I cook my food by myself, wash my dishes by myself, and tidy my house myself.

One can say that I am 'self-maid'

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👤︎ u/Zilver-alpha
📅︎ Nov 08 2020
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Tidy
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👤︎ u/DichromaticInk
📅︎ Sep 13 2020
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My wife said, “You think I have OCD when it comes to tidiness, but you are wrong..”

“I just wanted to clear that up.”

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👤︎ u/porichoygupto
📅︎ Nov 02 2020
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I was tidying up the dining room when I dropped a coaster...

It rolled away and I exclaimed, “Look, a rollercoaster!”

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👤︎ u/McCleavage
📅︎ Jan 10 2019
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I’m very shy about tidying up

I guess you could say I’m a closet organizer.

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👤︎ u/jakeizaak
📅︎ Jan 25 2019
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My wife suggested we follow some Marie Kondo tips to tidying up our home

I asked her if we should wait for the townhouse version

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👤︎ u/garboooge
📅︎ Jan 09 2019
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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👤︎ u/specklesinc
📅︎ Dec 05 2020
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Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?

It keeps the oceans tidy.

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👤︎ u/linknoid
📅︎ Sep 11 2020
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My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?

A: he was wearing a naval uniform.

Anyone know similar nonsense?

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👤︎ u/Patyboomba
📅︎ Sep 21 2019
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What do you call a neat Caucasian?

Tidy whitey.

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👤︎ u/Colinmacus
📅︎ Dec 19 2015
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This guy with OCD hosted a massive house party.

Things got pretty tidy.

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👤︎ u/TommehBoi
📅︎ Jul 22 2018
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My mum's dadjoke

My parents are currently in the process of selling their house. Mum has been tidying a lot because potential buyers have been coming through to have a look.
On a recent visit, I noticed that some wall pictures which had been hanging in the same places for years had been replaced by mirrors. I asked Mum about this:
Me: What happened to all the pictures?
Mum: I had to put them away
Me: Well what's with all the mirrors then?
Mum: I want people to be able to see themselves in this house

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👤︎ u/blunkoet
📅︎ May 12 2014
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Kid's birthday party

My earliest recollection of a dad joke is when I was about 6/7 years old.

We'd just waved bye to the last guests at my party. Understandably, my parents were beyond exhausted, but tidied up anyway. After all was done, we sat in the living room and my dad pulled out a chair from the dining room. He then brought another, and placed it next to it. He did the same again. I had no idea what was going on, until he sat across all three, threw his hands in the air and shouted:

"Three chairs for dad!"

Absolute quality, textbook dad.

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👤︎ u/rio_wellard
📅︎ Aug 20 2015
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