This pun is a Cut above the rest
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pablocaz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DementedOak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Y’all hear about that country barber who accepts venison as payment, but only does bowl cuts?

Says he just wants to give folks the most bangs for their buck.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
So McDonald’s was recently considering selling higher cuts of beef.

But they decided it was a McSteak.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicepair0fslacks
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the lumberjack who cut down the wrong trees ?

He forgot his chopping list.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCraay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
To cut a long story short.....

I became a film editor.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the Cannibal cut up his victims with an icicle?

He preferred cold cuts on his sandwiches.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sinrakettunen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Weird film trivia: I just found out that Thandie Newton's character from Mission: Impossible 2 was originally going to appear in Goldeneye, but her part was cut when they decided to film in Russia.

They had to SeverNyah

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjo_kes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down.

Do you think it's stumped?

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you use to cut a Roman Emperor’s hair?

Caesars.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.

So, could you brown it up a bit?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blortted
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Magician: "Now, I'll cut this woman in half."

Me: "Why turn one problem into two?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What do hipsters cut wood with

A sahhhhh dude

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheThriftyAlmond
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Scot with a bad hair cut?

Mullet of Kintyre.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apollonius_Cone
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?

He’s all right now

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Son: Dad, can I get a hair cut?

Dad: Which one?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebrostein
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Do u know how the roman empire was cut in half?-------How?-------With a pair of Caesars!!!!
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st0len_meme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the diabetic dad cut off his son's leg?

Because he needed a kid-knee transplant.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ignorantlad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
It's important never to cut funding for gritters.

Once you lose one it's a slippery slope.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nirdle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
"Son, you're not cut out to be a mime artist."

"Was it something I said?"

"YES!!"

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Why has Cinderella been cut from every team she tried out for?

She kept running away from the ball.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Recently, the Kansas City Chiefs acted quickly and had to pull their team barber out mid-cut because they learned he tested positive for COVID.

Guess you could say that it was a close shave

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zomgz0mbie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I was complaining to my husband that the baby carrots I bought were so so big that I needed to cut them up for our 3 year old.

He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/warmfuzzy22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night I dreamt I was in a swordfight with a knight, and he cut off the bottom part of my legs.

Sadly I was defeated.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Before Mount Rushmore was cut in

It’s natural beauty was unpresidented

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robindc_93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut myself making a sandwich today.

They don't call it sharp cheddar for no reason.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,562 trees

β€œHow do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired

Lumberjack: β€œEasy. I keep a log.”

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: I’m trying to cut a piece of wood, but it won’t stay in place.

Husband: I recommend that you use this clamp with my company’s logo on it.

Wife: I don’t need your advise!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ugueth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I cut my finger chopping cheese

but I think that I may have grater problems.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the shaman cut himself when he was shaving?

Because he was the razor of the dead

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Largedump
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A blonde orders a pizza and the waiter asks if she would like it cut into 6 or 12 pieces.

"6 please. I could never eat 12."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating

But I’m not about to quit cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dollex69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.

I said: β€œOf course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the tree say after it was cut down? I can't figure it out.

I'm stumped.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unknownemoji
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad cut himself while getting veggies

We got some bloody tomatoes

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iwantmahandback
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.

She didn’t razor right.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy I don’t know wants to cut down the trees in my backyard

I told him β€˜I woodn’t do that if I were you’

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Demonazzzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people

It was a rare medium, but well done

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
If you cut your right butt cheek...

Are you left behind?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hosuabii
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

πŸ‘︎ 299
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koukasen_np
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If you cut off your left hand, your right hand will be left.
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/araitisaname
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left half was cut off?

He’s all right now

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperNova7039
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you get a hair cut?

No, I got them all cut.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vissik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you get a hair cut?

No, I got them all cut

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NidalFlame
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report

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