A reporter interviewed a 103-year old woman: βAnd what is the best thing about being 103?β the reporter asked.
The woman simply replied, βNo peer pressure.β
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︎ Feb 12 2021
I've just won an award for being the most secretive person of the year.
I can't tell you how proud that makes me.
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︎ Apr 06 2021
Being the new guy can suck
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︎ Jan 25 2021
I learned something new about cemeteries; the people in its town aren't the ones being buried there. Do you know why?
It's because they're still alive.
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︎ Apr 03 2021
Someone likes being the center of attention.
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︎ Mar 23 2021
Despite being tiny, the Republic of Ireland has the capital city with the highest population growth in the world...
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︎ Mar 25 2021
Day being the MANager
Someone called asking if an Amanda works here. Sorry no Amanda works here.
But a man does work here.
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Despite being an electrical engineer, my son couldn't fix the circuit
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︎ Feb 11 2021
What's the best thing about being a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.
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︎ Mar 15 2021
Iβve been watching the John Wayne Gacy documentary series on Peacock. Really creepy and fascinating. Surprisingly, despite being a cannibal murderer, he was a stickler for etiquette.
Anyone who arrived late to one of his dinner parties received a cold shoulder.
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︎ Apr 07 2021
My friend makes a living off of being the sound of a clock.
Her actual words were, "I'm a tiktoker," but I knew what she meant.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
A little known fact was that Bruce Lee came very close to being the spokesman for Burger King.
He really loved the whap-pa!
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︎ Mar 28 2021
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
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︎ Oct 04 2020
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
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︎ Feb 12 2021
If the process of decaffeinating coffee beans means being doused in formaldehyde...
Does that make them Coffinated?
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︎ Jan 24 2021
What's the best part about being a guitarist?
Knowing your way around the G string.
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︎ Dec 12 2020
Why is being a sleep analyst considered one of the toughest jobs in the market?
You work with your eyes closed
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
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︎ Feb 11 2021
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.
That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
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︎ Apr 25 2020
Imagine the waters being filled with orange flavoured soda
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︎ Jan 19 2021
The police arrested me for being a helium balloon.
They held me for a while but eventually let me go.
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︎ Jan 22 2021
A man is being taken to the gallows for his execution. The executioner asked if he had any last requests, and he asked for a high five.
The executioner left him hanging.
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︎ Oct 15 2020
I'm going to share with you the greatest secret for always being on time
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Hippie gets 3 months late on rent...So the landlord knocks on his door to let him know heβs being evicted
He opens the door and tells him βNamasteβ.
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︎ Dec 25 2020
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Im tired of being misunderstood and Iβm going to get straight to the point!
Iβm drawing a line in the sand.
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︎ Jan 16 2021
THE XBOX IS BEING ATTACKED!
THE XBOX IS BEING ATTACKED! Here Comes The Ambulance Wii U Wii U Wii U
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︎ Nov 21 2020
What's the secret to being Santa Claus?
You either have the gift or you don't.
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Did you know being a minute is the most dangerous job on the planet?
Because every 60 seconds, a minute passes
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︎ Oct 04 2020
What did the carpenter say as they were being arrested?
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︎ Oct 31 2020
The most underrated part of being a cowboy...
...is having a stable income.
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︎ Nov 30 2020
The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.
Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.
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︎ Nov 10 2020
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
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︎ Nov 10 2020
Whatβs the worst thing about being an egg?
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︎ Sep 03 2020
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband the following text...
βIf you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!β The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... βI am on the toilet. Please advise.β
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︎ Sep 03 2020
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked.
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︎ Sep 21 2020
What is the worst part about being a letter carrier in the middle ages?
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︎ Oct 23 2020
Why did the city support the music hall being repurposed as a shopping mall?
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︎ Sep 22 2020
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
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︎ May 31 2020
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
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︎ Nov 15 2020
Why did the ear itchiness keep coming back after being scratched?
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︎ Oct 14 2020
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said β sir Iβm going to have to put you under arrest.β The guy then said
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︎ Nov 05 2020
The best anti aging cream is being antisocial...
Without friends, nobody tells you happy birthday...
Without birthdays, you're not getting older!
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︎ Nov 14 2020
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