A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
What do you call two octopuses that look the same?
I started dating a girl that looks after bees
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
As a chemistry teacher, someone asked me during one of my labs if I look at memes.
Wonder how Gin Morrison would look like!
One look at medusa can get one rock hard
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
Juggling looks fun.
But I don't have the balls for it.
I married my wife for her looks
Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver ❤️
My Dad showed me a picture of him at a REM concert "Look" he said.
That's me in the corner...
EDIT. Sorry that was just a dream
So I brought my girlfriend home to meet my parents. She looks like my mum, sounds like my mum, even dresses like my mum..
What looks like red paint and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Dont hate me its cakeday
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
Who looks at the ceiling and cheers?
If good looks were a crime.....
I'd still be a law abiding citizen.
What do you call someone who looks just like you on a passing train?
I felt uncomfortable with my wife giving me dirty looks in public
So I had to ask her to clean her glasses
My wife got her beautiful looks from her father...
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because of all its problems
Looks like Earth & Mars are fighting again
Earth just told Mars to "get a life"
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Jesus Christ would you look at the time
Looks like I have all my ducks in a row
How does a baby look something up?
They "Goo Goo" it.
[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.
I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
Looks like the Democrats are going for a fruit-based strategy
They're going with either impeachment or impairment.
What actor looks the best in short?
I once finished runner-up in a Fidel Castro look-a-like contest.
Daddy, look! Those turtles are playing piggyback! Son, I was going to wait till you were older for this talk but...
Those are tortoises , not turtles.
I was sitting at a red light with my family, and I said "Look, son! A super hero!"
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
"Hey, look at that flock of cows!"
"Herd."
"What?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows, there's a flock of them right there!"
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
The graveyard looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get in
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.
Guess that's my New Year's Resolution
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
Fred: “Someone said that you look like an owl?” Meg: “Who?”
Fred: “You sound like one, too.”
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