That came out of nowhere.
It was exactly what I expected.
The results were exactly what I expected.
If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.
I guess that means I'm calling in Sikh.
all the math teachers were pregnant at my middle school, and i remember asking my dad why.
dad: "because they like to multiply"
If Schürrle was a player instead of a player he'd be André "don't call me" Schürrle.
So I love this subreddit, it gives me new material and it gives me the opportunity to help my fellow fathers.
I have a question though, who else, aside from me, pictures the dads that comment and submit posts, as the dads who wear the typical dad attire? I mean the button up hawaiian shirt, kakhi shorts, and a drink in their hand, with a s**t-eating grin.
Lunch is on me.
It's a scatter plot.
He only preys on weak knights.
A clipboard and pen
I thought it was an astute observation.
I read that somewhere.
He asked if they needed to go into quarantine!
(UK just asked everyone coming in from France to observe 2 weeks quarantine)
" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "
They got bored and called it a day.
He took a gander.
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln." observed the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Two guys were standing in front of me while waiting in line for the pharmacy. One begins making small talk about the weather:
"I hope the rain keeps up!"
"So it doesn't come down!"
Quick backstory, my Dad was rushed to the hospital last night with an acute pericardial effusion. Of course, we didn't know the cause at the time, so when the Doc came into my Dads room in the ER to tell him what's going on and what they were going to do, emergency surgery, this is how the conversation went...
Doc: Mr FloatyMcBoatFace's Dad, You have fluid building up around your heart, an Acute Pericardial Effusion, and we have to go to surgery right away to get that fluid out of there.
My Dad: Well, good thing it isn't an Obtuse Pericardial Effusion...
The entire family groaned. The Dr and Nurse couldn't help but laugh after a few seconds of what I assume was shock.
Anyway, he seems to be doing fine, he's still in the hospital under observation though.
A: That would be an ass-toot observation.
An ass-toot observation
Scrambling, they look outside and see a bear, standing on its hind legs.
"Roar!" the bear growls.
They begin to run away into the woods, but the bear doesn't give chase. In fact, it's still standing there, looking at the tent.
"Roar!" the bear growls.
They stop and watch but it just keeps standing there. They inch closer, but no reaction.
"Roar!" the bear growls.
They summon up all their courage and approach to within inches. No reaction.
"Roar!" the bear growls.
"I think this bear might be broken," observes the son.
The dad nods. "I think that bear's repeating."
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
I just opened the oven and there were loads of tiny people dancing to techno.
It was a micro-rave.
In my experience, patients under observation do far better than the terminally ill.
A detective was called to a man's house to investigate a death. The man took the detective to his backyard and there was a dead rabbit lying there with a half eaten egg toasted sandwich and a half eaten cheese toasted sandwich. The detective quickly observed this and said to the man. "It seems to be a case of Myxomatoasties.
Because if you don't observe something, you can't be sure of its frequency.
"Well well well, would you look at the thyme!"
She observes the other herbs with much interest and notes one herb stands out as the clear leader of the pack. She asks her only friend so far Marjoram who that is. Marjoram says: “In here, he’s kind of a big Dill.”
Me: How come the chicken is cold?
Wife: It is still going to be baked in the oven.
Wife: You always say things are interesting
Me: What an interesting observation
What day does a soldier hate the most?
It leaves squid-marks.
I replied, "You're quite observant, I do have some hands."
After a great steak & eggs + side dishes breakfast...
Wife: Man. I'm so great. Cooking requires more creativity and skill than baking. You're just reading measurements with baking. With baking, all you need is time - a lot of time.
Me: What about basil or rosemary?
Me: Basil or rosemary?
A few seconds later, she gets it, sighs, then laughs. A few more seconds later...
Wife: I can't believe you're still laughing at your own joke.
Any time there's an insect in my girlfriend's house she calls me over to handle it, usually to cup it and throw it outside. On this fine occasion I observed what looked like a very small roach (Order: Blattodea), possibly a german roach, the kind that are much less freaky huge but more likely to infest a house. Not wanting to take any chances with a german roach infestation, I immediately smashed the little guy instead of saving him.
My GF asks, "what was it? a roach?"
The body is pretty squished and it's hard to see any identifiable features.
I say, "I'm pretty sure it's a Splattodea"
Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is... keep reading on reddit ➡
It takes too long to shake hands!
Step 1. Throw it in the water.
Step 2. Observe.
If it sinks? Girl ant.
If it floats? Boy ant.
Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.
Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.
Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in t... keep reading on reddit ➡
Courtesy of my dad last night at dinner 😂
Just an observation.
an asstute observation
He was having trouble with his observational comedy.
So we're at my sisters just talking about dreams when my dad pops up, "hey this one night I had this CRAZY dream that I was a tipi, then the next night I had another dream that I was a wigwam. So I went to the doctor's and told him about my dreams and asked him about it and he said I was 'TOO TENSE'" He then proceeded to laugh out loud like this was the absolute most funniest thing he has ever heard as I got up and left the room.
...you could say they have just made an ass-toot observation.
My brother makes the observation that a character is having some serious hallucinations.
Me: "Yeah, she's tripping."
Dad: "Why, did she fall?"
To observe and reflect.
My husband and I aren't planning on kids just yet, but he'll be great with the dad jokes if we ever have some.
A few weeks back, he called to ask if I needed anything from the store on his way home from work. I said no, and he followed that up with the random observation, "Hey, there's horses over there!"
I was initially confused, because the way he said it made it seem like they were in the road, and asked, "...what are they doing?"
There was a brief pause and he said, "Oh... just horsing around in a field."
I immediately hung up.
Edit: A word.
After discovering gravity, Isaac Newton went to tell his parents about his observations. His dad looked at him and said, "well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wall-mart grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman d... keep reading on reddit ➡
I observed that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
I'll preface this by mentioning I'm 5'5".
At the grocery store this afternoon I couldn't reach the very last of the strawberry Yop pushed wayyyy back on the very top shelf in the refrigeration aisle, so I basically had to drop my basket and scale the damn thing to reach the last three bottles. Tall guy near me observes this.
Tall guy: Can I give you a hand? Me: Actually I could use a couple of feet.
I came home and told my husband. He looked at me and said "And you're actually proud of yourself!" Haha!
Walking around campus today with my girlfriend
'Hey what's that building?'
'Oh. Who's Tory and why are we observing her?'
We were discussing how July 3rd is the Observed Holiday for Independence Day this year.
Co-worker: I just don't get that...
Boss: It's so all of the government workers have a day off... and so mailmen don't go postal
> > Balls > > > > INTERESTING OBSERVATION > > 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. > > > > > > > > > > 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. > > > > > > > > > > 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. > > > > > > > > 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. > > > > > > > > > > 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. > > And... > > > > > > > > 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is > > GOLF. > > > > THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: > > > > The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls > > become. > > There must be a boat load of people in Ottawa and Queen's Park > > playing marbles. > > You know you WILL PASS THIS ONE ON!
Today, my husband is cooking dinner and I gloriously get to observe. I see he's reaching into the cupboard and taking out the rice, then pipe up,
"Oh, so we are having really small rice then?"
Cue, bewildered look, shortly followed by an impressive groan.
Yep, it was minute rice! My dad would be so proud!
Uncle observes "no smoking" sign.
He's a smoker.
Pulls out two cigarettes.
I remind him he can't smoke.
Puts a cigarette in each nostril, turns to me and says;
My roommate was comparing two SD memory cards last night. He uses them for GoPro cameras for racing. He observed aloud that there was a 50MB difference in their read speeds. I chimed in, "But you're not interested in read speed, write?" You know it's bad when you have to explain the joke..
In walking through a park and observing the signs, ‘All dogs found on these grounds without their owners, will be shot,’ a friend of mine exclaimed, ‘That’s a hard case for dogs that can’t read.’
— Irving Browne, Humorous Phases of the Law, 1876
I was student observing/shadowing a doctor a few days ago. I went with the nurse into the patient room and she says
"This is perrbear, he's currently shadowing the doctor. Would you mind if he sits in?"
The husband responds "Sure, shadows have never bothered us.. although I've never seen one with a face before!"
I smile as he guffaws to himself.
Our assignment was to swab each of our left hands and then use one of four handwashing protocols, (i.e., hand sanitizer, antibacterial soap, etc.) and come back two days later to observe the difference on Petri plates. So we come back and we're all looking at each other's plates and a girl asks me, "Can I see your hands? Where are they?" to which I responded, "They're right here at the ends of my arms!" and held up my hands. The entire group let out a sigh and rolled their eyes.
A man sees a woman in a grocery story and tries to make a joke through observational humor and she gets him good:
Man: Why are people so fanatical about buying all natural foods?
Woman: Maybe they're afraid of dying
This isn't a joke that came from a dad or anything but I hope it's worthy!
My father started waiting in 1979 and took one of his first jobs at this extremely fancy and expensive restaurant. The type of place that the waiters wore tuxedos and whatnot. Anyways my dad worked with this guy named Froggy (nickname of course) whom my dad still praises to this day that he's one of the best waiters he's ever worked with.
Anyways, one night it's extremely busy and both my father and Froggy were rushing around trying to keep up. Well Froggy had this table with about 5-7 people all who looked like they wore expensive clothing, ordered the best food and so on. Well one of the guys ordered a baked potato as a side and Froggy proceeds with typical waiter stuff as asks if he wanted sour cream with his baked potato. The man says yes so Froggy scoops the cream and attempts to place it on the potato. Well... as he was moving to place it on, the cream slipped off and right onto this guys extremely expen... keep reading on reddit ➡
MURDER AT COSTCO STORE
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department... keep reading on reddit ➡
It was his turn, and he missed an easy pot.
"You didn't think about the angles", I observed.
"Or the saxons!" he shouted. Didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
The results were exactly what I expected.