The doctors called it eyeLEDs
They have an irideSCENT
(To my cousin)
Me: Who are you dating now?
Cousin: Alexis
Uncle: I told him not to date a car, They're too high maintenance.
(Groans, etc.)
Because all my blood is rushing downstairs.
They were releaved.
[cue confused looks]
"Because, today is a draggin'!" (dragon)
[cue "I hate you" looks and/or painful eye-roll]
Rüdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "Rüdoff det røde", meaning "the red".
After years of wars, and regular battles, Rüdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.
One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but Rüdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars
"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.
He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:
Rüdoff The Red knows rain, dear.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
We were approaching a runner who was running towards us and right as he passed by, both of us thought he smelled strongly of marijuana. My dad said, "He must be on a runner's high."
I was very proud at that moment.
That shit was bananas.
A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...
So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.
The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"
The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.
"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.
"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re
... keep reading on reddit ➡I would walk into every room while giving tours with my arms outstretched, head tilted slightly upwards, eyes shining, just admiring the beauty of the space and then spin around slowly and proudly state, "And this? THIS is where the magic happens!"
Why?
Cause you're Shining.
You rise and shine every morning.
I call it Veriz'n shine..
All I wanted was one night stand.
Now I can play some hard rock.
This week’s dumb joke:
My wife and I were out for a walk, and we walked through a cool patch of air right by a field.
“It’s weird how it’s always cooler right there,” she said.
“Yeah,” I said, “I guess it’s because the sun never shines here. I wonder if they get a lot of dumping in this field?”
“Huh? Why?”
A beat.
Two beats.
“Isn’t this where they stick everything?” I deadpanned.
She laughed. You don’t have to.
After his baseball game, we picked up some take-out food for the family. Driving home and now dark, he and I see three people walking along the shoulder of our street, all wearing dark clothes. I almost hit one of them. I say, shaking my head, "Look at these idiots, wearing dark clothes at night...someone's gonna get run over."
He replies, from the back seat, "Yeah...they're not too bright."
Right away, I took a shine to her!
Now it's my time to shine.
It's my son-shine
It keeps me from streaking
This is my thyme to shine
I don't know, there is no pun-shine.
But now, it’s my time to shine.
I've been throwing out some popcorn and sometimes bread crumbs instead of composting it. They like it. And I like them. They'll CAW at me sometimes when I get in the car.
I've heard that Crows....when they like you...they'll leave little gifts for you on your door step. Shining things, like bits of foil, bottle caps, buttons...etc.
And while it's not explicitly stated...they do expect something in return.
It's Quid Pro Crow.
I think it would be called a rainbow. It seems like a really colorful idea. I bet it would really shine.
I make hey while the sun shines.
