Looks like I have all my ducks in a row
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
My pal and I went to dissect insects in biology class. He looks down and says
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...
I said: “If you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
I answered the door today and a police officer said "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a car accident."
I replied "yeah, but at least she has a nice personality."
Look at that Dalmatian there in the distance!
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets
I put on a blindfold to see what I would look like in the mirror.
To be honest, I just don't see myself wearing it.
Jeff it looks like you’re in a ruff situation..
Pirate goes to doctor to have groin pain checked. Dr. looks down pirates pants and says, “you have a captain’s steering wheel in your pants.”
Pirate replied, “arghh, it’s driving me nuts”.
Two books meet in a Library. One says ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
... Just had my Appendix removed.
Why does Barbie look so young even though she was born in the fifties?
Before work I look in the mirror...
So my wife and I were singing the song “The farmer in the dell” to our daughter. My wife looks at me and asks “What’s a dell?”
To which I responded: a British pop singer
Then came the eye roll
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
A nurse looks in her pocket, and finds a rectal thermometer.
She says, in exasperation, “some arsehole’s got my pen.”
Good Morning!! Hot news coming in but before that let’s look at
My dad told me to look in the fridge and check out the milk that went bad
My husband: "Look at this mind-blowing machine I found in the bathroom!"
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7
My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
What does the cheese say when it looks in the mirror?
If you find gold in Australia, where do you look for silver?
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
A three legged dog walks in to a bar. He looks over at the bartender and says
“I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.”
A guy just flew straight at my ultralight in his jet and gave me an unpleasant look...
My wife insists that guys in camouflage look sexy.
Everywhere I look there’s another article about Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse caught up in the Coronavirus relief fund scandal.
Man, they’re really getting grilled!
When Danny Zuko looks back at his time in high school ...
Do you think he is sandymental ?
People who hate how they look in the mirror are seeing their own reflect-shun
What does a short lad need to look a tall lad in the eyes?
Driving down the road, listening to Disney songs. I look in my rear view mirror. My two-year-old is grooving. I ask her, "Aw, are you dancing?" And she replies,
In Despicable Me, why does Kyle always look so taken care of?
What does a window see when it looks in the mirror?
I keep getting funny looks when i insist on playing the first level in spanish.
Nobody expects the spanish intro mission
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
As one grows older, one has to look on the positive in situations. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs, and I thought to myself:
"That's the fastest I've moved in years!"
When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
Look there’s a stray cat in the road
What you look for in a woman?
A police officer pulls over a man out of suspicion of drug possession. The officer looks in the man’s trunk, only to find a bunch of cardboard boxes.
The police officer asks the man, “Sir, why do you have so many cardboard boxes in your trunk?” The man then replies, “I’m sorry officer, but I’m packing.”
Two books meet up in a Library. One says, ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
.. just had my Appendix removed.
A Girl takes a Pregnancy Test, then looks her Boyfriend dead in the eyes and says:
My wife told me that she thinks men in camouflage look sexy.
If you find gold in Australia where do you look for silver?
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