A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it

It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darkone2087
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to cut down a tree

I asked her why and she says the tree always pokes her when she wants some alone time outside.

I told her the tree doesn't want to leaf her alone.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/General_Moy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy that got his left side cut off?

It's ok, he's all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ttocs77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
How do you cut an ocean in two?

with a sea-saw

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pandacoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14
🚨︎ report
When a simple "Bye!” just doesn't cut it
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrPunSocks
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

He’s all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 703
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ilovemom1098
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died

but he has been lawn gone.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ikennaezeee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05
🚨︎ report
My friend bet me 100$ I wouldn't be able to get the prime cuts of meat from the top shelf.

The steaks are high.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ultim8umly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
If I cut E by half

Does it become Party?

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manantyagi25
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
My wife was grating some cheese then suddenly she pulled her hand away and said 'Ow, I think I cut my finger!'

I turned to her and said 'damn that is some sharp cheddar!'

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDutchArmy
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
I can cut a piece of wood by staring at it.

It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWarVeteran
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.

I'm stumped!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
This should be cut!
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
I accidentally cut off my right hand today

I don't feel right

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
I accidentally cut off my left hand today

But on the other hand, I feel all right

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
I asked my daughter why she cut all her barbies in half. . .

She replied in an unexpected country accent, "I'm dolly partin'!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlaggardWorm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryCoolPerson1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
Cut the potatoes into penis shapes and fill your boat with them. Now you are the captain of a ...

Dictatorship.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
In which my wife cuts me down to size
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.

Dad: The steaks have never been higher.

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
I always cried when my dad cut onions

Onions was such a good dog

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/swimtomars
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
What’s the cheapest cut of meat?

Deer balls because they’re under a buck.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jusunthepear
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to gather wood. As he found the perfect tree to cut down, he began sharpening his axe, and the tree exclaimed, β€œNO! Don’t chop me down! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack responded, β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/articElite0
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?

He’s all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/batmanshsu
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He is all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MladjaLlama
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think they're stalking me

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ignorethevoices
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
If a man who cuts men's hair is a barber...

Would a woman who cuts men's hair be a Barbara?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chewygum93
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
A man walks into the pizza shop and orders a pizza. The worker asked if he wanted it cut into 4 pieces or 6 pieces.

The man said 4 because he probably wasn’t going to eat 6.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mopi_is_short
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
Went to get a key cut

But there where no employees in the shop. Aren’t they key workers?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neb12345
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
If you cut a hole in a net....

If you cut a hole in a net, the net has less holes

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/judewijesena
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef

The steaks had never been higher

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
Wasn’t in the mood to cut the grass.

I really need to get mowtivated.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Edward01986
πŸ“…︎ May 04
🚨︎ report
I cut my own hair for the first time the other day. At first, I thought I did a poor job of it...

...but it's really starting to grow on me.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastGhost18
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
I hung there, wondering if someone would cut me down at the last second.

The suspense was killing me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Strawbalicious
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
What did the lumberjack say to his son after he failed to cut down a tree?

Shoulda. Coulda. WOODa.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wayj99
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fella who tried to cut his own hair?

He was rushed to hospital with a hairline fracture

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wholesome_cream
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
I just had to cut my own hair and I'm not really happy with it...

But it's growing on me

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Superscoops
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
What do you call a line of men waiting for a hair cut?

A barber queue

πŸ‘︎ 107
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
🚨︎ report
What happens if you cut both your feet off?

You get two feet shorter.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Holeeschite
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
🚨︎ report
A woman tripped and fell off the balcony and had been cut in half. Still conscious, she was quickly rushed to the hospital...

Manager: what did the doctor say to the woman’s family? Me: after thinking ...yea I’m not sure Manager: β€œshe was ALL RIGHT.” Me: oh, I thought you were going to say β€œThere’s nothing LEFT.” The manager at work got a kick out of that because that was an answer he has never gotten before lol figured I’d post it here.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slammin_Salmon94
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine had a surgery to cut off his left side

He’s alright now!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wapoosh_a_Kill
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
Some asshole cut off both my arms and a leg a while ago. But it's ok...

...I don't hold crutches.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnxiousYYC2018
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you ever tried to milk a cow that has been cut in half?

Udder madness.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
I cut my own hair last week...

It was a bit too short and at first I didn't like it, but it's growing on me

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrpoolube
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
How do romans cut their hair?

