It's a metro-gnome
Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, mid eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
And he came back partially bald.
[actual joke my mom told me 20 years ago about our dog]
They had such great shavings.
Edit: Title should be subscription, wtf autocorrect
It was one hell of a barbecue.
I hate working with the fuzz... But it's a stable job.
2B
The groom stormed off and all the guests started fighting.
Wedding is on Saturday, in Dorset uk. Requesting joke ideas in exchange for gratitude.
Martial Arts
He had my sister put a hand in, her husband put his hand on top of hers, then she put her other hand over his, then his other hand over hers. Then he told her husband “This is the last time you’ll ever have the upper hand”
They were grooming children
He said it was because it was the last time that I was ever going to be right.
"Add some jam on it," he continued
(Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)
Groom: After me..
Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious?
Bride: No, his name is Mike.
Before my friend's wedding today, his dad walks in to the changing room and asks "Are you wearing two pairs of socks?" My friend says "No..." Father says "Well you should. I don't want you getting cold feet."
She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.
When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for “water closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the “W.C.” is located.
The Swiss pastor had never heard of a “W.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled “Wayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:
Ms. Smith,
I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest you plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.
Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!
It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.
Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.
Sincerely,
Pastor Kurt Meier
Stable income.
The only ones who didn't respond were the letters T, X and Y.
So W and Z ordered 23 catered meals: 2 for them and 21 for their guests.
The wedding was great, but there was trouble at the reception. The letter T came, even though she didn't RSVP.
When the meals were being passed out, the chef served the groom (W) and bride (Z) first, then asked everyone else to line up alphabetically to come get their prepared plates. As the last two letters approached the chef, he said "there must be a mistake. I only have one meal left." Just then, T grabbed the last meal, and rudely said to the other letter "Sucks to be U."
We have ice cream flavors like Mint to Be (Oreo mint) and Brownie Eyed Girl (chocolate Brownie, brides flavor) but need help for a name for vanilla cookie dough. It’s the grooms flavor, his name is Chris if that helps. THANKS REDDIT
The reception was terrible.
This bull had won best in show awards. Groomed daily, perfect stance, it was a great bull.
One day the farmer goes out and sees the bull has gone cross-eyed. This was going to ruin ant chance of future awards, so he called the livestock vet out.
The veterinarian gets there and examines the bull, realizes he's seen this happen before and grabs a narrow metal tube from the back of his truck.
He brings the tube over and jams the tip of it into the bulls hind end and proceeds to blow as hard as he can through the end of it.
The farmer looks at the bulls eyes as the vet is blowing into the bulls backside and says "it's working! I see his eyes straightening right up, keep doing it!"
The vet blows and blows his face and cheeks turning red and finally says, "I'm out of breath I can't do it anymore, his eyes are almost straight you'll have to finish"
The farmer comes over and grabs the tube, pulls it out, turns it around and puts it back in the other way, the vet stops him and says, "What on Earth are you doing?"
The farmer says, "Well I don't want to put my mouth on the same end you did!"
I mean, mine were groom temperature.
--
^^I ^^just ^^got ^^some ^^great ^^groans ^^from ^^my ^^wife ^^and ^^two ^^of ^^our ^^soon-to-be ^^married ^^friends ^^with ^^this ^^one.
Him: "I'll be wearing the same kilt as the groom."
Me: "Really? How are you both going too fit in there?"
Hello fellow pun connoisseurs,
Friends of mine just recently had a bit of a shotgun wedding. I'm vowing to prepare a statement for them in celebration The bride is particularly fond of puns. While I've been grooming myself for this for some time, any matrimonial/wedding puns that I might consider would be much appreciated. It would be the best, man!
We are at a wedding, the bride and groom have yet to walk down the alter when I look at my father...
Me: "Crap. How much time do I have to go to the bathroom?"
Dad: "Pee now or forever hold your piss."
All veteran fathers rapidly blew air from their noses.
Groom bit by a rattlesnake on his wedding day, I heard the band played "it's a nice day for a bite wedding..."
http://www.denverpost.com/2016/06/21/colorado-wedding-rattlesnake-bites-groom/
Wedding rehearsal dinner this past Friday. Father-of-the-groom is picking up the tab and the check arrives.
Father-of-the-bride: Hope you've got a good Visa!
Father-of-the-groom: Nope. I'm in the country illegally.
All dads in attendance laugh boisterously. Groom laughs while bride wonders what the hell she's gotten herself into.
At a friend of mine's wedding reception, we were all dancing to "Sexy and I know it" by LMFAO. The groom's dad comes out and dances in the middle and before leaving the middle of the dance floor yells: "I'm sixty and I know it!"
The father of the bride had the bride and groom face each other and place his hands on hers.
"Now this is the last time you'll ever have the upper hand."
Groom: After me...
Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious?
Bride: No, his name is Gary.
