I think we're solemates
mint to be together.
She told me I could only take one thing I loved with me
So I threw her over my shoulder and walked out
I think that’s all the pleasant-trees sorted.
Spilled red wine all over my side-couch table and the book I was reading. My sister in law (over for the holidays) grabbed the book, (already soaked with Cabernet) I told her “you can keep it, but it’s already half RED” I was so proud of myself but got not a single chuckle. I knew this was the place to report my major dad joke accomplishment. Edit*
By the way, I work in hospice and the book was “ “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It’s an amazing read for anyone facing end of life. If it is you, or someone you love. Not to abuse my post,but it’s a best read! I am in no way associated or benefiting from any sales of this book.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.
He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.
The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.
The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.
That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.
The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. ‘’Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of ‘Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.
He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes
For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like ‘’pineapple sauce!’’ and ‘’love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.
The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.
The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this h
... keep reading on reddit ➡There once was a guy who love tractors almost as much as his wife. But one horrible day, his wife was run over by a tractor. The guy goes into a deep depression, sold all his tractors and could never look at one the same.
One day he was out at a eating at a cafe, when there was a fire in the kitchen, filling the cafe with smoke. The guy sucked up all the smoke and blew it out outside. The people at the cafe celebrated him. someone asked him how did he do it, he replied "im an ex-tractor fan"
He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:
"Nice suit."
The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.
Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:
"That's a lovely watch."
Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:
"Great haircut."
The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:
"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."
"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.
"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.
A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:
"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."
Baby balloon asked mummy and daddy balloon if he could sleep in their bed as he was scared of the storm, daddy balloon said no, you're old enough to not be scared of a storm.
They all go to bed but baby balloon can't sleep, the storm gets louder and he gets really scared, so he decides he's going to squeeze into mummy and daddies bed anyway.
First he tries squeezing between the two of them but doesn't fit, so he undone his knot and let some air out and tried again, still didn't fit, so he undone mummies knot and let some air out, he still didn't fit, so he undone daddies knot and let some air out, still didn't fit.
So finally he undone his knot one more time and let a lot of air out, and he finally managed to fit between mummy and daddy and had a lovely nights sleep feeling safe while the storm passed over.
In the morning daddy balloon was not happy: 'look son, you're big enough and old enough to stay in your room and not be scared of a storm,
You let me down,
You let your mother down,
But most of all you let yourself down'.
This was a few years ago, but my father-in-law loves to tell this story:
He witnessed a car accident at a 4-way stop. Nothing serious, just a fender-bender. The car who had run the stop sign drove off. My FIL pulled over, of course, checked on the driver of the other car, and offered to call the police.
And then he saw it. Laying on the pavement, right at the spot of the impact, was the other car's license plate. He quietly picked it up, set it in his car, and hoped he would get the right set-up.
He was not disappointed. After giving the officer his description of the accident, the officer asked, "Did you happen to get the license plate of the other car?"
FIL, totally deadpan, says, "Why, as a matter of fact..." as he reaches into his car and pulls out the license plate, "I've got it right here."
As if on cue, another officer at the scene came walking up right at that moment, asking, "Was he able to get the plates?"
FIL holds the plate up higher, points to it, "Yep, right here!"
Peak dad joke.
For many years he collected all kinds of them. Red snails, green snails, blue snails, snails with conical shells, snails with circular shells, whatever he could find.
There was one type he didn't like however: snails with bumpy shells. The bumps just looked incredibly ugly to him.
As the years went by, he became known in various collector communities for being the Snail-Man. That's how he met his wife.
Unfortunately, while she also loved snails, she loved the ones with bumpy shells.
Despite this, they got along swimmingly. They were happily married for 45 years.
Eventually, his wife was diagnosed with cancer and passed away. A local newspaper decided to interview Snail-Man about his experiences collecting snails with his wife over the years.
"You and your wife were world-renowned snail collectors. You must be taking this loss pretty hard." the interviewer said.
"To be honest" he responded "I'm pretty relaxed about the whole situation."
Surprised the interviewer asked "why"?
"She liked bumpy snails, but now that she's gone it's all smooth snailing from here."
