[during tonight's Minnesota Wild/Chicago Blackhawks game]
Me: "Hey, do you want to hear a hockey joke?"
Eldest sister: "No."
Me: "OK. Just checking."
Your turn! Make me cringe! :D
We were driving home the other day from a weekend of camping. Almost the entire drive home is through back roads and Country Roads and little towns... when we one of the many farms we drove by , there was a little river running through the farm and at least 50 cows lying down sunning themselves along the edge of the river.
I turned to my wife and exclaimed " that's a lot of ground beef!"
So we were driving downtown and there was a manikin standing in front of a second hand clothing store with a "50% off" sign around its neck.
"She's not wearing any pants!" said my wife.
"Well it says right on the sign there's half off today..."
A facepalm and audible groan ensued. I may not be a dad yet but I'm going to be ready.
Was closing at the restaurant I worked at, when someone started breaking down the iced tea station. While checking if any tables were drinking it, she asked "Tim, do you need tea?"
Before he could respond, I said "of course he does. Without it, he'd be Im.
Disclaimer: Told by a non-father
American Woman comes on radio
"Guess who plays this song..."
car passengers start to guess the band
"No, Guess Who (the band) plays this song"
I walked in and my wife and her brother were talking about the Scottish referendum to leave the UK. Brother-in-law asked what I think. I said there is no chance they get away Scot-free.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdqbLmdKgw4#t=26
I think it's a defence mechanism.
Dammit autocorrect!
I said we need to invest in CLOUD based IT infrastructure!
Hi, leaving r/dadjokes, I'm dad.
He was picking his nose.
Because they have little anty-bodies.
Edit: THANK YOU!! Kind stranger whoever you are out there, for the silver!! Just trying to keep the kids facepalming and the wives eye rolling. You guys are awesome!
Kid: Look Dad it's Robin!
Me: What's he robbing 🤨
Kid: facepalm 🤣
Told my wife that every time I cook rice I get separation anxiety.
She facepalmed and sighed and at that moment I thought this might be a worthy contribution to the subreddit.
Everywhere else it has stripes.
She still isn't talking to me
Backstory: Family friend has a new job, he's an Undertaker. He was in hospital because of a serious lung infection.
Dad: 'By the way [family friend] is an Undertaker now'.
Me: 'what!? Of all jobs I would have never have guessed that'.
Dad: 'yeh it surprised me too, he was in hospital not too long ago and was in a bad way'.
Step mother: 'yeh he had something with his lungs, an infection I think like pneumonia, almost killed him' .
Dad: 'doesn't surprise me though with him being in hospital, probably because of all that coffin'.
Dad: starts giggling to himself.
Me: 'really?...'.
Dad: 'what? I thought that was quite good'.
He has his moments.
an artificial Swedener
Today my wife was making oatmeal cookies, and was getting rolled oats out of the cupboard. I adamantly told her to STOP and she can't use them yet. Grabbing them, I proceeded to walk across the kitchen, and roll them across the floor. "There. NOW you have rolled oats," I say. Only to receive a facepalm and to be told to get out of the kitchen...
Hopefully someone catches it.
I guess it must be sprocket science
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
A fungi
I told my wife:
There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!"
This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.
To all the dads out there; may your dad jokes grow prosper, make your children facepalm, and cause your partner want to pull your hair out
Such a blast from the past
Me: "I know a guy that talks like an owl"
Son: "Who?" pause.... then....facepalm!
A facepalm.
In the spaghetto.
everyone is facepalming
... Spaget it?
- My dad yesterday evening.
Sign language.
...and tables, and chairs, and people.
Because they were born with Trust Issues..
(facepalm)
I know.. I know.. IT Nerd DadJoke...
I'll see my way out and go back into the server room where I belong..
Her: can you check the dryer
Me: yep! It’s a dryer!
Her: (facepalm emoji)
Me a few minutes later: I checked again. It’s still a dryer
Her: (eye roll emoji)
They facePALM
Haha, just choking! Haha, just choking!
