New medication created. Reduces swelling but makes you swear.

Ibuprofane

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toilet_King_101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
If you get hit in the face, the home treatment is to hold a raw steak against it to reduce swelling...

...it does more than meats the eye.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The doctor said I should reduce my wine consumption...

After a test for my blood type came back as Cabern-A positive.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck drivers they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask...

How much food would a good truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.

It was touch and go from there on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
It is scientifically proven that eating cookies reduces the chance of you getting a stroke.

Mostly golf strokes, swimming strokes, tennis strokes etc.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't Batman, even with all his crime fighting, reduce Gotham's crime?

Because his partner is always Robin.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyguzz1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you reduce your butter intake?

Marginally.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheezeturds
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The medical examiner’s office was told to reduce their budget

So they had to cut coroners.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons [xpost /r/trees]

This joke caters to the lowest common denominator.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zakmackay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joke at work. At my job I have to reduce the price of hot chickens..

My colleague asked me "will they be going cheap?", I said "no they'll be going bwaark!"

Still laughing at myself.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/damnthewerehog
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
🚨︎ report
I just had to reduce everything I ate today, and I hated it.

It wasn’t a grate day today.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x3astu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A recent study shows that global warming reduces terrorism.

Because the Isis melting.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SavageMonkey44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
🚨︎ report
If you want to know how to reduce the blood supply in one part of your body...

Please raise your arm.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear of the debate following a recent study which found mixing marijuana into cattle feed can reduce their carbon footprint?

... The steaks have never been higher

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrotumbrella
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Can an electrician here help me reduce the power to our stereo by 4 joules per second?

My kids keep listening to a song and apparently want me to make it a little quieter, or "turn down 4 watts"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hawkline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
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I reduced Trudeau
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the penguin's bail reduced?

He's not a flight risk.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My butcher is reducing his working hours

My butcher is going from five days a week to four days a week in order to ease himself into retirement. I don't think I can shop there anymore. It's just too odd having a butcher who can't do cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elquiche
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know global warming is reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran out of toilet roll so am reduced to wiping my butt with lettuce leaves.....

I fear it's just the tip of the iceberg.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrFabulous0
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee...

But no. I was charged $30 a pop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was out in the desert on psychedelics , and I started tripping way too hard. So I took an acid reducer.

It didn't help me one bit!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/S0undJunk1e
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, β€œHa! That’s not going to help!”

β€œSure, it does.” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter wanted to clean her cardboard rocketship with her face cloth...

Trying to reduce the enormous amount of laundry associated with kids,

I said, "you don't need to clean your rocketship. It's not dirty. Space is a vacuum"....

I could hear my wife's eyes roll in the next room. Success!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tren898
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
i hate anti-maskers

they make me sick

πŸ‘︎ 200
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πŸ‘€︎ u/llama2262
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you know they interrupting cow knock knock joke?

Knock Knock / Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow whβ€”

Moooooooo!

There should be a Trump version.

Knock knock / Who's there?

Interrupting Trump.

Interrupting Trump whβ€”

Fake moos!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snortkle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed

I went to bed 7 times last night

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Due to cuts in the education budget, they've decided to simplify the alphabet, reducing it to just two vowels and one consonant...

...but don't worry, everything's going to be A-OK!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BluPrince
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Atoms
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lynderzfarm
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Joke I came up with today

So this surgeon always posts pictures of the masks he wears during his surgery on Instagram. He does this every single time he has a surgery, and his nurses can never understand why. Eventually, he garners a massive following on Instagram. So, he goes into his supervisor's room, and he says, "Hello, it's a pleasure to see you". The supervisor says, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The surgeon says, "Well, my Instagram business is really taking off. I think it would be better for me to quit being a surgeon and focus on Instagram full time". The supervisor thinks he's a little crazy but decides to let him do what he wants. The former surgeon now goes and buys as many masks as he can to sustain his Instagram account. Eventually, he becomes so wealthy that he is able to buy all these lavish things and not have to worry about economic failure. However, one day, he decides to begin posting pictures of medical needles on his Instagram account instead of masks at about the same time that he gets a horrible sickness that is almost always fatal. Because he posts pictures of masks now, his account begins failing, and even though he tries to save it, he's unable. He no longer has any money to treat the illness and is on his deathbed. His entire family is surrounding him, and his father leans in to hug him. As this happens, the ex-surgeon says in a weak voice, "Dad, where did I go wrong?" The dad, with tears in his eyes, seeing what his son has been reduced to and sadly knowing his dear son's death is imminent says, "You post syringe, you lose subscriber"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoPolesGaming
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
During what historical period did people start brewing reduced-calorie beer?

The Enlitenment.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2017
🚨︎ report
I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is ok

it's what it's

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wawoodworth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today

Its a cut-throat business

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ccooddee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube are shutting down tonight at Midnight PMT due to COVID-19 pandemic

A very proactive step to reduce the likelihood of anything else going viral.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuriakon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I just took my Organic Chemistry exam, and I think I’m going to fail.

I’m in alkynes of trouble.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate anti-vaxers

They sicken me

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YinYangMojo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.

He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms - and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, β€œNo, but I’ve only been standing for one hour a day”. The doctor says he understood.

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tdrusk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Even though my bike broke I have still been using it every day.

I’ve been caught in a terrible cycle.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/warmLuke0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Apple are developing a new app for M.I.5

It's called the iSpy

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GodEmprahBidoof
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson

Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie. He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears. I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn't offer a bulk discount. For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.

With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn't back down. Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears. He then asked me what I wanted to play.

Fed up, I shouted: Rock! Pay per scissors!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rburke319
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
LPT: Don't drink water if you're trying to focus.

It will reduce your concentration.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icecreep109
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do the same jokes always get recycled on r/dadjokes?

Because we’ve already reduced and reused them.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/persian2002
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report

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