Aretha Franklins
....I am turning my house into a Chinese restaurant.
Pisses me off how early people are putting their Christmas lights up.
Gnomads.
(I'm not a dad but I came up with this one last year and have been dying to share it.)
I had to get my tinsels taken out.
Because they have no soles.
GARR-land
We had a Sunday, everything with a chair E on top.
It’s a wreath of Franklin
I lose my shit.
Even though they never pay rent
It's about the food.
It really ties the room together
My issue is that I rushed the “i” and the “t” and the bottoms are uneven so they won’t stay upright
I can’t stand it
Are you supposed to be working when you're high?
Tinselitis!
Her place looks tealight-ful
Me: I really like the nativity scene.
Mum: yeah? It's nice
Me: I have a crèche on it
My wife was going to throw it out but I said we should just write RIP on it
Im on a ladder putting away boxes and as my dad hands me a box, I ask them if it's heavy.
He replies,
No there lights.
His response: Carol, stop! I dont need the nativity in my life
I made a Christmas Crackern!
http://imgur.com/a/vrfzs
So my Pops asks if I could help him get the Christmas "stuff" down from the loft with him. We have a loft above the garage where we store seasonal decorations.
He'll go up in the loft and I'll stand on the middle of the ladder, where he hands me the plastic containers, which I'll place on the floor.
As soon as he gets up there I see that the most accessible and logical box to take down first is the one with the wrapping paper. I reach for it and he shoos me away coming up with an excuse to leave it up there for the time being.
Right then and there I knew exactly what he was doing and I couldn't stop it.
We get the absurd amount of containers down until there's only the one left. He hands it too me and says, "Whelp.. that about wraps it up. Haha."
It's not even that good and I knew it was coming for the whole half-hour, but never the less I rolled my eyes and gave him his moment of glory. He deserves it.
I took one to my girlfriend, went down to one knee, presented the little black casket. I said, "Jamie, would you bury me?"
And my dad looks at it and goes, "It's a small bouquet in every sense of the word! Triple pun, hoo baby!"
...we stopped off by a store that had lots of fall flowers and pumpkins, including various sizes of mums in different colors. My daughter wanted a couple of the biggest yellow mums to put on either side of our front door, which were crazy expensive. I told her, "I'm a little tight on money right now, so let's keep our purchases to a mini-mum."
Aretha Franklins.
Tinselitis
