This pun is a Cut above the rest
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?
Wife: I’m trying to cut a piece of wood, but it won’t stay in place.
Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my company’s logo on it.
Wife: I don’t need your advise!
Do u know how the roman empire was cut in half?-------How?-------With a pair of Caesars!!!!
I cut myself making a sandwich today.
They don't call it sharp cheddar for no reason.
Before Mount Rushmore was cut in
It’s natural beauty was unpresidented
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.
A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks if she would like it cut into 6 or 12 pieces.
"6 please. I could never eat 12."
A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,562 trees
“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired
Lumberjack: “Easy. I keep a log.”
I cut my finger chopping cheese
but I think that I may have grater problems.
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
What did the tree say after it was cut down? I can't figure it out.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
A guy I don’t know wants to cut down the trees in my backyard
I told him ‘I woodn’t do that if I were you’
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating
But I’m not about to quit cold turkey
How does the moon cut his hair?
If you cut your right butt cheek...
How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.
They swing with alot of Force.
Did you hear about the man who got his left part cut off?
Don´t worry, he´s alright now
How did the worm feel after getting cut in half?
I can cut a piece of wood in half with my eyes.
It’s true I saw it with my own eyes.
I finally cut ties with a friend who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is very hard.
I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people
It was a rare medium, but well done
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
“You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
A friend of mine cut his finger off at work...
I suppose he'll be getting severance pay.
I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.
I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.
My girlfriend said she was gonna cut her hair in a mullet...
I hate mullets and I told her if she did I was gonna grow a rat-tail as payback
She said, “You can’t!”
“I will!”
“But that’s rat-tail-iation!”
PS: this actually happened and I’m in love with her
What happened to the guy whose left side was cut off?
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
To cut a long story short
Had the wife stop the movie to watch a quick clip. After she sat down I told her" You could cut the dogs feet off".
She said "I don't understand.....".
I said " UN-PAUSE".
I had to explain it to her...
Can you guys cut me some slack!?
I cut lumber for a living, but I keep sleeping on the job.
As you can tell, I'm a slumberjack.
How do short people cut their pizza?
My dad was demoted to part time as orchestra conductor due to budget cuts
Now he's a semiconductor.
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I’ll take that ban now
The sexual tension is so intense it could cut through steal.
Cut my finger while I was baking ...
You can't get blood out of a scone.
Why did the lion get his hair cut on his way to the Chinese restaurant?
Because he wanted a Lo Mein
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?
If you cut off your left hand, your right hand will be left.
did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body cut off?
If you cut your left hand,
Your right hand would be left
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