A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..
You keeled my father. Prepare two die.
*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?
^(What a freaking professional)
There’s two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking it’s junk
One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.
The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?
Purée!!!
(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)
My roomba went out my front door and a pack of bears attacked it, an eagle carried it away to the ocean, and a shark finished it off.
My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it.
I was at a hotel and asked the front desk to switch my pillow out with one filled with feathers...
"Honey, who might bee at the front door?"
I was cold and hungry, so I put my feet in front of the heater
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
My wife Debbie announced our divorce in front of a crowd of 100 people.
Doctor: "How strange, your DNA is back to front."
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.
The friend says "hey, is he yours?"
The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."
His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"
"No. I think he speaks porch geese."
I am trying to figure out whether that fuel tanker in front of me is full or not.
Your gas is as good as mine.
How do you get an art history major off your front porch ?
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"
I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?
Person in front of me ordering coffee asked "can I have a large house?"
And I said "not without a large mortgage"
I would get into trouble as a kid, if I swore in front of an adult.
Now as an adult, I get into trouble for swearing in front of a kid.
If Emily gets depantsed in front of her friends...
She’s em-bare-assed on 2 levels
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.
I walked into a chilly reception.
Found a way to stop my dog from barking in the front garden....
I put it in the back garden.
There is a couple, that always waits in front of orphanages before they open.
They're better known as the early adopters.
Written on the side of a hearse in front of a hair salon...
Will Curl Up And Dye For You
A ‘divine’ healer in his ‘miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."
With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"
John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"
John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."
My neighbor spent all day laying sod in his front garden, then last night, someone stole it!
He’s outside now, looking forlorn…
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didn’t laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...
It must have been the delivery...
Every morning, I wake up to find someone has dumped a box of play doh in front of my door.
I don’t know what to make of it.
My son has a teacher who never farts in front of the class
What do impostors do In front of therapists?
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard
I’m not a huge fan of the bark
I came home to find out that one of my kids tore both the front and the back pages of our dictionary.
Things just went from bad to worse.
Why was singer waiting at the front door?
He didn't have the right key and didn't know when to come in
I think the front of my foot has gone dead-asleep.
Now they are a bunch of coma-toes.
I am having a really bad day, somebody ripped the front and back pages out of my dictionary.
It just goes from Bad to Worse!
I needed to get some silverware for dinner and my wife was standing in front of the drawer. So I sang this to her:
🎶"Give me three forks,
Give me three forks sweetie,
Give me three forks from the drawer.
Give me three forks,
Give me three forks baby,
And I won't ask you for four." 🎵
Don't Stand in front of a running car!
You'll get Tired!
Don't stand behind them either!
You'll get exhausted!
I only have a knocker on my front door
Hoping for the No Bell prize!
[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
A man who runs in front of a car gets tired,
a man who runs behind a car gets exhausted.
Doctor: "Your DNA is back to front."
My Roomba accidentally went outside our front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted
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