This pun is a Cut above the rest
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pablocaz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?

He’s all right now

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
Wife: I’m trying to cut a piece of wood, but it won’t stay in place.

Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my company’s logo on it.

Wife: I don’t need your advise!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ugueth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
Do u know how the roman empire was cut in half?-------How?-------With a pair of Caesars!!!!
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st0len_meme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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I cut myself making a sandwich today.

They don't call it sharp cheddar for no reason.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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Before Mount Rushmore was cut in

It’s natural beauty was unpresidented

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robindc_93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.

Sadly I was defeated.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks if she would like it cut into 6 or 12 pieces.

"6 please. I could never eat 12."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,562 trees

β€œHow do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired

Lumberjack: β€œEasy. I keep a log.”

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut my finger chopping cheese

but I think that I may have grater problems.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said: β€œOf course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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What did the tree say after it was cut down? I can't figure it out.

I'm stumped.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unknownemoji
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.

She didn’t razor right.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
A guy I don’t know wants to cut down the trees in my backyard

I told him β€˜I woodn’t do that if I were you’

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Demonazzzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating

But I’m not about to quit cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dollex69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

πŸ‘︎ 305
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koukasen_np
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If you cut your right butt cheek...

Are you left behind?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hosuabii
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
Did you get a hair cut?

No, I got them all cut

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NidalFlame
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
How can Jedis swing so lightly with a lightsaber and still cut through everything so easily.

They swing with alot of Force.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notathrowaway2937
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If you cut off your left hand, your right hand will be left.
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/araitisaname
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who got his left part cut off?

DonΒ΄t worry, heΒ΄s alright now

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leooof321dax
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the worm feel after getting cut in half?

He was beside himself

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wyatt1313
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I can cut a piece of wood in half with my eyes.

It’s true I saw it with my own eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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I finally cut ties with a friend who was dragging me down

Mountain climbing with a friend is very hard.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people

It was a rare medium, but well done

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.

β€œYou can't cut me down,” the tree complains. β€œI’m a talking tree!”

The man responds, β€œYou may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine cut his finger off at work...

I suppose he'll be getting severance pay.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body cut off?

he’s all right now

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SynchronizeHS
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said she was gonna cut her hair in a mullet...

I hate mullets and I told her if she did I was gonna grow a rat-tail as payback

She said, β€œYou can’t!”

β€œI will!”

β€œBut that’s rat-tail-iation!”

PS: this actually happened and I’m in love with her

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jkustin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened to the guy whose left side was cut off?

He is alright now

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rohan20201234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
To cut a long story short

I became a film editor.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Had the wife stop the movie to watch a quick clip. After she sat down I told her" You could cut the dogs feet off".

She said "I don't understand.....".

I said " UN-PAUSE".

I had to explain it to her...

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JJJoyce
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Can you guys cut me some slack!?
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut lumber for a living, but I keep sleeping on the job.

As you can tell, I'm a slumberjack.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SegavsCapcom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How do short people cut their pizza?

With Little Caesar’s

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rabid_Badger_83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
If you cut your left hand,

Your right hand would be left

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/levonsafaryan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad was demoted to part time as orchestra conductor due to budget cuts

Now he's a semiconductor.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CynAq
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?

If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jas280z
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

I’ll take that ban now

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/archit14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The sexual tension is so intense it could cut through steal.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatincomingvirus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Cut my finger while I was baking ...

You can't get blood out of a scone.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the lion get his hair cut on his way to the Chinese restaurant?

Because he wanted a Lo Mein

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?

He’s all right now

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
Did you get a hair cut?

No, I got them all cut.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vissik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report

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