Surprise dad joke from my wife

I will preface this by saying I work in IT.

The other day we were watching tv when my son started playing in front of the screen. The first statement I could come up with was β€œyou’ve got to sit down your dad’s not a glassmaker”

My wife’s response was β€œbut he does work with Windows”

I am a proud husband.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmatt1877
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Jokes all over the U.S.

Preface: I live in Ohio.

Over the years my dad and I have taken lots of trips together or vacations to different states. Well whenever he goes to pay for something with cash, thinking he's real clever, he asks the cashier if they accept Ohio money. Every. Single. Time. The cashier instantly gets super confused and kinda just stares awkwardly. Despite how dumb the joke is I honestly do get a chuckle out of how uncomfortable the cashiers get lol.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/colabucks9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2013
🚨︎ report
UPS dad

To preface, I live on a farm, you can see our goats from the driveway. So the UPS man was dropping off a package to me today, and as I am signing for it this exchange happens UPS Guy: "Uh oh." Me: "What!?" UPS Guy: "Things just goat serious." πŸ˜‘

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/KillTh3King
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Just Dad-joked my coworker, many groans were had.

To preface, we work at a coffee shop. A somewhat picky customer comes up and orders a 16 ounce chai tea latte, with soy milk. My coworker tells me all of this, and that the customer would like the drink at exactly 140Β°F. I make the drink, and call it out to be picked up: "16 ounce soy milk chai!"

My coworker comes over and says, "Hopefully she likes it, I've had to remake her drink a couple times before." I replied with:

"Well I certainly chai-ed soy hard when I made it."

Eye rolling and groans all around while I grinned ear to ear.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/Codidly5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Moms can dad joke, too!

I'll preface this by mentioning I'm 5'5".

At the grocery store this afternoon I couldn't reach the very last of the strawberry Yop pushed wayyyy back on the very top shelf in the refrigeration aisle, so I basically had to drop my basket and scale the damn thing to reach the last three bottles. Tall guy near me observes this.

Tall guy: Can I give you a hand? Me: Actually I could use a couple of feet.

I came home and told my husband. He looked at me and said "And you're actually proud of yourself!" Haha!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/L00k_Again
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2014
🚨︎ report
It's worth the read!

I should preface this by saying this was on of the best dates I've ever been on, but the relationship also subsequently fell apart because of it.

Anyway, a few years ago, my girlfriend and I had been going out for a few months, and things were great. I met her through a mutual friend of mine at the hospital, weirdly enough. Our friend had gotten in a very bad accident and had to get a glass eye. He would always dab it with cotton to stop the bleeding at the beginning. Anyway, this is all relevant because my girlfriend (not girlfriend at the time) bonded over how disgusting our friends eye was. This got us to talking, and before you know it, we started going out. Things got pretty serious months and months down the line, and I was just laid off from my job. This meant that in general, we would go on cheaper dates. Nothing too drastic. Just like a movie and dinner instead of say the Opera and a fancy five star restaurant.

So, about a year and a half into the relationship, Joe, the mutual friend of ours, suggests a double date with us and his girlfriend. He knew the situation I was in and offered to pay for the whole thing. Great right? Well... no. I was actually planning on proposing to my girlfriend. Except Joe suggested the plans in front of my girlfriend too, so she accepted for both of us. I didn't want to propose to her on a double date, so I pulled her aside and told her to just skip the date and come over instead. Joe had bought us all tickets to a baseball game, and believe it or not, my girlfriend chose the baseball game instead of me. I stayed home alone as she went out with Joe and his girlfriend. Moral of the story is, if it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd been married a long time ago.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/herper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Rename our city

Preface: We live in a city called Red Deer.

Wife: "It has been raining a lot for the past few weeks here."

Me: "Ya you're right. We should rename this city to Reindeer!"

Wife: smh

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/aamir64
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2015
🚨︎ report
Cringe-worthy exchange between my father and I the other day

Let me preface this with some info. Firstly, me and my father are idiots; our jokes can become insensitive if we aren't careful, as we have few filters. My parents live in a tiny town amidst a thousand other tiny towns. One of the tiny towns right beside us (let's call it Townsburg) has a lot of forest and extra land, so towards the end of the summer when it's still hot but the land is starting to dry out, it's rather susceptible to fires. The other day, Townsburg caught fire in a few different places. The town my parents live in (we'll call it Cityville) is the sausage capital of our state. Yep. Sausage capital. Like brisket and such. Our proudest export is meat. Meat is what we are most proud of. I don't live there anymore, thank the universe.

