I was watching some Gordan Ramsay edits and I gotta say
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︎ Oct 13 2020
Sorry for tye bad crop its hard to edit on phone for me.
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︎ Sep 11 2020
Sweet revenge:) (also the edit is because I had to translate the message so sorry about that)
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︎ Feb 03 2020
I really hat that you can't edit your title
What if I make a spelling mistake?
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︎ May 21 2020
I'm tired and I was looking through pictures of my camera to edit, it's probably been done before but I couldn't help it...
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︎ Mar 19 2017
Saw this meme and knew I had to (poorly) edit it for bad jokes
http://imgur.com/rkEq0xO
Ooooh! You said DAD jokes.....
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︎ Aug 30 2017
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Dress code
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︎ Oct 31 2020
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Edit: Thanks for all the positive reactions to this joke. Iβm glad I could make a few of you chuckle today.
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other βDang, I left my electrons in the car.β The other replies, βAre you sure?β
βYa, Iβm positive.β
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︎ Nov 28 2020
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
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︎ Aug 18 2020
Iβm so bored that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
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︎ Aug 26 2020
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
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︎ Aug 25 2020
Burnt my hawaiian pizza today...
Should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
EDIT: Thanks for the awards, y'all!
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︎ Oct 06 2020
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Edit: Wow! Went to bed, went to work, checked this post, and holy hell did it blow up! Thanks for the awards, funny add-one and dad jokes! This sub is awesome!
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︎ Oct 20 2020
Why is North Korea so evil?
Because they have no Seoul.
Edit: Thanks for the support and for my first award everyone! I canβt take credit for the joke itself as a friend who passed a number of years made it up in high school, but Iβm sure heβd be ecstatic to see the number of updoots and laughter itβs brought.
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︎ Oct 17 2020
Found this on r/cursedcomments - the post (by u/Atom596 ) was removed for some reason so I couldn't crosspost but wanted to give the op credit
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︎ Aug 12 2020
Why are people from Norway so good at editing files in Linux?
Their ancestors are vi-kings.
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︎ Sep 10 2020
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
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︎ Oct 04 2020
It's my 1-year Reddit anniversary
Getting karma should be easy as cake
Edit: Itβs a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!
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︎ Jun 28 2020
Why can't blind people eat ocean fish?
Because it's see-food!
my 11 year old daughter ran in here while cooking greens and dropped that knowledge on us. I couldn't be more proud lol.
edit: just wanted to let those of you who have is awards that I appreciate it! I told my daughter about them and she asked if she can keep telling jokes for me to put on here lol. should get fairly interesting.
thanks all. I hope you had a great turkey gobble day
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︎ Nov 27 2020
My friend in the country couldnβt afford his water bill...
So I sent him a βGet Well Soon!β card.
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︎ Jul 07 2020
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends werenβt very supportive. They kept telling him to βGet with the times...
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︎ Sep 22 2020
I am a proud dad today - my son ask me what this Indian bread on top of the fridge is for
I told him itβs Naan of his business
Edit: he could have replied βpapa dumbβ
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︎ Dec 01 2020
So proud of my daughter for this one... "Why do fishes swim in salt water?"
Because pepper would make them sneeze!
She's six. She's awesome.
EDIT: Woo highest rated post, thanks to my kid. Also, I never said she wrote it! She just told it to me. So there.
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︎ Jun 03 2020
What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?
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︎ Jun 05 2020
My friend has a lot of knowledge about Islamic festivals.
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︎ Oct 12 2020
My 9 year old wanted me to post her joke here!
What does it mean when you find horseshoes?
It means a horse is walking round in its socks!
I am so proud of her!
Edit: wording.
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︎ Jul 27 2020
Why do pirates live the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C
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︎ Oct 22 2020
Soory bad editing.But be careful guys.
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︎ Jun 14 2020
Dad, did you get your hair cut?
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︎ Oct 18 2020
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
....
It was a shitzu.
EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)
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︎ Jul 06 2020
The local paper ran a front page article about offering a large print edition to be more accessible.
Apparently it was big news.
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︎ Jul 01 2020
At the beach, opposite the life guard, a man sleeps on a towel, adjacent an unopened umbrella.
When he wakes up, he's going to be a tan gent.
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︎ Sep 23 2020
I picked up a book on editing your writing last week.
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︎ Jul 06 2020
high iq
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︎ Apr 12 2020
Did you hear about the guy trying out for editor for the sums series of Math Magazine?
It was an addition edition audition.
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︎ Nov 02 2020
What do you call pants that you don't wear right now?
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︎ Oct 18 2020
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
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︎ Apr 11 2020
I have a knock-knock joke, but you have to start it...
Knock-knock.
>!Who's there?!<
Edit: my son told me this. I was confused at why I had to start it and then cracked up when he said βwhoβs there?β
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︎ Oct 20 2020
What do you call a cow who is vegetarian?
A vegeta-bull
Edit: Itβs been brought up that I shouldβve said bovine instead of cow. I definitely didnβt mean to offend anyone! I literally thought this stupid joke to myself while in the shower lol
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︎ Oct 27 2020
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
Edit: OMG Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
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︎ Mar 19 2020
Relationship advice
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︎ Aug 05 2020
If youβve heard of Murphyβs Law you must have heard of Coleβs law
... itβs shredded cabbage
Edit: I personally hate coleslaw and thought it was made of lettuce.
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︎ Nov 01 2020
Sorry this isnβt really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank yβall for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesnβt seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and Iβm so glad for yβallβs support!!
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︎ May 23 2020
Whatβs the coolest disease or condition one can die from?
Hypothermia! Itβs the coolest way to go.
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︎ Sep 12 2020
I can never remember the Roman Numerals for 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500...
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︎ Feb 18 2020
I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
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︎ May 18 2020
The word βdiputseromneveβ may look ridiculous...
But backwards itβs even more stupid...
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︎ May 29 2020
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I canβt believe Iβve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didnβt have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
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︎ Apr 22 2020
I just flew in from Chernobyl,
and boy are my arms legs.
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︎ Jul 07 2020
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