A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".

I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...

It's pastor bedtime

πŸ‘︎ 278
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trigrex
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes

"I artichoke you for that"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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How does a baby look something up?

They "Goo Goo" it.

[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]

πŸ‘︎ 475
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I once finished runner-up in a Fidel Castro look-a-like contest.

Close, but no cigar.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TehIrishSoap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman that would rather stare at her phone than look up at the Northern lights?

Aurora Borealis

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife holding up "Prickly Pear Margarita": looks like I'm not driving...

Me: Why?

Wife: I don't want to drive im-pear-ed!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.

One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.

"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters

all they had was 15,809 matches

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...

... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Two books meet up in a Library. One says, ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..

.. just had my Appendix removed.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Where should you look up 80s white guy rappers?

wiki wiki wiki wiki

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The sun is hot, and bright... I look up to the sun. :)
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatLilChara2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is running up the front stairs of a church. She asks the boy sitting at the top, "Is mass out?" The little boy looks at her and says...

"No, but your hat's on crooked."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sineofthetimes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Mario not look things up online?

Because he hates BrOWSERs.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xarviz01
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
So a penguin, a priest and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:

What is this, some sort of a joke?

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.

Boy, was my face red!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
When discussing my history of eye inflammation at the optometrist, I was advised to look up information on conjunctivitis.com.

It's a site for sore eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/conundrumbombs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Looks like this chicken likes her eggs sunny side up
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sine_nomine1859
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife : "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment to cheer me up"

"You have perfect eyesight"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?

Me: No, thanks.

Nurse: Fine. Suture self...

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamSchrute25
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bank, walks up to the teller and asks, β€œHave you ever gone someplace and forget what you’re there for?” The teller looks at him, her eyes getting larger and larger.

The guy scratches his head with his gun saying, β€œI hate when that happens.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Where can you look up the definitions of drug abuse, alcoholism, and problem gambling?

Addictionary!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KillerFlea
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, β€œWhat’s your name, son?” He replies, β€œD-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, β€œOh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, β€œNo sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puggoamber
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What's your pleasure?".

He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phillydog1
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A Roman soldier walks into a bar, looks at the bartender, hold ups two fingers and says..

"Let me get five beers."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: "Dad look what happened to my tooth!" Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.

"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simmsnation
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I didn't even look up from my desk.

Dropped this on a co-worker just now.

Them: ".. yeah and why do we even have to pay for air at the gas stations, we never used to."

Me: Well it's due to inflation.

I am confident I've seen this joke on reddit before, just happy I was able to execute it as good as possible. I got tingly when the conversation was heading this way and she dropped the perfect setup line. Grateful I've seen it before, pass it on and use it wisely.

πŸ‘︎ 800
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πŸ‘€︎ u/random_feedback
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2017
🚨︎ report
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...

"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."


Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:

"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/istrebitjel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A hardboiled egg and a piece of bacon walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says,

"Sorry we don't serve breakfast here"

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsaacB1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
This looks like it's gonna be a huge pane to clean up.
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BOBquonjin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a little loaf of bread that you can look up to?

A roll model

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chrondo157
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I randomly place these around my work place. If you’re having a bad day, look up at what I drew for you. No, they’re not my original thoughts, but it makes work a better place.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PickleHipster
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
My buddy rode up to me on his new bicycle. He says "look what I got for my wife".....

I replied, "nice trade"

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigdotbob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't come up with a witty title and I don't wanna ruin the joke, so just look at the goddamned picture
πŸ‘︎ 400
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asmor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2015
🚨︎ report
My GPS is difficult to use whenever I try to look up specific coordinates.

It has a bad latitude.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."

The second doctor responds, "Suture self."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bruce_lees_ghost
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a toy of your dad you look up to?

A father figure

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDGames03
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I used to look up to my Dad

He worked on Stilts

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murphy223
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I miss my SO a lot. I end up kissing and hugging thin air and she says it makes me look ridiculous. How do I recalibrate my aim? (r/fifthworldproblems) reddit.com/r/fifthworldpr…
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBadger40
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, β€œWhat are you doing climbing my tree?” β€œWell, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.

β€œYou idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”

β€œWell I brought my own pears.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a prison break and saw a midget climb up the fence and give me a nasty look

And I thought to myself β€œthat was a little condescending”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandi-ela
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
🚨︎ report
E-flat walks into a bar. The bar tender looks up and says,

β€œI’m sorry. We don’t serve minors.”

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Vile1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".

I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommZ5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report

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