How does a lumberjack trim his beard?

With a chinsaw.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Lenzar86
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 28 2020
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A painter forgets to paint the trim a different color.

The home owner comes out and says โ€œThatโ€™s all white.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Karrathan
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 02 2020
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Used military vehicles in higher levels of trim are rare.

All I can find are base models.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/pj566
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 29 2020
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I Prefer Not To Trim My Toenails.

It's not because I think it's beneath me.

It's not because I wouldn't stoop that low.

It's because I consider it to be a waste of my talons.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/jagdpanzer_magill
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 05 2020
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My friend the photographer always trims the outer edges of his pictures to be curved so that every edge is equidistant from the center...

He liked making crop circles.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 16 2020
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Anti cuts. Pro trims.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/tronaldodumpo
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 07 2019
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I was told to be sure to use the right nails for putting down trim in my house, but I can't find any.

At this point, I'm not even sure Finland makes nails!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/keenDean
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 03 2019
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I used to be able to trim hedges

But now I just canโ€™t cut it

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Hi-Im-new-at-this
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 29 2019
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I had to trim my rose bush today

It was a real prick job

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TheNewBo
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 04 2019
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I took my cat to the vet today for a nail trim.

I guess you could say she got a peticure.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/foolycooly017
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 27 2019
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Everyone loves my friend Dave who trims maze hedges for a living.

A man like him is hard to find.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 23 2018
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Had to buy new clippers to trim my beard

The old one just didnโ€™t cut it anymore

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/seab1023
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 30 2018
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My son insisted his nails were already cut and I didn't have to trim them. I asked if I could just double-check his hand.

http://i.imgur.com/bAuV8Nh.png

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 342
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/danchan22
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 03 2015
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What do you use to trim a deer's hair?

A fawn mower

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/chefreamund
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 25 2017
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Alice realized she would have to delay her trip a day since the White Rabbit demanded she give him a trim right now. She sighed, "Oh well..."

"...hare today, gone tomorrow."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/johnabbe
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 27 2017
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I just invented a machine that trims window coverings.

Prepare to have your blinds mowed.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/this_time_i_mean_it
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 11 2017
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Why did the waitress trim the man's beard at the end of his meal?

He asked for a "to-go tea."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Quixel
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 24 2015
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Was telling my dad that I need to trim my cat's claws due to how painful her kneading was getting...

"she's just practicing catupuncture!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ObserveWithHasty
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 07 2014
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I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.

He just didnโ€™t cut it.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/yellgames01
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 21 2021
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What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming beards?

A clipptomaniac!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PacaCrackers
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 31 2020
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I once got my toe nails professionally trimmed. They used a hardened steel tool for smoothing my clipped nails...

In other words, a pedi-file.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 30 2020
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Told my wife she trimmed her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Reteperator
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 08 2020
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I trimmed my beard too short.

I wasnโ€™t sure about how It looked but it grew on me!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/zanman546
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 30 2020
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I accidentally trimmed the leaves off my wife's favorite plant, but fortunately they grew back.

That was a releaf.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Happy_Each_Day
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 30 2019
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[true story] Dad and daughter trimming the Christmas tree with tinselโ€” DAD (points to empty spot on tree and says to daughter): โ€œLittle more on here.โ€ DAUGHTER (storms off crying)...

...โ€MOM! DAD CALLED ME A LITTLE MORON!!โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VeryLastBison
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 17 2019
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I got hired by a tree trimming service

I'm going to be their branch manager

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 10 2019
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My neighbors were trimming their pine, so I thought I would pitch in to help

But I fell and now am in a very sticky situation...

I know this will resin-ate with many of you out there.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/trickyd9
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 01 2019
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I asked my gardener not to come back

All he does is trim my wifeโ€™s bush and leaves.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PulkPush
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 07 2020
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at โ€œThe Cafรฉ,โ€ a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: โ€œParking now, be there in 5.โ€

โ€œDad,โ€ he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, โ€œDadโ€ popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The Cafรฉ.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

โ€œHello, son,โ€ came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. โ€œI canโ€™t believe itโ€™s been so long!โ€

โ€œYeah,โ€ said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. โ€œToo long!โ€

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sullyrr
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 08 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

show more
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 07 2020
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Trimming hedges is hard work.

