What do you use to measure the sharpness of a vampires teeth?

The fangle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MahogArnie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".

" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnusfeli
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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I am waiting to recover from injuries caused by a small sharp tool:

Time heals awl wounds.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Looking Sharp
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KunGDark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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En garde!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ahydron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Why won't swords go obsolete?

They are cutting edge technology.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/U-r-a-bus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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How many swords do you have?
πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KevlarYarmulke
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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My son didn't like sharp stones on the seafloor at the beach

He couldn't stand it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatdoginapan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I once made a pencil with 2 erasers.

But it was pointless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiosMioMan2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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I can’t win arguments against sharp knives

They’ve always got the best points

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCultofLoss
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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As an orchestra conductor, I could tell when the entire violin section missed the key with no sharps or flats...

It was A minor error.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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A sharp mind has placed this here
πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsyerboiTRESH
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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Musicians say if the world isn't round

It would B flat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PieShape_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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I cant handle how sharp this is.
πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arbitrary_Bastion
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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When early man discovered that they could use sharp stones for hunting, it was a big deal.

It was cutting edge technology

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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That's some sharp wit right there.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/babydoll_bd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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I've decided to marry a pencil.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat miner

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/enggeek
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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I got an interview and told them I was proficient in C and C-sharp.

Turns out that wasn't good enough to be a pianist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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Be careful, it’s sharp
πŸ‘︎ 308
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicht-deutsch
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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That's sharp!
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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Extra sharp cheddar
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadian_bacon_ay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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Why can’t a reed knife be too sharp?

Because that’s not natural

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrdangwangpang
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Very sharp
πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lil_DYUZX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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I cut myself making a sandwich today.

They don't call it sharp cheddar for no reason.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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An audience member asked me how I made the brisk sharp cracking sound with my hand.

I told her it was a snap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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My friend didn’t get why the top of the fence was so sharp

I said to him, β€œThat’s the point”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrPoltergeist67
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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What's a pirate's favorite note?

The high C, of course.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/westtxfun
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Why was the cheddar always grumpy

He was a curdmudgeon

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squidgyboat5955
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time

It had cutting edge technology

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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My friend bought a microscopically precise pencil sharpener.

I don’t see the point.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PulkPush
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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My daughter pointed at a spear and said β€œdaddy look it’s sharp”

I replied with β€œthat’s the point”

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lZombieChaserl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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Why is stained glass popular?

It’s always looking sharp!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyRamenMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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Don't bring cheese to a sword fight.

But if you do, make sure it's extra sharp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Craftninja7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tankerman05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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What do you call a sharp dot who points out directions for blind people

A pointy point who has no point in pointing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/casecracker108
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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This looks sharp
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/someone56409
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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On the dad joke scale, I got my first ever eye-roll and sharp exhale WITH a walk out of the room from my wife!

Me: Today was an awful day at work

Wife: Are you serious? Tell me about it

Me: I’m not Sirius, I’m your husband. And Itt was a short, hirsute creature who looked short of like a haystack with sunglasses; he was Gomez’s cousin and spoke in high pitched gibberish all the time. Now if we could get back to my day...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mfitzy87
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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I took my car to the shop today because my tire was making a whistling noise

Mechanic: sounds like a flat

Me: actually sounds more like an F-sharp to me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dexter992
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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These guys are sharp
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πŸ‘€︎ u/user_doge-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
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Found this gem on r/me_irl
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Papa_Guacamole69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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What’s the difference between a sharp dressed fellow on a bicycle, and a poorly dressed one on a tricycle?

A tire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/13FoxDan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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Ha ha
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mask3dman805
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a sharp dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

πŸ‘︎ 353
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πŸ‘€︎ u/khaosktrl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2017
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I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit

No more Mr. Knife guy

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AllKnowingBurrito
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omidhashtad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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