My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
The guy in front of me at 7-11 left his Breathsavers on the counter.
The cashier said I could have them, but I have abandoned mint issues.
I just carved a smiley face on the maple out front...
But enough pleasant trees.
A baseball player was shopping at the dairy while in a bad mood. He'd played in a home run derby yesterday; though he got more runs than anyone else, another player was awarded the trophy. While in line at the register, the lady in front of him was short on cash. He decided to do a good deed, so...
The bitter, better-batter bought her butter!
Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..
You keeled my father. Prepare two die.
*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?
^(What a freaking professional)
I was part of a class and i total , we were 100 students. I walked up to the front of the class , and wrote :"balloons" on the white board. So...
The other 99 read balloons.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.
The friend says "hey, is he yours?"
The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."
His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"
"No. I think he speaks porch geese."
Written on the side of a hearse in front of a hair salon...
Will Curl Up And Dye For You
Cutting in front of a Volkswagen on the highway
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20
Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know”
Why do the words on the front cover of a book lord it over the words on the back cover so much?
They have a strong sense of entitlement.
Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side.
I mean, imagine all the peepholes.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’m fallen on some hard Times.
Just finished reading "All Quiet On The Western Front"
That book is really remarqueable.
During my trip to Madrid I was staying at this small motel when I grew pretty ill. Thankfully the people at the front desk sent the on call doctor over and he was able to fix me up real quick. I told him I didn't expect such a small place to have such a good doctor, to which he told me
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...
He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.
Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.
As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.
A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.
When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,
“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”
“It’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”
Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.
“Ya see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"
The teacher called me out in front of the whole class for cheating on the final and took away my A+.
The door knob on my front door is two feet off the ground
Ya know, I saw superhero on the street once, he was in line for a hotdog, read this guys mind and saw that his head was in the clouds, and he just pushed in front of him!
If you ask me, that was pretty telepathetic of him.
I was in a KFC in Prague, standing in line waiting to order my lunch when I noticed the beautiful girl wearing a black and white tiled apron who was giving the man in front of me a bucket of Buffalo wings..and then it dawned on me.
I was checking out a chequered Czech check-out chick who was checking out some chicken at the checkout.
Walking by a clothing store, my wife says, “I would like to try on the swimsuit in the front window.”
Me: I think you have to use the dressing room like everyone else.
I told the "apparent" joke on the front page to my manager
He asked if I had a book of dumbass jokes.
"No, just Reddit."
"Yeah, out of a book?"
You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round!
In the summer, I earn money by sprinkling tiny drops of water every morning on the front yards of rich people.
I don’t earn much, but I make dew.
I was looking through the cards in the supermarket. One said on the front: "Thank You For Being A Role Model Dad."
How cute is that? So I slipped it into my pocket and took it home to show my kids.
I was taking my kids trick or treating along a dark country road, on a moonless Halloween night, when all of a sudden, a vampire swooped down from the darkness and landed right in front of us!
My daughter shrieked,"Quick dad, show him your cross!"
Without a second thought, I shouted, "YOU LEAVE US ALONE YOU BIG MEAN OLD VAMPIRE!!"
This morning our bus driver accidentally spilled some hot coffee on himself, swerved across four lanes, and then complained about ruining the front of his pants.
Asshole. He should have seen the back of mine.
"DELETER OF THE FREE WORLD" - New York Post front page on the Hillary email scandal
imgur.com/0BNIPzn
Hey dad, there's an unpaid parking ticket next to you on the front seat
Texted my family a post on the front page and my dad shot back with this. Should have seen it coming
I got on the front page of Reddit!!!
You just go to reddit.com and it takes you right there.
WW1 generals on the western front were really stubborn.
One could say they were entrenched in their ineffective tactics.
For two days in a row, I slipped on the frozen newspaper in front of my doorstep on my way out to work.
I seem to have fallen on hard Times.
Do ISIS fighters on the front lines head back to a mess tent for their dinner like other military forces?
... Or when they're feeling peckish do they just hit up the Allahu Snackbar?
I found a german sports car on my front terrace the other day.
It was a Porsche' on my porch.
The front of an FDA guide on marijuana
FDA Regulation of Marijuana:
Past Actions, Future Plans
Douglas C. Throckmorton, M.D.
Food and Drug Administration (FDA)
ICSB/ASP Joint Meeting
April 12, 2016
A Joint meeting on marijuana...
The woman getting on the train in front of me lost her shoe onto the track as she clumsily clambered aboard. I asked her how she was...
She told me it was sole destroying
There's a wash basin with a faucet on your front porch ringing the bell...
What do you call a group of comedians standing on the front of a cruise ship?
My neighbor is renovating his kitchen and keeps leaving huge delivered packages on his front lawn. The latest is a huge basin on a pallet and It. Is. An eyesore.
Let that sink in.
Happy Father's Day!
What did the assailant say right before stabbing a group of comedians gathered on the front of a cruise ship?
Watch me cut this deck of cards.
A [grand]dad joke I saw on the front page this morning.
Just talked to my dad about the gif on the front page of the cop tackling the gunman and his hostage
i said "yeah the cop was on the roof and tackled the guy, it seemed intense." My dad says "it wasn't outside?" I said "uh...well yeah he was on a roof and jumped down." He says back "but I thought you said it was in tents?" I let out the biggest groan as he starts giggling like a school girl
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side?
I mean, imagine all the peepholes!
All quiet on the western front...
We were walking past a lingerie store, and my wife said, “I want to try on the bra in the front window.”
I said, “I think you might have to use the dressing room like everyone else.”
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