Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..

You keeled my father. Prepare two die.

*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?

^(What a freaking professional)

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/calvinweight
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?

PurΓ©e!!!

(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronGaben
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
My roomba went out my front door and a pack of bears attacked it, an eagle carried it away to the ocean, and a shark finished it off.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dingogordy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
"Honey, who might bee at the front door?"
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when you run in front of a bus?

You get tired.

What happens when you run behind a bus?

You get exhausted.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Petty_Dick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
My wife Debbie announced our divorce in front of a crowd of 100 people.

It was Deb-a-stating

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unwilling_pizza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
Doctor: "How strange, your DNA is back to front."

Me: "AND!!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.

The friend says "hey, is he yours?"

The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."

His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"

"No. I think he speaks porch geese."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
How do you get an art history major off your front porch ?

Pay for the pizza πŸ•.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
🚨︎ report
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"

I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Person in front of me ordering coffee asked "can I have a large house?"

And I said "not without a large mortgage"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dad_2_the_bone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I would get into trouble as a kid, if I swore in front of an adult.

Now as an adult, I get into trouble for swearing in front of a kid.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
If Emily gets depantsed in front of her friends...

She’s em-bare-assed on 2 levels

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RotaryPhoneDialer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.

I walked into a chilly reception.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IlltimedYOLO
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Found a way to stop my dog from barking in the front garden....

I put it in the back garden.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Written on the side of a hearse in front of a hair salon...

Will Curl Up And Dye For You

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
There is a couple, that always waits in front of orphanages before they open.

They're better known as the early adopters.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/starfoolGER
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My Roomba accidentally went outside our front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A β€˜divine’ healer in his β€˜miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."

With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"

John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"

John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbor spent all day laying sod in his front garden, then last night, someone stole it!

He’s outside now, looking forlorn…

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??

Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pardon_the_panj
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didn’t laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...

It must have been the delivery...

πŸ‘︎ 201
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning, I wake up to find someone has dumped a box of play doh in front of my door.

I don’t know what to make of it.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My son has a teacher who never farts in front of the class

She’s a private tooter

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do impostors do In front of therapists?

They vent.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Artisticspawm
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard

I’m not a huge fan of the bark

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twirly_Wang
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I came home to find out that one of my kids tore both the front and the back pages of our dictionary.

Things just went from bad to worse.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was singer waiting at the front door?

He didn't have the right key and didn't know when to come in

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I think the front of my foot has gone dead-asleep.

Now they are a bunch of coma-toes.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SteadyingRuck
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I needed to get some silverware for dinner and my wife was standing in front of the drawer. So I sang this to her:

🎢"Give me three forks,

Give me three forks sweetie,

Give me three forks from the drawer.

Give me three forks,

Give me three forks baby,

And I won't ask you for four." 🎡

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Reefay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I am having a really bad day, somebody ripped the front and back pages out of my dictionary.

It just goes from Bad to Worse!

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crowkiller06
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't Stand in front of a running car!

You'll get Tired!

Don't stand behind them either!

You'll get exhausted!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I only have a knocker on my front door

Hoping for the No Bell prize!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eothred
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
If you run in front of a car

You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/meelatalha
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A man who runs in front of a car gets tired,

a man who runs behind a car gets exhausted.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Laroel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/b6a6a6l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A chef is in his living room, and someone knocks on his front door...

...he yells, "the door's open! Cumin in!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skubz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My cell signal always drops when I work the front desk at work and I can't get calls.

Bad reception.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/melmia88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to my parents house for dinner and when I walked through the front door my mom asks,"Are you hungry?"

So I told Her,"No.I'm half German and half Irish."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: "Your DNA is back to front."

Me: "AND!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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