A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
How does a baby look something up?
They "Goo Goo" it.
[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]
I once finished runner-up in a Fidel Castro look-a-like contest.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
What do you call a woman that would rather stare at her phone than look up at the Northern lights?
Wife holding up "Prickly Pear Margarita": looks like I'm not driving...
Me: Why?
Wife: I don't want to drive im-pear-ed!
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.
One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.
"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters
all they had was 15,809 matches
I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...
... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.
Two books meet up in a Library. One says, ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
.. just had my Appendix removed.
Where should you look up 80s white guy rappers?
The sun is hot, and bright... I look up to the sun. :)
A woman is running up the front stairs of a church. She asks the boy sitting at the top, "Is mass out?" The little boy looks at her and says...
"No, but your hat's on crooked."
Why does Mario not look things up online?
Because he hates BrOWSERs.
So a penguin, a priest and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:
What is this, some sort of a joke?
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
When discussing my history of eye inflammation at the optometrist, I was advised to look up information on conjunctivitis.com.
It's a site for sore eyes.
Looks like this chicken likes her eggs sunny side up
Wife : "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment to cheer me up"
"You have perfect eyesight"
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self...
A guy walks into a bank, walks up to the teller and asks, “Have you ever gone someplace and forget what you’re there for?” The teller looks at him, her eyes getting larger and larger.
The guy scratches his head with his gun saying, “I hate when that happens.”
Where can you look up the definitions of drug abuse, alcoholism, and problem gambling?
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What's your pleasure?".
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
A Roman soldier walks into a bar, looks at the bartender, hold ups two fingers and says..
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: "Dad look what happened to my tooth!" Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
I didn't even look up from my desk.
Dropped this on a co-worker just now.
Them: ".. yeah and why do we even have to pay for air at the gas stations, we never used to."
Me: Well it's due to inflation.
I am confident I've seen this joke on reddit before, just happy I was able to execute it as good as possible. I got tingly when the conversation was heading this way and she dropped the perfect setup line. Grateful I've seen it before, pass it on and use it wisely.
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
A hardboiled egg and a piece of bacon walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says,
"Sorry we don't serve breakfast here"
This looks like it's gonna be a huge pane to clean up.
What do you call a little loaf of bread that you can look up to?
I randomly place these around my work place. If you’re having a bad day, look up at what I drew for you. No, they’re not my original thoughts, but it makes work a better place.
My buddy rode up to me on his new bicycle. He says "look what I got for my wife".....
I can't come up with a witty title and I don't wanna ruin the joke, so just look at the goddamned picture
My GPS is difficult to use whenever I try to look up specific coordinates.
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
What do you call a toy of your dad you look up to?
I used to look up to my Dad
I miss my SO a lot. I end up kissing and hugging thin air and she says it makes me look ridiculous. How do I recalibrate my aim? (r/fifthworldproblems)
reddit.com/r/fifthworldpr…
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
There was a prison break and saw a midget climb up the fence and give me a nasty look
And I thought to myself “that was a little condescending”
E-flat walks into a bar. The bar tender looks up and says,
“I’m sorry. We don’t serve minors.”
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
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