I am going to decorate my next christmas tree with miniature tnt sticks instead of candy canes

Oh tannen-bomb oh tannen-bomb...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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How does the sea decorate for Christmas

With coral reefs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fairywithcancer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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My kids are going to decorate the Christmas tree this year.

It's cheaper than tinsel and baubles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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I was at the store deciding between a saltwater aquarium and a houseplant to decorate my home. I finally settled on a beautiful fern.

I said to my wife, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xtowers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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Dear punners, my biology class has to decorate our door. We will make a bunch of snowglobes out of petri dishes. But i need Pun! Help?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keishii10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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A furniture pun I put in the store I decorate.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Momawss77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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Why did PeeWee’s genie decorate his box with flowers?

For the Jambiance!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeFindMeGilbert
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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Why shouldn't you invite Freddie to decorate for Christmas?

He'll deck the halls with bowels of Holly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/w00tah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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You're giving me the folds from the legs of your jeans to decorate my diary with?

That's a turn-up for the books.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2017
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Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?

Gnomads.

(I'm not a dad but I came up with this one last year and have been dying to share it.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadLuck627
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Why do bottomless shoes count as Halloween decorations.

Because they have no soles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilleyal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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What did Jesus the Interior Decorator say in his final moments?

It is furnished.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faberj92
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -

It's the traditional changing of the gourd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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My business of making T-shirts decorated with dayglo currency was struggling, so I asked my dad for advice.

He said, β€œI’ve told you a million times, money doesn’t glow on Tees.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.

He did a lovely job of the landing.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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My daughter, Eliza, kept asking me to use my 3D printer to make monogrammed chairs for her dolls. Last Sunday I printed over 100 of them. She was so happy. She started putting them on everything for decoration.

We had a Sunday, everything with a chair E on top.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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I have had a decorator in this week. Turns out he is normally a Pilot for BA, but has been furloughed due to Corona.

He did a lovely job of the landing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Messy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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My friend tried to sell me his used Easter egg decorating kit...

I said, "no thanks. I'll Paas."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.

He made a lovely job of the landing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommadds
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Just had a painter and decorator round, hes a furloughed Virgin Atlantic pilot.

He made a lovely job of the landing....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retrotone
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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My easter decoration is an egg-cellent break dancer. v.redd.it/t563s1xkfas41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pyratemime
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I quit my job of drilling holes in decorative wooden plaques...

It was pretty boring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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My friend invented highly explosive decorative flooring...

It's pretty vola-tile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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It's tradition in my family to always put up the Chris-mas decorations the day after Thanksgiving
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamilliousThePaws
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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364 days until Christmas and people ALREADY have their decorations up. /r/oneliners/comments/eg1…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wiedmaier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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My friend wanted me to run some moonshine in decorative bottles out of state for him, but I'm wary...

That's pretty whiskey business.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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It’s FINALLY October...

This means all the cobwebs and dust in my home just became Halloween decorations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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so for Christmas I decided to hang a decoration that shows both my love for music and for our founding fathers

It’s a wreath of Franklin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/metalsgt90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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I don't know if it's just me or the new decorations, but every time I go to the bathroom...

I lose my shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueBasketBall
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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There were two friends and one of them wanted to open up a gelato shop.

When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didn’t care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.

When the friend told this story the other friend then said,

#β€œMan, you have gelat of problems.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatGuy3036
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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I always put up decorations for christmas

Even though they never pay rent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pndaberrybruh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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When my cousin Frank died, his body was cremated, and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.

Now he's Frank in stein.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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I know a lot about decorative park statues.

I'm just a fountain of knowledge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmotionallyPained
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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What do you call an Asian home decorating show?

Thai Ling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rollofcinnamon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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I just finished decorating our bathroom,

I learned through tile and error.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/420_esketit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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You know, son, Christmas isn't about the presents and the decorations and stuff.

It's about the food.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iHyperVenom_YT
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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I hung some pieces of rope on the wall for decoration

It really ties the room together

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πŸ‘€︎ u/89iroc
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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One day I invited a friend of mine over to my apartment.

When he arrived, he saw a lot of decorations related to frogs and asked me why.

I said: "It's because I'm trying to pull a prank on my flatmate. I'm trying to see how long it takes him to realise that our apartment is filled with frogs."

My friend said: "It's a nice prank ngl. Has he been close to finding out you live with apartment full of frog decorations?"

I said: "Not yet but I'm really starting to panic."

He asked me why and I said: "Because this type of prank is not easy. It requires a lot of Kermit-ment"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Saw it in another sub, thought it belonged here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickyMemes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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Why did the decorator use wallpaper with aircraft on it?

Because they where told to use plain wallpaper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Driconian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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Halloween Decorations
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkspaptrl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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I saw this dress decorated with small shiny disks: three on the arm, five on the collar, eight on the back...

They were Fibonacci sequins

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andronaut_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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So I made some wooden letters spelling β€œspirit” for a mantle decoration.

My issue is that I rushed the β€œi” and the β€œt” and the bottoms are uneven so they won’t stay upright

I can’t stand it

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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