So I went by my parents house on the way home from work one day to check on my retired, sick father, and watch the news with him (something I try to do whenever I can). And what happened next, well, it all just happened so fast...

Me: "Whoa, Townsburg is on fire again. I guess Cityville isn't the barbecue capital anymore, AYO." Dad: "Nope. Looks like they're about to be the barbecued capital." Me: "...we may need to stop hanging out so much."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/queerleaderr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad dropped this gem at dinner last night

(Little preface to this: My sister is in beauty school, getting her degree in cosmetology. We've been using her for haircuts.)

My family was eating dinner together, and my mom said to my sister that she needs to come in for a haircut soon.

My sister asked her, "Cool, how short do you want to go?"

Our dad quickly replied, "Hopefully not too much shorter. She's only 5'3" as is."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElderCunningham
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Got the whole council with this one...

I am on the city council and we had a workshop about why utility rates are lower inside the city compared to outside.

It came down to this:

  1. No study was done to show the validity of the difference.
  2. It was strictly a policy decision with an arbitrary number.
  3. The reason for this approach was simply that it is "standard in the industry" and because it is "what every other city does".

Prefacing that I was a dad so I had to say it: I suggested the rational wasn't the most sound since "just because every other city jumped off a bridge, it didn't mean I wasn't going to jump off a bridge."

Mixture of groans and laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/gabeanzelini
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Punny beats

So as a bit of a preface, I have a boss named Steve who has the most incredible ability to let puns flow like water. I'm the only one who enjoys them so I felt like I would share them with you guys.

We started talking about advertising for our store since things are slow this time of year.

Me: Why don't we make a band and just play some awesome stuff to get people to come in? BMSteve: Who is going to play the drums and who is going to look good? Coworker: I can't play anything so find someone else to do the drums BMSteve: I would play the drums, but the last time the guys told me to beat it.

Both coworkers left imediately after and 15 minutes early. I loved it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bossman_Steve
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Had a string of dad jokes at dinner today

First I should preface that the restaurant we went to had a sucker with every meal. They also had a plate of pickles for appetizers. So naturally we got some pickles and fries for appetizers and I ordered some beer battered fish sticks for my main meal. But for some reason the main course came out before the appetizers, so there was some debate as to whether or not they should even bring out the appetizers.

Me: "Sounds like we're in a bit of a pickle."

Others: Groans.

Meal continues and naturally people are curious how everybody's food is.

Friend: "Tabbou, how is your food?"

Me: "I don't know... It takes kinda... fishy..."

Friend: "Tabbouuuuu..."

Finally, as we're getting out our chairs to leave, my friend holds up her sucker and asks, "Does anybody want this?"

Me: "Yeah, I'm a real sucker for them."

Friend: "Tabou, stop."

Other random customers sitting near us, "Hey, you're a sucker for these? Take ours!"

I scored four suckers tonight.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tabbou
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Cracked a dad joke on the most appropriate day: my dad's birthday

Preface: My dad, mom, and I went out to eat mexican food. Like we usually do, we order a huge platter of nachos and demolish the whole thing. Surely we are full even before our main course arrives. We all ordered combination platters that consisted of, burritos, enchiladas, and tacos which were overflowing with lettuce that no one except for my mom wanted to eat. My mom kept on nagging my dad and I to eat the lettuce so that it would lighten us up and make us feel less full:

Mom (for the 10th time): You boys should eat your lettuce. Come on now.

Me: Mom lettuce be!

Immediately my mom cringed and groaned, while my dad, after repeating the joke, gave a hearty chuckle.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/dadsspaghetti
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Got my dad tonight!

Let me preface this by saying that we live on a farm with a truly evil rooster who will attack anyone and everyone.

The fed-ex guy dropped off a package my dad had ordered, and my parents asked if he'd had any trouble with the rooster. I said he hadn't. They were like, "Good. That might've been a lawsuit waiting to happen or something."

And I said, "Yeah, maybe we should put up a Beware of Rooster sign, so we can't get sued for fowl play."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vocabularri
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.