You must take it sheariously.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/DoomRulz
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 12 2019
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My dad just came in from trimming the trees....

..he was all bloody and scratched up. I yelled "dad you look awful!" to which he responded

"If you think this is bad, you should see the other guy! He lost several limbs!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 23
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Honorable-OtterSage
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 23 2018
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I think thereโ€™s something wrong with the cactus Iโ€™m growing.

But I canโ€™t put my finger on it!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Bakedschwarzenbach
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 18 2020
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A man walked into a wire trimming store with two wires

He came out one wire short

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/flying_cheeto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 07 2018
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I grew facial hair without telling anyone.

It's my secret 'stache.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/JEJoll
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 05 2019
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What would Dory say if she was a hairdresser?

Just keep trimming~

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/_kimbers
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 29 2020
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I worked a place with strict grooming guidelines but we are currently closed for the duration.

Due to social distancing and other issues I am not going to cut my hair or trim my beard for a time. How long? Furlough time.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/xstofer
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 17 2020
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I had a job as a barber...

but lost my job because of workforce TRIMMING and CUTS.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/youtellmebob
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 02 2020
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Took the dog to get his nails trimmed.

Told the wife, "Yea, I got him a PETicure".

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/drewjy
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 26 2015
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Hedge Trimming

This morning my father was trimming the hedge in the front yard as I mowed the lawns. He called me over, it sounded important.

Dad: "If I were to pay someone to practice hegemony* on this hedge, because I don't want to do it myself, where would they put the funds?" Me: "Hedge fund. Good one."

  • I don't think he actually knows what that word means.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Sydonai
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 03 2014
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Not to brag, but I know the first 40000 digits of the expansion of Pi.

Just not in the right order.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 287
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 11 2018
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I'm having a haircut this Christmas.

All the trimmings

(Merry Christmas everyone!)

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BintMcTwoShoes
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 25 2019
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My wife told me I needed to get a haircut.

I had so many things to do today a trim wasn't my mane concern.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/msdos_sys
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 14 2020
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How do you know when youโ€™ve officially become old?

The barber doesnโ€™t just trim the hair around your ears anymore.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VeryLastBison
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 06 2019
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Came in from doing yardwork, sweaty and hot

Said to my father, "It's hot out there."

He said, "The sun must be out."

I said, "The son is out, trimming trees with the mom!"

Eyes rolled.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 117
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/tomatoisaberry
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 22 2017
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Ravens and Crows

A good friend told me a story once. When she was a kid her family would often go to zoos and museums while on vacation. They were in the aviary on one of those visits looking at birds. My friend saw a crow asked the zookeeper a question. "What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" The zookeeper looked at her, smiled and started to answer. "Have you ever heard of a pinion feather?" he said. "Pinions are the the feathers at the tip of a bird's wing that allows it to fly. They are also the ones that people will trim to prevent birds from flying away. Crows have 5 pinion feathers while ravens have 6. So, if you think about it, it's really just a matter of a pinion."

To this day, my friend and her family don't know the real answer to "What's the difference between a crow and a raven?" They are wonderful and intelligent people, but they subscribe to a particular brand of ignorance where a good pun is better than actual knowledge. They call it punorance.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/JediPaxis
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 14 2017
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I couldn't duck this one.

My parents were over last night, and I was in the process of curing some duck breasts for Christmas. I was trimming the skin when my dad walked over.

"What are you doing there, son?"

"Curing this duck."

"I don't know if you can cure it. It looks dead to me."

Dammit, dad! Flawless execution.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 435
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/CO_gunner
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 17 2015
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You want to see how fast I can destroy something?

I can give you a quick demo.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Tuneuponipod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 15 2013
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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant

... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 220
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/cuzziewuzzie
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 28 2015
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