Yes, you've caught me I'm not actually a dad but rather a 16 year old female. This is a mess of a story so please bear with me:)
The other day I went downstairs to take my nighttime meds. When I got to the dining room, I saw my dad sitting at the island and he just looked so... sad. I've NEVER seen him like that before but he just seemed so lost and it broke me to see him like that.
My dad always puts on the tough guy act for whatever reason. I doubt he wanted anyone to see him like that so I pretended not to notice. So, I walked over and started chatting with him. We talked about school and video games for a bit until the conversation went a bit dead. However, I had the lovely idea of telling him some dad jokes because those always cheer me up:)
Here are a few of the jokes I told (yes, I did steal them from here haha):
What did the lawyer wear to court?
A lawsuit
-----------
What do you call a romantic vampire?
A necromancer
-----------
Why didn't 4 ask out 5?
Because he was 2²
----------
I told more but I don't remember them off the top of my head.
Those jokes did spark conversation and it made me realize how much I missed having chats with my dad.
After about an hour and a half, I unfortunately had to go to bed as I had school in the morning.
However, since then my dad and I have been regularly having chats:)
Pig plays the drums, Horse sings, and Cow plays the guitar. They’re all exceptionally talented, and form a band, supplementing other spots from around the city. They play local dives, some free shows in the park, and they begin to get some traction. Pig suggests they record an album, and they send demos all over. One label is willing to give them a shot, and they open for a B List name on their tour. During the tour, they amass millions of fans, and by the time they record their first major studio album, they have a following so big that 3 of their songs top the charts. They soon find themselves headlining their own tour, as well as every major music festival.
The three friends are over the moon with their success. Never in their wildest dreams did they believe they’d find themselves rubbing shoulders with music greats. It doesn’t come without its downsides, though. Pig has turned to coke and pills to help him get through the long nights. Horse loves the party side of his new life, and his band mates often hide bottles from him when they’re not dragging him, drunk, to his bed. Cow is sad. Watching his friends fall apart, he misses being home and when things were more simple. Keeping his friends in line and covering for them is taking a toll on his own health.
After a year and a half on the road, the band is in the studio attempting to record their second album. Horse is fast asleep, drooling on the mixing board, hungover from the night before. Pig hasn’t even shown up. Cow has a breakdown, and shakes Horse awake. “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” Horse waves him off, and falls back asleep. Cow packs up his guitar and buys a one-way ticket home.
A few days later, Pig is all over the news. He’s in jail for possession. Cow watches the news and shakes his head. He knew it was a sinking ship. Horse hears the news from their manager, who is also calling to tell him that he quit. He wakes up to the phone call, and texts Cow, pleading to have a conversation. Radio silence. Horse stumbles out of bed and heads for his favorite pub. He can’t believe that he’s down two friends, that the band has split up, and his life is in shambles. He sits at the bar. “I’ll have my usual,” he says. The bartender leans over to hand Horse a whiskey. “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables. I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
“Excuse me,” I said, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, “It’s Wales!”
“No offense intended,” I replied. “Please allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”
No disrespect intended 🙂
So I work at a bank part time, I usually get a joke or two from here each day and tell it to my boss over MS Teams. We have a chuckle and go about our day. My last day was alright set for tomorrow (Saturday).
Wednesday the top joke was: How does a Mexican cut his pizza? With little caesars.
Apparently that could be seen as racist by the bank management that could potentially see everything written in our chats. So I get pulled into the office and it was all just verbal warning blah blah. I was obviously not my intention to be racist as I am a Christian dad who just loves jokes and eye rolls as you do on this sub.
Fast forward to today, my last Friday in the banking world. I'm on to bigger and better things. By now everyone knows the joke and everyone knows that the manager overreacted. My assistant manager bought some pizza in my honor and didn't think about where she got it from. So of course when she said it out loud in the teller line I started cracking up. 'I got Little Caesars for you.'
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
So there was a man who really loved his tractors. All of his life were about tractors. He had posters, DVD's and owned a lot of tractors. This man loved his tractors.
