[during tonight's Minnesota Wild/Chicago Blackhawks game]
Me: "Hey, do you want to hear a hockey joke?"
Eldest sister: "No."
Me: "OK. Just checking."
Your turn! Make me cringe! :D
We were driving home the other day from a weekend of camping. Almost the entire drive home is through back roads and Country Roads and little towns... when we one of the many farms we drove by , there was a little river running through the farm and at least 50 cows lying down sunning themselves along the edge of the river.
I turned to my wife and exclaimed " that's a lot of ground beef!"
So we were driving downtown and there was a manikin standing in front of a second hand clothing store with a "50% off" sign around its neck.
"She's not wearing any pants!" said my wife.
"Well it says right on the sign there's half off today..."
A facepalm and audible groan ensued. I may not be a dad yet but I'm going to be ready.
Was closing at the restaurant I worked at, when someone started breaking down the iced tea station. While checking if any tables were drinking it, she asked "Tim, do you need tea?"
Before he could respond, I said "of course he does. Without it, he'd be Im.
Disclaimer: Told by a non-father
American Woman comes on radio
"Guess who plays this song..."
car passengers start to guess the band
"No, Guess Who (the band) plays this song"
I walked in and my wife and her brother were talking about the Scottish referendum to leave the UK. Brother-in-law asked what I think. I said there is no chance they get away Scot-free.
Son: Dad there's a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it? Plz hurry because I'm going to cry. Dad? DAD?
Dad: Dad is dead. You're next. Love, moth.
NOTE
This is taken from a screenshot of a text message that I found online. ( NOT on Reddit)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdqbLmdKgw4#t=26
Hi, leaving r/dadjokes, I'm dad.
He was picking his nose.
Because they have little anty-bodies.
Edit: THANK YOU!! Kind stranger whoever you are out there, for the silver!! Just trying to keep the kids facepalming and the wives eye rolling. You guys are awesome!
Told my wife that every time I cook rice I get separation anxiety.
She facepalmed and sighed and at that moment I thought this might be a worthy contribution to the subreddit.
Dammit autocorrect!
I said we need to invest in CLOUD based IT infrastructure!
Everywhere else it has stripes.
She still isn't talking to me
Today my wife was making oatmeal cookies, and was getting rolled oats out of the cupboard. I adamantly told her to STOP and she can't use them yet. Grabbing them, I proceeded to walk across the kitchen, and roll them across the floor. "There. NOW you have rolled oats," I say. Only to receive a facepalm and to be told to get out of the kitchen...
Backstory: Family friend has a new job, he's an Undertaker. He was in hospital because of a serious lung infection.
Dad: 'By the way [family friend] is an Undertaker now'.
Me: 'what!? Of all jobs I would have never have guessed that'.
Dad: 'yeh it surprised me too, he was in hospital not too long ago and was in a bad way'.
Step mother: 'yeh he had something with his lungs, an infection I think like pneumonia, almost killed him' .
Dad: 'doesn't surprise me though with him being in hospital, probably because of all that coffin'.
Dad: starts giggling to himself.
Me: 'really?...'.
Dad: 'what? I thought that was quite good'.
He has his moments.
Hopefully someone catches it.
I guess it must be sprocket science
an artificial Swedener
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
To all the dads out there; may your dad jokes grow prosper, make your children facepalm, and cause your partner want to pull your hair out
A fungi
I told my wife:
There's the captain water, and the crewmember water. The captain water says: "All right crewmembers, do you know where you have to go?" The crewmember water replies: "Eye eye, sir!"
This earned me a proper facepalm from my wife which I shall wear proudly as a badge of honor and now share here with you.
A facepalm.
Such a blast from the past
Because they were born with Trust Issues..
(facepalm)
I know.. I know.. IT Nerd DadJoke...
I'll see my way out and go back into the server room where I belong..
They facePALM
...and tables, and chairs, and people.
Her: can you check the dryer
Me: yep! It’s a dryer!
Her: (facepalm emoji)
Me a few minutes later: I checked again. It’s still a dryer
Her: (eye roll emoji)
Sign language.
Me: "I know a guy that talks like an owl"
Son: "Who?" pause.... then....facepalm!
Haha, just choking! Haha, just choking!
In the spaghetto.
everyone is facepalming
... Spaget it?
- My dad yesterday evening.
