A list of puns related to "Burns Night"
I wasn't going to go, but he twisted my arm
His business is toast.
Thankfully there were no soles lost.
Left the brownies in the oven for too long...
1st blonde: "I'm going to be the first woman to land on the Sun."
2nd blonde: "Don't be stupid, you'll burn."
1st blonde: "Nah!! I've got a plan. I'm going at night."
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.
But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.
Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.
And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.
Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.
The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do
... keep reading on reddit ➡Hey everyone! First day on Reddit and would love to make a good start. Here are a few puns to cheer up your day :
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast
When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.
What's the worst thing about throwing a party in space? You have to Planet.
To write with a broken pencil ,is pointless.
A frog robbed a bank. It was the first time it Kermited a crime.
I used to have a fear of hurdles ,but I got over it.
There you go everyone! Hope you all enjoyed it and if at all cheered your day up! Feel free to leave some feedback :)
Cheers
Younger one says, “I t’s getting cold, can we light a fire?” The older one says“no” The evening approaches and the young one again asks, “can we light a fire?” But the older one declines. They stop for the night and the young Inuit asks if they can light a fire, because is getting very cold. But the older one says “no” again and goes to sleep. The young one sneakily lights a fire and the kayak burns down.
Moral of the story: you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
He must have it in his Genes.
But seriously check out his Star Trek track listings. The guy loves a good pun.
Star Trek
Star Trek
Nailin' The Kelvin
Labor Of Love
Hella Bar Talk
Enterprising Young Men
Nero Sighted
Nice To Meld You
Run And Shoot Offense
Does It Still McFly?
Nero Death Experience
Nero Fiddles, Narada Burns
Back From Black
That New Car Smell
To Boldly Go
End Credits
Star Trek Into Darkness
Logos / Pranking The Natives
Spock Drops, Kirk Jumps
Sub Prime Directive
London Calling
Meld-Merized
The Kronos Wartet
Brigadoom
Ship To Ship
Earthbound And Down
Warp Core Values
Buying The Space Farm
The San Fran Hustle
Kirk Enterprises
Star Trek Main Theme
Star Trek Beyond
Logo and Prosper
Thank Your Lucky Star Date
Night on the Yorktown
The Dance of the Nebula
A Swarm Reception
Hitting the Saucer a Little Hard
Jaylah Damage
In Artifacts as in Life
Franklin, My Dear
A Lesson in Vulcan Mineralogy
MotorCycles of Relief
Mocking Jaylah
Crash Decisions
Krall-y Krall-y Oxen Free
Shutdown Happens
Cater-Krall in Zero G
Par-tay for the Course
Star Trek Main Theme
And he says to me, about my fireplace, "you oughta use your grate. It may burn hotter and faster." Told him I opted out of using it simply because the fireplace is small. Texted him later that night, "I got that metal shelf in the fireplace, and whaddya know, IT WORKS GRATE." He's yet to reply to me still...
My manager sees me working late on the IM. MANAGER: burning the midnight oil? ME: yeah MANAGER: alright, good night and don't let the CAM bugs bite!
Now his business is toast.
Now all his inventory is toast.
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