Warning: Don't sleep beneath someone sleeping in a hammock...

...or you'll be under a rest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BonetoneJJ
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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I was lying beneath a tree pondering gravity, when suddenly an apple came tumbling down

. . . and then it struck me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/l94xxx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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It’s easy to be the best tavern beneath sea level...

...that’s a really low bar.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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How do the monsters that hide beneath bridges get to work?...

...They ride the Troll-ey.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boop66
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.

Now I'm a werehouse.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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The police have finally caught the criminal who was hiding beneath blankets all the time.

It was an undercover operation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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My legs are beneath me.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidus_somniorum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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Why is it so hard to see a police officer standing beneath an awning?

Because he's under-cover!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmperorAnzi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
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I told my son he should tuck a ruler beneath his pillow...

It's good to know how long you sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeopoldLoeb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
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There was a man outside on a clear day hanging out beneath a screen door

It was his sun-screen

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Siethron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I hate trying to please miners.

They're so picky!

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/desireewhitehall
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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My girlfriend told me, β€œI don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”

I said, β€œFloors are beneath me.”

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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I Prefer Not To Trim My Toenails.

It's not because I think it's beneath me.

It's not because I wouldn't stoop that low.

It's because I consider it to be a waste of my talons.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jagdpanzer_magill
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?

Because they keep calling it a dipship

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fat-bandit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What does the Kings page wear?

Mail armor

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HakunaTraumata
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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If you're in a plane above LA...

What happens if you are in a plane above Los Angeles, and when you look out the window there are no clouds beneath you?U C L A

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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My dad never slept on the floor.

It was beneath him to do so.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brawl_nOyOu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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I hired a carpenter, but she'll only work on the walls, ceiling joists, doorframes, and windows.

Apparently floors are beneath her.

πŸ‘︎ 423
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemo_sum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
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Mountain climbers are so arrogant...

...They think the whole world is beneath them.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2016
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My wife growled accusingly, β€œI’ve never seen you sweep or use the vacuum in my life!”

I retorted, β€œFloors are beneath me!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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My gf asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.

I said that gummy worms are beneath me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnapshotHeadache
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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I really dislike people that always grab the bottom bunk..

I just really think they’re beneath me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/No7Jacket
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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On Copiers

I work at a school with many buildings. I was in the second floor of a building in the teachers' lounge and two other teachers were talking about how the photocopier in that room sucks. One mentioned that she's only ever going to use the one downstairs. The other teacher said that he refused to use that one. When the first asked him why I couldn't help but say, "Because it's beneath him."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pats420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do Christmas Trees prefer the past?

Because present is beneath them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jp0202
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
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My dad asked me if I wanted a Hertz donut...

Back in the 90s, I remember playing some N64 after school when my dad came home from work. He comes into the living room and asks me what's up and, as a teen, I say "nuthin" and keep playing while he just stands there. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see he's looking at me with a stupid grin on his face that's he's trying to suppress poorly. Finally, he asks me to pause the game. I turn to him and he asks "You want a Hertz donut?" I obviously know this joke, but to make it worse, he's already making a fist, ready at his side. I roll my eyes and say "No, I do not want a Hertz donut." He just relaxes his hand and says surprised "Oh, you don't? You sure?" I say I'm sure and he says okay and walks back out to his car, leaving me to return to my GoldenEye. A few seconds later, he comes strolling back in the room, with a box of a dozen donuts in his hand, while he's eating one, with the same stupid grin on his face. On the box of donuts, "Dunkin" has been crudely crossed out and Hertz written beneath it in Sharpie marker. He walks into the kitchen saying "Guess you won't be having these Hertz donuts!" I'm in awe. I follow him into the kitchen and he finally relents and lets me take a donut. I ask him "So, you bought these donuts, and just put this joke together on the way home?" He says he thought of the joke earlier in the day at work and had to buy the donuts for the bit. I start laughing hysterically thinking about him sitting at work itching to leave to pull this off. As we sit there, quietly eating these donuts, he breaks the silence with a mouth full of donut, with "Had to stop at CVS to pick up a Sharpie too." I almost choked on the donut jimmies.

TLDR: Dad offered a Hertz donut, should've taken him up on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PriestPorridge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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Dad told this joke to my brother and I, our parents have been divorced 10 years. Bro didn't appreciate it

'Here right, I was walking home from the pub last weekend and you know what I'm like when I'm drunk, singing to myself and stumbling all over the place haha. So I walked up the back road, yano the one with trees and bushes on either side of the road and I was singing away, loving life.

Then all of a sudden this figure dressed in black appeared, I couldn't really make out what it was. I got a bit closer and it ran at me, now you know I'm a hard man but it scared the life out of me! This weird looking man looked up from beneath a dark cloak thing and said 'I AM THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS' so dad goes 'awk for fuck sake, why didn't you say. I'm Marty, I married your sister.''

