My favorite sound is the smoke detector...

β€˜cause that’s how I know supper is almost ready.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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The Carbon Monoxide detector went of last night,

Can't say I remember why though.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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My minimum wage job just started making us take lie detector tests.

It’s not much, but it’s an honest living.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/uamejamie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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A dad brought back lie detector robot..

Dad: son if you lie the robot slaps you.

Son: ok

Dad: did you drink at the party?

Son : no dad i...

Robot slaps son on the face

Dad: did you do drugs?

Son: no i swear..

Robot slaps son on the face

Dad: sigh , why did you turn out like this? Back in the days all i did was studying and...

Robot slaps dad on the face

Mom: haha like father like son

Robot slaps mom on the face

Edit: sorry this is daddies i can go

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ninokuni13
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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A man buys a lie detector robot

That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner.

β€œWhere were you during school hours?” He asks.

β€œAt school!” His son replies.

The robot slaps the boy.

β€œOk I was at my friends house....” His son says.

β€œWhat were you doing there?

β€œReading comics!”

The robot slaps the son again.

β€œOk ok!! We were watching an erotic movie...”

β€œWhat?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims.

The robot quickly slaps him.

His wife laughs and says, β€œWow, he really IS your son-β€œ

The robot slaps the wife.

πŸ‘︎ 360
πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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The metal detector beeped when the guard was checking me. He asked me if I had any metallic stuff with me, I said: just beeped because my Shirt is Ironed.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ‘€︎ u/hanrattyyy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....

I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vanpaa
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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So I held a stud detector up to myself.

It beeped.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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If someone wanted to become a professional lie detector, what would they need?

A lie-sense.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bruh-Nanaz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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I'm so mad that I've got severe burns this morning because the smoke detectors didn't work.

I'm still fuming!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/CFDMoFo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
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What do you call a Xenomorph motion detector?

A Giger counter.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryotaiku
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2016
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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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What did the bad guy use to find Scooby and the gang?

A meddle-detector

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftClickMadness
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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What do you call a rich detective?

A metal detector!

^Sorry ^if ^someone's ^made ^this ^before, ^I ^haven't ^seen ^it

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Annabeth666
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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Dad: "Did you hear about the new Ebola ad campaign?"

Me: "Uh, no..."

Dad: "It went viral."

Me: ΰ² _ΰ² 

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/JackLemon13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
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My baby-momma said she wanted to cook dinner in some peace and quiet... I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/BassWizard420
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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The wife is pissed at me...

because I failed to change the 9 volt battery in the smoke detector in her office. She came in afew minutes later looking for sympathy when the battery hit her square in the forehead when attempting to change it herself. Instead of offering sympathy, though, I said, "Well, there's a reason it's called a battery." And now I'll be sleeping in the guestroom.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/RickShaw530
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2015
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joke of the day

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody lies around it. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, β€œSo, you were at school today, right?”

Son: β€œYeah.”

Detector: β€œBeep.β€œ

Son: β€œOK, OK, I was in a cinema.”

Detector: β€œBeep.”

Son: β€œAlright, I went for a beer with my friends.”

Father: β€œWhat?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!β€œ

Detector: β€œBeep.”

Mother laughs: β€œHa ha ha, well, he really is your son!”

Detector: β€œBeep.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/sachinunchwal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2016
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Dadjoked by lecturer

Talking about particle detectors he asked the audience what gases were used in them. No-one has a clue.

"So... I guess that's hard to gas"

I was the only one laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ‘€︎ u/sup3r_hero
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2015
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The running jokes..

For a little background my dad enjoys the more vulgar jokes. Anyway, he often jokes about his "company." In fact every time he answers the phone he answers as if it's a call towards his company.

(He answers the phone) "Hello this is the Viiiiibrator Repair Service." Caller - "the what?" Dad - "This is Dick Phitzwell's Vibrator Repair Service, as of right now only the installation department is available."

It's not a joke really cause there's no funny punchline. The caller normally laughs and then carries on with the call.

Another one he likes, "What does an 80 year old woman taste like?


The other day we are at the beach. We're walking back to our vehicle and he's carrying his metal detector in his hands. Random beachgoer - "Did you find anything?" Dad - "No, unfortunately my battery went dead... just like my ex-wife's 'curling iron' under her pillow."

There's many many more. I'll have to catalog them in some form. Let me know if you'd like to hear the life and times of Dick Phitzwell.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rentz3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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"Sir..." [OC]

So I was at the 9/11 Memorial in NYC with my dad visiting for the first time. We were waiting in line to walk through the metal detectors, start to take the metal out of our pockets etc etc, and all of a sudden we hear the lady letting people through say to some guy already going through a detector with his jacket on (which wasn't supposed to be on) yell quite prodominately "Sir, jacket off!"

Dad promptly teared up and died of laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/IsntThisCreatve
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2014
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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies β€œI just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says β€œOkay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks β€œWhat movie were you watching?” The son replies β€œFinding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais β€œOkay, okay. We were watching porn”

Dad said β€œWhat?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says β€œWow. He certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

πŸ‘︎ 392
πŸ‘€︎ u/gavralex04
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
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Lie detector tests can be very


πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kwahn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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