With a pair of Caesars!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/evac95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
While being tortured I was asked if I'd prefer to have either my arms or legs cut off.

I was stumped.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snakesinfur
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, β€œWait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said: β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 844
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother wanted to stop getting his hair cut for 6 months, but now he doesn't want to get rid of his long hair anymore...

It really grew on him.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoOfEmYesterday
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
What is it called when you cut wood with a tool covered in sriracha?

Hot saws.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealKingPotato
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
If you cut both your left hand and legs, you'll be alright
πŸ‘︎ 117
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hzardous_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
The doctor cut off both my right hand and my right leg

So with no rights im practically a woman

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hot_dwag
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

Hes all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RussiaIsMyCity
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
How do you cut the ocean in half?... you use a sea saw

You use a sea saw!

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hvmetalhead
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
I didn't believe it when my son said I could cut a log in half by just looking at it.

But then I saw it with my own two eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RunningFromFOMO
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
I cut my tongue so badly it needs surgery to fix!

I can't tell you how much it hurts!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
I bought a knife that can cut through 4 loaves at once.

It's a four loaf cleaver

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine cut his finger off at work...

So he'll be getting sever ance pay.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
What do you call 5 fish cut in half ?

Tuna half

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down

Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperMegaPepega
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
I cut my finger chopping cheese.

but i think i may have grater problems

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RussiaIsMyCity
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
If you cut your left hand, your right hand will be left.

Similar to... cutting both your left arm and leg makes you alright...

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hzardous_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
🚨︎ report
If I cut a CD

does it get DVDed?

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Andidaniel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14
🚨︎ report
The other day I walked into my son's room and found him with an open first aid kit, preparing to stitch up a cut on his forearm.

I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danno49
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14
🚨︎ report
Just became an American so I cut off all my sleeves

Since I now have the right to bare arms

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Teddy4Prez
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
I went to college after promising to make payments for tuition with tender cuts of meat...

For the next ten years, I'll be paying off my student loins.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
How was the roman empire cut in half

With a pair of Caesars

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oleolesp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
What did the Romans use to cut pizza?

Little Caesars

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ldaddy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
A princess wants to choose her future husband. Her engineers create a maze full of deadly traps. After the struggle, four princes survive. The first three have both their hands cut off. The fourth one still has one hand left. Which one will she choose?

She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
🚨︎ report
A chef cut himself and went to the emergency room...

The nurses patched him in triage and after a long wait, the doctor called him in. "You'll take about eight stitches and be on your way." The chef replied, "I can tell you're all very busy here, so just hand me the needle and I'll be on my way." The doctor looked by turns insulted, annoyed and dismissive.

"Fine then. Suture self."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scarecrow53
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he's cut down?

He keeps a log.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cavanaughphoto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
I tried zesting a lemon for my recipe, but I cut too deep...

Pithy, really.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
I need to cut these nails, they are getting out of hand
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mikiriki16
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
🚨︎ report
I instantly regretted getting my hair cut short.

But I'll admit, it's starting to grow on me.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ubadishnard
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SmplFusuz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
I failed shop because I couldn't handle the bow saw used to cut intricate external shapes and interior cut-outs in woodworking

I had trouble coping.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14
🚨︎ report
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said: β€œOf course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mark30322
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A customer ordered a foot long cold cut trio and I completely zoned out and accidentally made him a 6" meatball.

Whoops, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zamundan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
🚨︎ report
I recently retired from my job as a lumberjack. Over my career I cut down 6, 324 trees...

I kept a log.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ickyfeet
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?

Well don't worry, he's all right now

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnthonyTheBg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
I got my hair cut last week. I thought it was too short at the time...

... But now it's growing on me.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
Today, a car bumped into a construction worker's bench, causing a saw to fall and cut the worker's knee. When asked if he saw what kind of car it was, he replied:

My Nissan

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Myusernameisfish
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20
🚨︎ report
Does this make the cut
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gandalf-Grey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation

like when you have to change someone's mind.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy that got his left side cut off?

It's ok, he's all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ttocs77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
How do you cut the ocean in two?

With a sea-saw!🦦

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
I can cut wood by looking at it

I saw it with my own eyes

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brak0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He’s all right now.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Guyshu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
I can cut wood just by staring at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

πŸ‘︎ 421
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xander8in
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
πŸ‘︎ 181
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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