I didn't realize my phone came with noface detection
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Llamalords101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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As a covid detection measure, the eyeglass place took my temperature before I could see the eye doctor.

Does anyone know how I can get it back?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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Why do detectives tend to scrutinize individuals with bluish eyes in cases of poisoning?

Because the real killer is usually cyan-eyed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/antirabbit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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what do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I’ve got a friend who is an electrician and a part-time detective

We call him Sherlock Ohms.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guineaa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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How did the detective figure out who the engineer murdered?

He found his locomotive.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiltebeest
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."

"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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A detective arrives

11.45 : arrived at crime scene

11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle

11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain

11.45 : Realised watch was broken

.

.

.

.

.

My son: but this is not a dad joke.

Me : what is a day joke then?

My son : when the joke becomes a(p)parent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?

An investi-gator

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faiz_Clan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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There was a family of chicken detectives...

They were called β€œthe clue clucks clan”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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Scientists have found a way to detect HIV using sound

They call the device hearing aids

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bondmemebond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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Why did the detective fail to solve the mystery?

He hasn’t got a clue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NormallyWierd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Detective Holmes: "Watson, what's taking so long in there?"

Watson (constipated): "No shit, Sherlock."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/misterrandom1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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What do you call a group of racist Irish detectives?

The Mac cleu cleus clan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/squatingonmars
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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What do you feel when your phone can't detect your bluetooth device ?

Des***pair***

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/subareid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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A detective was investigating a murder. He soon found that the murder weapon was the bag of the murderer and it had their name on it.

It was a briefcase

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wingwang100
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Why are distillery workers such good detectives?

They are always looking for more proof!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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There's a detective named Frederick Lee...

His teammate is an anthropomorphic pig who wore a hood like little red riding hood. The pig’s name was Boar-Hood. So this one time, I wanted them to check out a masked menace in New York City. Fred wanted to lead the investigation. But since the criminal’s mask was animal themed, I said to them, β€œFred Lee: nay. Boar-hood: spy the man”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megadecimal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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What do you get when you cross a mason and a detective?

Concrete evidence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agent256
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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"There's a 60% chance the killer shot the victim from this spot right here and a 40% chance he shot from over there", said the detective.

"This concludes my probaballistic report."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthlybird
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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What is a corrupt detective called?

A defective!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blind-folded
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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What will Quentin Tarantino be called if he gets detected with COVID-19?

Quarantino.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lievergent
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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2 Detectives are covering a case with a farmer

Detective 1: explain what happened please

Farmer: someone has been stealing my radishes for the past 2 months!

Detective 1: what do you think detective 2?

Detective 2: idk Beets me...

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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The detective bent over to study a clue just as an unknown projectile whizzed by

He sensed something amiss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/s7evenofspades
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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A store clerk fought off an armed robber with a labeling gun

Now police are looking for a man with a price on his head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fireseeker4him
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Detective Johnson and detective Smith were investigating a murder that occurred next to a playground. The only witnesses to the murder were four children, a brother age 3 and sister age 4, and a different brother (age 7) and sister (age 8).

The children all lived in a nearby apartment complex. The younger siblings lived in apartment 8D and the older ones lived in apartment 9D. Detective Johnson advised Detective Smith that she probably shouldn’t bother question 8D’s children about what they saw, since they’re too young to have a reliable memory. He believed that Smith would have a better chance of getting good information from the older children, since only 9D’s kids will remember.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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What do you call a reptilian detective that wears a sleeveless shirt that just can't let something go?

An InVESTed Gator

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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The police department made all homicide detectives stay under quarantine for two weeks.

>!They had coroner-virus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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Why do ducks make great detectives?

They always quack the case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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A comic series my friend is making about a mustachioed private detective, Jim Velvet and his bumbling partner Humphrey
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rezikmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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Detective at work

https://preview.redd.it/1v785xijzcg41.jpg?width=272&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=657f7c0b5d34023420c9b6a75ea11855b5990961

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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I'm color blind and the other day I thought I could actually detect purple...

...but it was just a pigment of my imagination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.

My friends all say it's naan-sense.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodybuzzes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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Why are detectives fascinated by female trees?

Because they’re all mysteries.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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What is an app which will detect roaches creeping on you?

Mobile developers - APProach

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/armourshield
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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Why was the tomato blushing?

He saw the salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers

Detective: Dear god

Officer: Yes most likely

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Connor0388
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone stole my toilet.

A detective came to the house, but he found nothing to go on.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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Did you hear about the police detective with the secret clamp collection?

He had a vice vise vice.

It helped him put the squeeze on suspects.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectMeat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSwedishNarwhal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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What do you call a constipated detective

No shit Sherlock

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πŸ‘€︎ u/epicgamer927
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 878
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peterd3d
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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What do you call a reptilian detective that wears sleeveless shirts and just can't let something go?

An InVestedGator

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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Within minutes, the detectives figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/naimz27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report

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