I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
It's pastor bedtime
"I artichoke you for that"
They "Goo Goo" it.
[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]
Close, but no cigar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
Aurora Borealis
Me: Why?
Wife: I don't want to drive im-pear-ed!
One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.
"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.
all they had was 15,809 matches
... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.
.. just had my Appendix removed.
wiki wiki wiki wiki
"No, but your hat's on crooked."
Because he hates BrOWSERs.
What is this, some sort of a joke?
Boy, was my face red!
It's a site for sore eyes.
"You have perfect eyesight"
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
The guy scratches his head with his gun saying, “I hate when that happens.”
Addictionary!
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
"Let me get five beers."
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
Dropped this on a co-worker just now.
Them: ".. yeah and why do we even have to pay for air at the gas stations, we never used to."
Me: Well it's due to inflation.
I am confident I've seen this joke on reddit before, just happy I was able to execute it as good as possible. I got tingly when the conversation was heading this way and she dropped the perfect setup line. Grateful I've seen it before, pass it on and use it wisely.
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
"Sorry we don't serve breakfast here"
A roll model
I replied, "nice trade"
It has a bad latitude.
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
A father figure
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
And I thought to myself “that was a little condescending”
“I’m sorry. We don’t serve minors.”
