Be on the lookout!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/H3CtiX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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How do you call Lord Voldemort's lookout ??

A Harry spoter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thecheekybear
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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Police are on the lookout for a man who is dipping his testicles into glitter at a craft store

It's pretty nuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RymNumeroUno
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway...

Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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This just in: 2 robbers just hijacked a truck delivering a supply of viagra.

Everyone be on the lookout for 2 hardened criminals.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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Why don't bees spend their money?

Because they are stingy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Told a friend I was thinking of buying a lighthouse

He said "That's your lookout"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrewingBear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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There’s a recent report that counterfeit $1 bills have increased in circulation.

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
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I was hiking with my family and we came across a scenic overlook

LOOKOUT!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/retief1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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A midget fortune-teller has escaped from jail.

Police are on the lookout for a small medium at large.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/biggrumpybadger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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At work last night, we found a lost set of keys. The only identifiable information on them was a little metal bobble that read, "Eaves."

I told my coworkers to be on the lookout for an eavesdropper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ihavespaceballs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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The hottest nightclub in town.

As a chronic dad-joker, I'm always on the lookout for opportunities.

Today, while getting groceries, I saw a cheerful fellow chatting it up with two women.

In passing, I commented on the group's clear enjoyment of each other's company, when he suddenly declared, "I just found out these two ladies run the hottest nightclub in town!"

I raised my eyebrows and said, "Really? Maybe they should...install some air conditioning."


I saw myself out. (Of the shopping aisle. Immediately.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustinJamm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Grandfather zinged me with this one today.

So we were driving down the road, and he looks at me and says, "EnderWomanIsWatching, do you know why crows never get ran over?" And I, say "No Pops, why?"

"Because there's another bird on lookout for the ones in the road, and if he sees something he always starts saying, "Cahh, cahh, cah."

I laughed.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
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A cement mixer collided with a prison bus today

Police have told locals to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

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πŸ‘€︎ u/J96x_Rob_LFC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2017
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My dad just sent me this one...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilaregenbogen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad just sent me this. I buried my face in my hands.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slidewriter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad just emailed me this article about a crow problem in Boston

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." Absolutely amazing!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dysenterygary69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Just got this in an email from my dad.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Amazing!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mathliability
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
🚨︎ report

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