or may not be based on real events.