Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”
SO (at the market) : What kind of coffee beans do you want?
Me: Anything that doesn't say dark roast
SO: OMG! Hold the phone, I may have found something amazing!
Me: Fun fact, I am already holding the phone.
I speak Atrocian
It meant the world to me
The fat one won't fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
http://imgur.com/bQIOGeg
Great, now parents have to worry about their kids getting ghosted by a velociraptor? "Hey Timmy, it's Ronny the Raptor. U up? Don't you hate it when you send an eggplant emoji to a Triceratops and they be like: who dis?"
Me: I turned Pandora off, but it is still playing and I would have to completely close all my school work tabs to shut the stupid thing down. Several songs later, and it still won't go away. ):|
Him: You have opened Pandora's Box.
It's immaterial.
Wife: Would you like a toasted gouda and ham sandwich for lunch?
Me: No thanks, not hungry yet.
Wife: OK, so you're gouda for now then.
http://i.imgur.com/kfJW6La.png
Wife: I am dog-tired today.
Me: Jeez, honey, that sounds "ruff".
This is the exact interaction that took place:
Dad: I have a joke for you
Me: Aight.
Dad: When someone expresses an annoying opinion ask them...
Me: Go on. Im enthralled.
Dad: Deer eat grass, cows eat grass
Dad: Horses eat grass
Dad: Ask: why is deer poop like raisins but cow poop look like paddies and horse look like apple plop
Dad: He or she will say I do not know
Dad: R u ready for punchline?
Me: I was born ready.
Dad: Ok then...
Dad: U say, why do I care what u say when you don't know shit!
Me: I see you learned to text message.
My response: So are they boo-hoo-bies?
- Me: I'm picking up pizza, are you hungry?
- Dad: No, I'm Dad.
- Me: You're hilarious
- Dad: Wrong again Matthew, I'm Dad!
- I Walked right into it
First text from Dad:
"Son, I'd like to make three points."
After about 5 minutes of waiting nervously to hear what I did wrong I receive this text:
"..."
Followed by, "Hope you're having a good Wednesday son :)" His mission was accomplished.
My wife sent me a picture of our baby. This was the exchange that followed:
Me: Look at those cheeks! They are huge!
Her: It is the angle, I am sure. The camera adds 10 pounds.
Me: How many cameras are you using?!
http://i.imgur.com/5jqWvaD.png
Text between two dads. Talking about our friend Sean but miss texted Seam.
Me: Can I get a ride from seams? Him: Yep but who is this seams guy will I like him? Me: Yeah you will like Seam. He really holds things together..
http://imgur.com/Tk1kbVL
I received a text message that was clearly meant for someone else where the person said something like "I was hopping you could pick me up a case of beef sticks while you're at the store."
I responded with "Won't you be tired from all that hopping until Molly gets back from the store?"
My pop just dropped this one via text message:
I used Red Bull instead of water to make my coffee this morning... Got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.
A couple of hours later, I text my wife
"I don't want to alarm you, but I'm the hospital"
edit: the original message
They just arrived. Safe and sound
Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
Text message transcript follows
Me: Running a little late, I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dad: potassium
My boss is a good guy and a good boss, but he always says the same 5 or so jokes (he has two young kids). Anytime he pulls up to a job that we've been working on its "you aren't done yet?" or its "great job, but why are they upside down". Every time someone walks up to a job they get a loud "shhhh, here they come". I can go on and on, he has comedy routines for almost every situation.
So that's what I have to deal with.
Last weekend he took a mini-vacation, and brought me back a bottle of hot sauce (I'm something of a heatseeker) and the bottle was layer with all sorts of sexual innuendo that it'll get you hard and great at sex.
The other day I send him a text message around lunch time that only said "I have to go to the emergency room." Not 30 seconds pass and I get a phone call from him.
Boss: "What happened?"
Me: "Well, this morning I put some of that hot sauce you gave me on my eggs, and I've had an erection lasting more than four hours."
Boss: dryly "Ha. Ha. Haaa."
Meanwhile my coworker is dying of laughter and I'm trying to keep it together.
I've told everyone about this the past couple days.
http://imgur.com/a/Uhd4b
I submitted to /r/funny but apparently text messaging posts break one of the mods laws or something. Thought y'all might appreciate it instead.
He sends me a text message with a picture of running water in our sink.
DEAR NEIGHBOUR:
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door.
I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.
The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you.
Regards, Richard
NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.
2ND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
Real life transcript from a text message with my daughter...
Daughter: Dad do you think you can go get me an earwax removal thing from the drugstore? My one ear is plugged and I think it's from earwax
Dad: Sure
Daughter: Thanks
Dad: Are you in pain? Can you wait a little while?
Daughter: I can wait a little bit but it's just annoying because I can only hear out of one ear
Dad: What?
Daughter: I can't hear out of one ear
Dad: Huh?
Daughter: I can a little bit but it's really muffled
Dad: Can you speak up?
Daughter stops responding. When will she learn.
[via text message]
Me: The new fridge is in, and we're good to go! Thanks!
Landlord: Cool (get it????)
She was using voice to text on her smartphone to send a message to someone. She said " Ok we will be there tonight should we bring anything?" I assumed that meant we were going to someone's house for dinner and asked my dad, "Who is she talking to?"(Wanting to know where we were going to eat.)
His immediate response, "The phone, stupid."
God dammit Dad.
My dad is out of the country with a cruise and texted me. I told him to Facebook message me so as to not waste his roaming minutes.
His response: Roming on Friday. Florencing tomorrow. Francing today."
I laughed in my cubicle and refused to explain why.
My dad texted me to remind me to turn in my rent, he thinks I'll forget something important like that I guess. I didn't respond from his initial text message so he quickly sent me another
"Please confirm. Roger over and out."
I responded saying "Thank you!" he was clearly not happy with this and said
"You're supposed to say "Roger..Over" at the end of your communication. Over"
I replied "Roger I love you. Over"
My dad responded with "My name is Dad, not Roger. What the Hell? Over" ...
I will never understand his humor.. But it makes me laugh.
Happened over text message: http://imgur.com/fNLRgpZ
Him: Yeah man...I went golfing like for times last summer, I want to go more regularly this year so I don't suck quite so much haha
Me: *fore times. FTFY
Him: Jesus. A little early in life to be making dad jokes, don't you think?
Me: I'm not Jesus, I'm Kevin.
Him: Goddammit.
