Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".

That was the punchline

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neo-1000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts whenever I touch my face, knee and elbow." The doctor says,

"You've broken your hand."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn’t afford the bill.

He really got a head of himself.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I punched Santa in the face

He called my daughter a "ho". 3 times!!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDrew007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter wanted to clean her cardboard rocketship with her face cloth...

Trying to reduce the enormous amount of laundry associated with kids,

I said, "you don't need to clean your rocketship. It's not dirty. Space is a vacuum"....

I could hear my wife's eyes roll in the next room. Success!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tren898
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I once saw a woman punch a Mall Santa in the face.

But he did call her a "ho" like three times.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Picker-Rick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Cant weigh to see their face
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prabeshdai13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.

I replied, β€œBecause I am feeling light headed.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a magistrate reading a novel, so I grabbed it and put it over his face.

He got very angry!!! You shouldn't cover a judge by his book.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, β€œIf you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.” /r/Jokes/comments/jx9abu/…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goldendarren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My mathematician friend wants to get a tattoo of Pi on his face.

I said, β€œThat’s irrational.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the invisible man have in the middle of his face?

Nobody nose

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatentGeek
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave my Dad a jigsaw made from a picture of his face.

He looked puzzled.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I just saw a couple guys in white face act like they were caught in a trap and can't walk out.

Suspicious mimes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuriouslySentient
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to get a face tattoo but decided to get a neck tattoo instead.

I guess I’ll have to work my way up to it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnjm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...

It was stolen from right under my nose.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ramzert
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What did Donald Trumps bodyguard say just before someone sneezed in his face?

Donald Duck!

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WeezyWally
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm starting a business in airports selling bags with the faces of Sid James, Hattie Jacques, Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey and Joan Sims on them.

It'll be called "Carry On Baggage".

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icebucketwood
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If you get hit in the face, the home treatment is to hold a raw steak against it to reduce swelling...

...it does more than meats the eye.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Are you required to wear a face mask and wear glasses?

You may be eligible for condensation.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bokb3o
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.

I asked about it once and he said β€œI like to bill them later.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yumi_arizona
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a polar bear that faces North and a polar bear that faces South?

Polar Opposites.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xoriatis71
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A local supermarket was giving away 100% free face masks

But there were no strings attached.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Pooh's face in the last panel tho
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JouleJawbone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I lined up everybody I ever wanted to punch in the face

And this is what I call a punch line

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pink-team-leader
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My 6yo holds a slice of red pepper up to my face and breaks it towards me. Me: β€œUgh, what did you do that for. You got me all wet.”

β€œThat was pepper spray.”

Got me!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorescittmore
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you sneeze inside your face mask?

Boogie boarding

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huh_phd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Studies have shown that sheepskin face masks are incredibly effective...

They keep the baahhhhhd germs out.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jessmacdee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Then I saw her face, now I'm
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daypasser
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Can people please stop making jokes about covering their faces?

It's all I masking you to do.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bazzer239
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
They refused to hire the boat assassin to be the face of the company

They had a feeling he'd be a sails killer

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trevhaar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my barista I didn't think he should be wearing a face mask. 'I'm not', he said,...

'it's a coughy filter.'

πŸ‘︎ 176
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mish106
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend grabbed a hand full of coins and slapped me in the face.

About time she slapped some cents into me.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pollyparkinson
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a nun with a face veil, on a plane.

A blessing in the skys (disguise)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sikarknight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a covid face mask covered with random musical symbols...

It’s very noteworthy.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: What’s the best way to affix a mask to your face? Me: I don’t know.

Dad: Masking tape.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FolksyDrop97879
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I bad to punch the mall Santa in the face...

He called my daughter a 'ho'! 3 times!!!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDrew007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I came out of the bathroom with a sad look on my face and turned to my wife

"I guess my dad was right after all"

...

"I am full of shit"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mullattobutt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I know people put mud on their faces for various benefits but I saw a sign the other day that said sewage treatment works

But trust me, it doesn’t

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nymphomanius
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My self-centered friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn't afford the bill.

He really got a head of himself.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?

Because it's the scenter

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does your nose grow in the middle of your face?

Because it’s the scenter

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
It's not a face mask son....

It's a coughy filter

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamsobol
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Are you currently wearing a face mask and glasses to work?

You may be eligible for condensation.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crackmytoes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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