Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts whenever I touch my face, knee and elbow." The doctor says,
"You've broken your hand."
π︎ 18
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
My friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldnβt afford the bill.
He really got a head of himself.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
I punched Santa in the face
He called my daughter a "ho". 3 times!!!
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 25 2020
My daughter wanted to clean her cardboard rocketship with her face cloth...
Trying to reduce the enormous amount of laundry associated with kids,
I said, "you don't need to clean your rocketship. It's not dirty. Space is a vacuum"....
I could hear my wife's eyes roll in the next room. Success!
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 20 2020
I once saw a woman punch a Mall Santa in the face.
But he did call her a "ho" like three times.
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 09 2020
Cant weigh to see their face
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.
I replied, βBecause I am feeling light headed.β
π︎ 16
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︎ Nov 08 2020
I saw a magistrate reading a novel, so I grabbed it and put it over his face.
He got very angry!!!
You shouldn't cover a judge by his book.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, βIf you cross this, Iβll hit you in the face.β
/r/Jokes/comments/jx9abu/β¦
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
My mathematician friend wants to get a tattoo of Pi on his face.
I said, βThatβs irrational.β
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
What does the invisible man have in the middle of his face?
π︎ 46
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
I gave my Dad a jigsaw made from a picture of his face.
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 13 2020
I was going to get a face tattoo but decided to get a neck tattoo instead.
I guess Iβll have to work my way up to it.
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 07 2020
I just saw a couple guys in white face act like they were caught in a trap and can't walk out.
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 21 2020
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
π︎ 10
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︎ Oct 12 2020
What did Donald Trumps bodyguard say just before someone sneezed in his face?
π︎ 42
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︎ Oct 03 2020
I'm starting a business in airports selling bags with the faces of Sid James, Hattie Jacques, Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey and Joan Sims on them.
It'll be called "Carry On Baggage".
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 05 2020
If you get hit in the face, the home treatment is to hold a raw steak against it to reduce swelling...
...it does more than meats the eye.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
Are you required to wear a face mask and wear glasses?
You may be eligible for condensation.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said βI like to bill them later.β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
What do you call a polar bear that faces North and a polar bear that faces South?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
A local supermarket was giving away 100% free face masks
But there were no strings attached.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
Pooh's face in the last panel tho
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Dec 28 2019
I lined up everybody I ever wanted to punch in the face
And this is what I call a punch line
π︎ 63
π
︎ Jul 04 2020
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: βUgh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.β
βThat was pepper spray.β
Got me!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
What do you call it when you sneeze inside your face mask?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
Studies have shown that sheepskin face masks are incredibly effective...
They keep the baahhhhhd germs out.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
Then I saw her face, now I'm
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 04 2020
Can people please stop making jokes about covering their faces?
It's all I masking you to do.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Aug 13 2020
They refused to hire the boat assassin to be the face of the company
They had a feeling he'd be a sails killer
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
I told my barista I didn't think he should be wearing a face mask. 'I'm not', he said,...
π︎ 171
π
︎ May 21 2020
My girlfriend grabbed a hand full of coins and slapped me in the face.
About time she slapped some cents into me.
π︎ 85
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
What do you call a nun with a face veil, on a plane.
A blessing in the skys (disguise)
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
I bought a covid face mask covered with random musical symbols...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
Dad: Whatβs the best way to affix a mask to your face? Me: I donβt know.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
I bad to punch the mall Santa in the face...
He called my daughter a 'ho'! 3 times!!!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
I came out of the bathroom with a sad look on my face and turned to my wife
"I guess my dad was right after all"
...
"I am full of shit"
π︎ 9
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︎ Aug 21 2020
I know people put mud on their faces for various benefits but I saw a sign the other day that said sewage treatment works
But trust me, it doesnβt
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 09 2020
My self-centered friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn't afford the bill.
He really got a head of himself.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
π︎ 3k
π
︎ May 19 2020
Why does your nose grow in the middle of your face?
Because itβs the scenter
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
It's not a face mask son....
π︎ 15
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
Are you currently wearing a face mask and glasses to work?
You may be eligible for condensation.
π︎ 87
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
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