“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes”
I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
It speaks for itself.
"I'm going to be ₈"
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
Nothing, he just left him on red.
Play Dough’s “The Republic”
So I'm wearing his, because good dads listen.
5 minutes pass and wife texts back "computers really messed up now."
I texted back "it's all in your head".
An InkRedible machine.
Got a question. Did u hear about the furious lady who was late and refused entry to her yoga class?? Yeah she couldnt believe they were not more flexible
We're gonna call it a Friends-zone-giving.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show
So I think I’ll get a quote.
It meant the world to me
The fat one won't fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄
Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲
Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.
Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓
Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there
Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?
Him: I wooden know about that
Wife: Stopping at the bar for a drink after work.
Me: Would you bring some whiskey home?
Me: = 6
Edit: this particular bar has a liquor store up front.
Great, now parents have to worry about their kids getting ghosted by a velociraptor? "Hey Timmy, it's Ronny the Raptor. U up? Don't you hate it when you send an eggplant emoji to a Triceratops and they be like: who dis?"
because they dont like Meat.
I said, “i decided to stop giving a shift.”
Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
Boss texts me: “That’s hilarious, send me another one!”
"I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad, I take something for it."
The real recursion joke is in the title.
Long time, no C, son.
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with a hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”
I said, 'Why on earth is your girlfriend called Back?'
My response: “A rectangular metal instrument affixed to the rear of your car, paid for by you, but issued by the State as a means of taxation, identification, and regulatory control.”
Me: I turned Pandora off, but it is still playing and I would have to completely close all my school work tabs to shut the stupid thing down. Several songs later, and it still won't go away. ):|
Him: You have opened Pandora's Box.
I got one text that said "a dad joke to you everyday" and they are still charging me monthly.
sister: wish I was there with you
Dad: catch a plane
sister: I don't have a big enough net
I texted her back, "What does soon taste like?"
It's the stuff of legends
Check my phone,
"iTired...there's a nap for that"
Me: I got pizza for us Her: oh what kind? Me: buffalo chicken Her: omg i was just thinking about that! Me: you could say we are like lance bass and justin timberlake Her: ? Me: we're nsync Her: .....omg
EDIT: Yes, she texts him back don't worry. These texts are saved on her phone, replies are not.
Wife: Would you like a toasted gouda and ham sandwich for lunch?
Me: No thanks, not hungry yet.
Wife: OK, so you're gouda for now then.
You’ll need to use glasses then, since you lost your contacts.
Gf: can you look up stuff for me?
wait 10 minutes
me: when can I stop staring at the ceiling?
Gf: I don't know why we are still together
His funfair is next monkey.
Because it speaks for itself.
What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.
If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.
Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.
I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.
Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.
I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *
Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.
I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.
Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.
Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?
Dad: You're going to want to sit down for this one.
Me: Dad stop.
Replied "No, North America."
So I asked if he had the kerrage to say hello.
Kid: I don't know.
Me: I've been asking everyone. I'll never figure this out -- no one knows.
She replied, "Yeah, I heard it snore a couple of times."
I swear, this shit just writes itself.
As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he ever farted in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it!
My response: So are they boo-hoo-bies?
Dad: Hopefully he's out for the whole surgery.
He has "A History of Violins"
In heaven the Elephants are in charge of remembering everything, the monkeys are in charge of giving hugs, the hippos are in charge of retrieving things that have fallen in water, the mice are in charge of dancing on the petals of flowers, the cats are in charge of landing on their feet when they fall out of a tree and porcupines are in charge of keeping the monkeys away from the bananas. 😃 In Hell the Hippos are in charge of dancing on the flowers, the elephants are in charge of landing on their feet when they fall out of a tree, the cats are in charge of retrieving things that have fallen in water, monkeys are in charge of remembering everything, the mice are in charge of keeping the monkeys away from the bananas and the porcupines are in charge of giving hugs. 😫
"If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian."