I didn't realize my phone came with noface detection
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Llamalords101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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As a covid detection measure, the eyeglass place took my temperature before I could see the eye doctor.

Does anyone know how I can get it back?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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What did the Doctor say to the constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock?

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_mash_king
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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What do you call a detective alligator?

An investi-gator.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonymouspapayaz
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an alligator that wants to become a detective?

An investigator

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hendriklopez
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
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What do you call Detective Sherlock without a house

Sherlock Homeless

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vannsh007
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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What do you call a detective dog's party held in the United Arab Emirates?

Scooby Dubai Do

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zippysausage
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
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Saw a 70's t.v. program about 2 detectives who solve crimes over the phone.

Star Key and Hash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the name of a Swedish detective?

Sherlock Stockholmes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oooioooi
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
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What do you call a security company run by detectives?

Sir lock homes

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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Today I discovered that even detectives have constipation...

No shit, Sherlock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aloochap123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
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What does a blanket detective do?

Go undercover.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillCosbySexSlave
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
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A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6

I told him kindergarten

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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How did the detective describe the mysterious package he received?

He said it was an open and shut case.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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Did he hear about the detective who went rampaging through the city?

He left a trail of deduction in his wake

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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A detective couple adopts a teenager who turns out to be a pyromaniac.

After spending a few days at a detective convention, they come home to find their house burned to the ground. "What do you think caused this?" One asked the other. The other just sighed and replied "It was most likely ourson (arson)."

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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The detective thought he found the key to solving the baker mystery.

Turns out it was just a bread herring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vilateral
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."

"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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Why do detectives tend to scrutinize individuals with bluish eyes in cases of poisoning?

Because the real killer is usually cyan-eyed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/antirabbit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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Most likely yes
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/discovid19
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the β€œGuess your weight” booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.

He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pasngas42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSwedishNarwhal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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What did one fish detective say to the other fish detective after interrogating someone?

They’re really sus-fish-ous

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quinn_Likes_Tacos
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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I’ve got a friend who is an electrician and a part-time detective

We call him Sherlock Ohms.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guineaa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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How did the detective figure out who the engineer murdered?

He found his locomotive.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the poor detective say when he fell into the endless pit?

β€œI’m never going to get to the bottom of this.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nwmimms
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a family of chicken detectives...

They were called β€œthe clue clucks clan”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A detective arrives

11.45 : arrived at crime scene

11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle

11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain

11.45 : Realised watch was broken

.

.

.

.

.

My son: but this is not a dad joke.

Me : what is a day joke then?

My son : when the joke becomes a(p)parent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists have found a way to detect HIV using sound

They call the device hearing aids

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondmemebond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the detective fail to solve the mystery?

He hasn’t got a clue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NormallyWierd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you feel when your phone can't detect your bluetooth device ?

Des***pair***

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/subareid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A detective was investigating a murder. He soon found that the murder weapon was the bag of the murderer and it had their name on it.

It was a briefcase

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wingwang100
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Detective Holmes: "Watson, what's taking so long in there?"

Watson (constipated): "No shit, Sherlock."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/misterrandom1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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What do you call a group of racist Irish detectives?

The Mac cleu cleus clan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/squatingonmars
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are distillery workers such good detectives?

They are always looking for more proof!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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There's a detective named Frederick Lee...

His teammate is an anthropomorphic pig who wore a hood like little red riding hood. The pig’s name was Boar-Hood. So this one time, I wanted them to check out a masked menace in New York City. Fred wanted to lead the investigation. But since the criminal’s mask was animal themed, I said to them, β€œFred Lee: nay. Boar-hood: spy the man”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megadecimal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
"There's a 60% chance the killer shot the victim from this spot right here and a 40% chance he shot from over there", said the detective.

"This concludes my probaballistic report."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthlybird
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross a mason and a detective?

Concrete evidence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agent256
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What you call an alligator who wants to be a detective

An Investa-gator

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Fox1984
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an alligator interested in detective work?

An INVESTIGATOR

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhysicsPurple
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an alligator that wants to be a detective?

An investigator

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bakedlogik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?

An investi-gator

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faiz_Clan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 877
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a constipated detective

No shit Sherlock

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πŸ‘€︎ u/epicgamer927
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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