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Porridgeandpeas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2015
🚨︎ report
The tale of Ivan Ivanavich (Long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day, Ivan decided it was time to travel to the United States to try and have a better life and miraculously he managed to get aboard a ship to the States. Now his journey on this ship was miserable, he was down in the bowels of the ship, which was flooded with rats and feces, but he hunkered down and gave it his all to survive this terrible journey. finally, one day he hears commotion above, they had arrived at last. Ivan walks up to the topside of the old ship and sees the New York Harbor. He stands there amazed seeing such a beautiful sight. Ivan starts his life in New York but he doesn't have a significantly better life than the one he left behind. Nobody is interested in hiring immigrants but eventually he lands himself a gig of selling old newspapers. He would go through garbage cans to find old papers and would sell them to people in the poorer part of town. He makes slightly more spare change, but not really enough to live a better life. In his spare time, which he had plenty, he decides to start free diving in the bay. He goes there each day, and started to get really good at it. One day, an owner of a Circus spots him diving and is amazed at how good he is. He decides to offer Ivan a job at his circus doing performance diving. Ivan eagerly accepts and begins his career as a circus member performing amazing high jumps into really small containers of water. After a few months of doing this he suggests to the owner one amazing jump to wow everyone and put his circus on top of the entertainment world. The owner contemplates this and eventually agrees. He rents a ship much like the one Ivan arrived in and placed the smallest container yet. The radio and tv crews, journalist all arrive to spectate the event of a lifetime. The hour arrives and Ivan begins his climb up a massive lighthouse on the edge of the cliff, and the ship is positioned into place beneath him. Ivan is very nervous but decides it's go time, and jumps from the massive lighthouse. As Ivan falls, he takes perfect form heading straight towards his target. As he dives a sudden wave pushes the ship ever slightly throwing off the careful alignment. Ivan hits the deck and goes straight through the top of the ship. The spectato

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entophreak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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Dad Joke From One Dad To Another

I'm a dad, and I told my dad this, so I think it counts. It got a lot of groans, so I think it's great, if a bit long.


I once lived near a small, simple town where there lived named Hugh.

Hugh was a very smart man stricken with a series of personal tragedies earlier in his life. As a result, he moved to this small town and took a job in his local florist shop, relaxing the days away arranging flowers and trying not to think of times past. Hugh grew to love working there.

One day, a disaster struck the town. A small, single engine airplane crashed a block from Hugh's shop, killing those on the plane and setting fire to several buildings, both occupied and empty.

The impact ruptured a gas line, which ultimately exploded, creating a shock wave that caused part of the building next to the florist shop to collapse and trap several of Hugh's customers and co-workers inside. The situation was desperate, as the shop would be burned to the ground at any moment.

Acting quickly, Hugh located the gas main, shutting it down. Next, Hugh noticed a water storage tank nearby, and opened a release valve that suffocated the fire before it reached his beloved shop.

With the fire out, and the florist shop saved along with those trapped inside, Hugh was a hero. The town presented him with a plaque in honor of his courageous deeds. On this plaque was a detailed etching of a bear, and Hugh was touched because he loved bears. But it was the words etched beneath that truly touched him.

"Only Hugh could prevent florist fires."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Primatebuddy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2015
🚨︎ report
I was so proud

My nephew doesn't like to wear underwear. His dad's name is Scott.

Dad: Ya know the Scottish don't wear underwear beneath their kilts. I wonder if [nephew] is Scottish. Me: He is Scott...ish

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrapper7
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2014
🚨︎ report
My fiancee is ready to join the ranks...

We live in a building with 2 levels of underground parking.

"I like parking on the first floor because the second floor is beneath me."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nsurgnie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2014
🚨︎ report
We've been pronouncing it incorrectly all along!

The snacking nut millions around the world is actually pronounced 'amond' and not 'almond'. I found this out recently when visiting family friends who own an amond orchard in CA.

I asked the owner why they are supposed to be called amonds and not almonds and he said it has to do with the harvesting process. See what they do is spread a large tarp out beneath the almond tree. Then they bring in a machine that attaches to the trunk. This machine is very specialized and is designed to create prolonged and intense vibrations, similar to the tool that is used to level/even out concrete. Once the machine is attached to the almond tree it is turned out. The intense vibrations in the trunk lead to the amonds falling out of the tree and onto the tarp. You see, the machine "shook the L out of em!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zangywastaken
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2014
🚨︎ report
My wife told me, β€œI don’t think I’ve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!”

Me: Floors are beneath me.

πŸ‘︎ 232
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to vacuum the floor.

I said "come on, that is beneath me"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me, β€œI don’t think I’ve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!”

Me: β€œFloors are beneath me.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Her: I don’t think I ever seen you sweep or mop in my life!

Me: Floors are beneath me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife: Why don’t I ever seen you mop, vacuum, or sweep?

Me: I think floors are beneath me.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to vacuum the floor.

I said "come on, that is beneath me"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
🚨︎ report

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