My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.

Especially because his name’s Steve.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shonzo18
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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What did the kid that hated winter do to shorten it?

He summerized it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigjwuigi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick...

Especially since his name is Steve

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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I asked the judge to shorten my sentence and

he interrupted me

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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I'm Adam. In the spirit of Kanye shortening his name to Ye, I'm going to be a more positive person and shorten mine to Ad.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/llehsadam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
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This book was shortened too much.

It was abridged too far.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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My first dad joke here (shortened version)

Rowan Atkinson is travelling through mexico , decides to have lunch at a local restaurant. He orders a burrito . when full Rowan still has a little bit of food left on his plate , he takes his plate up to the waitress and says "that is the nicest burrito I've ever had, thank you" The waitress points at Tthe left over food and says " but you missed a bean"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Creative_Mud
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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I just found out that Bill Nye is just a stage name.

His real name is William New Year’s Eve.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I told my kids we would watch the shortened version of Moana the other day.

Lessana!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tonythomasson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2017
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You guys want to hear another joke about butter?

Idk it's pretty long... I was thinking about shortening it!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GawdFro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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Someone called me average today.

That's mean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyroger24
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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Ohm my!!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2017
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I can't believe the results of the Australian Election this year.

Bill really got the shorten of the stick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darthmonks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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So I am going change my name

My first name will be Justin. My last name will be Time.

My wife will be Niko. My daughter will be Bedora, shortened to Bed. That it will always be Bed Time. And then I will go to my wife, coming in the Niko Time. And I will always arrive at events Justin Time. Then, after my family grows, I will have an advanced degree and shock the world by proving that Time is, in fact, relative. Because they are MY relatives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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My Uncle has been on a roll with Halloween dad jokes...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jojo9591
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
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I went to college with a woman named Nonstick Cooking Spray.

She kept shortening it to Pam, but I knew what she meant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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My dad just texted me this so I think it counts.

Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.

Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.

Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in t

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GHOSTWRlTlNG
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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I got a new pair of pants that were too long.

I considered taking them to a tailor to get shortened, but I think doing it myself was the more earnest hemming way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GodMonster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2017
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The new Xbox will be called "Xbox One X"

I guess it can be shortened to "Xbo"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tacoman3005
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2017
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there is a serious lack of possible bear puns, can any of you think of more?

The problem with bears as a pun topic is that there are only 6 possible puns and most of them are stretches.

  1. bear double meaning with tolerate

  2. pandanother thing

  3. grizzly double meaning with horrific

4)kodiak double meaning with camera

5)koalalifications

6)and Ursidae the family classification can be shortened to sound like ursa and be used instead of "or so" like in the phrase "or so i was told".

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2012
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This only works in Japanese

In Japanese, a standard transmission is called γƒŸγƒƒγ‚·γƒ§γƒ³ "mission" (they like to shorten and repurpose words). My wife can't drive a stick, so I said she was "Mission Impossible," getting groans from my kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/peterinjapan
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
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The Minister for Prison's new law

My Father messaged me, out of the blue, showing me what Dads do best: "The minister for prisons has persuaded the government to pass a law to require all sentences to be shorten" Wow.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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Heard while at work.

Teller, commenting on how much a customer's son has grown.

Teller: He's getting so big, you've got to make him stop that.

Kid's dad: I've been putting Crisco on him, because the can says it's shortening.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trrwilson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2014
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Hayve

I'm not a good storyteller so I'm sorry if the cadence is bad.

As a kid, I always used to yell "Have" (pronounced HAY-ve, like "glaive") at my dog if it was doing something bad. It was a shortened thing I picked up from my mom.

Anyways, I dad-joked a lady pretty good as she was walking by the house one day, after my dog ran out the gate and started jumping up trying to lick her face. She was laughing as I kept yelling, "Haveee! Haaaave!!" and said, "Is that your dog's name? Haive?"

To which I said, "No, but I want her to beHave."

...That was a good day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Heretikos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
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My dad tried to make us laugh during dinner with a joke

My family and I were discussing the difference between soul sisters and sisters. My brother pointed out that the quote 'blood is thicker than water' is actually shortened from 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb'. Dad says 'I guess there's always womb for interpretation.' Ba dum, tsss.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CATSHARK_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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Dadjoking Shorty (part 1)

A bit of backstory. I'm notorious among my circle of friends for telling "terrible puns/jokes" I think it's amazing, but I'd been rolling them out all day, patience for puns must've gotten shortened.

I'm talking with Shorty (named because she had short hair) and she was telling me about a book she had started.

Shorty "So the book's called 'Cutting for Stone' and it's like a doctor drama kinda thing, the only issue is that that it's super heavy on the medical terminology, so many bloody surgeries and procedures are listed, and I don't really know anything about that kids stuff. Like it's got an interesting plot but I don't know if I can't finish it, I'm not to sure I'm cut out for it"

At that last line I began laughing (her pun was unintentional) and compliment her on it "ha that was good. You're not 'cut out' for it"

Shorty "Oh god that was terrible just stop"

Me "You want me to 'cut' it out?"

Shorty "I'm going to kill you if you keep this up woman"

Me "You're gonna 'cut

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bingo4913
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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