But there was one thing he loved more than his tractors. It was his lovely wife. One day, she was out on the fields and got crushed by a tractor. The man tried to save her but with no luck. She was killed by a tractor.
This man, despite his love of tractors, he got rid of everything. The posters he burns. The DVD's he throws them in the bin. The tractors he sells.
It takes him a while but he finally gets over his wife and he goes on a date with a new woman.
So they are in this fancy restaurant and they enjoy their food. But all of the sudden a lot of smoke comes out of the kitchen. It spreads through the entire restaurant. Everyone panics and no one can get fresh air, so they run out.
The man says: "calm down, I got this". He sucks all of the smoke in, runs outside and blows it all out. He has cleared all of the smoke in the restaurant. He comes back in and continues his meal. His date is surprised and impressed and says: "How did you do that?". Then he answers:
I am an extractor fan
I heard this joke probably 35-40 years ago and just thought of it again recently. My dad loved this joke, but I can't remember the punchline.
An older couple had been married for many, many years. So many years in fact that she knew all his jokes my heart. They decided to save time by numbering all of his jokes. While sitting together in their rockers, he would lean over and whisper, "Number 7." She giggled while continuing her knitting. A few minutes later, he learned over again and whispered, "Number 12." This time, she laughed out loud.
Then something funny happens.
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit ➡Two chemistry professors at my school hated each other. No one knows why the rivalry started, but it escalated from common pranks to elaborate traps using their knowledge of chemical reactions. After one particular prank resulted in the fire alarm being triggered, the dean had enough. He ordered the two to sit together in the lounge at lunch and spend their free periods in each other's classroom.
Over the school year, they began to get to know each other better and eventually became friends. They became god-parents to each other's children, attended their graduations, and even saw them married. After the two men retired, they continued to spend time together, they learned to make YouTube and TikTok videos about chemistry and even went golfing together. If they never hated each other enough to devise elaborate pranks, they never would have been forced to spend time together and eventually become friends connected by their love of chemistry.
It was an ironic bond.
My usual response: Hi I'm Friday! Come over Saturday and we'll have a Sunday!
(After 30 years, my oldest, he still loves it and can't wait to become a dad! I still text them ("My Three Sons") my dad jokes for the day (from this sub and another) from to time and still get the groaning replies! LOL! Oh yeah, my youngest shares them with his friends! Ah, I have become an adopted dad jokester!)
... so he insisted his friends attend practice over and over again to get all the details right, from the music to the speeches to the lowering of the coffin at the end.
He just loved rehearsing.
But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.
So, we're going to a Fulham football match, my Dad is meeting me outside the ground but he's running late. I spoke to my Mum asking where he is and she says he's not far away but in a bad mood because he's got a cold, he left later than intended and the traffic was awful!
He arrives and we walk in about 10 mins late and as we walk through the turnstiles, Fulham score and we hear a massive cheer from the stands, we're below the stands at this moment and can't see.
We take our seats and a couple of minutes later I look over at my Dad's phone. My Mum has texted my Dad asking if he's arrived at the ground ok and his text that he'd written out was "Yes, everyone cheered when we walked in!".
Bloody love that man.
...and as he looks across the road he sees a man with a giant orange head. The man with the giant orange head looks over and smiles, crossing the road to speak to the other man.
"I'm so sorry, "says the first man, "I didn't mean to stare at you!" "It's absolutely fine," says the man with the giant orange head, "Happens all the time. I bet you're wondering how I got this giant orange head." "Well, yes!" replied the first man. "Well...my grandmother died recently. She had been unwell for a long time and basically raised me as my parents had died when I was very young. She raised me alone as my grandfather had died before I was born. We didn't have very much but we were happy. I loved her very much. After her funeral, it was time to clear the house as it was rented and I wanted to move on anyway. I was up in the attic going through her papers and I saw this dusty old lamp. I lifted it, gave it a little rub and there was a huge flash. When I opened my eyes there was a strange looking man. It felt like he looked into my soul. 'I am the genie of the lamp' he said, 'and I grant you three wishes' I didn't believe him at first but deep within me I knew it was true. He asked me what my first wish was and clichéd as it was, I said World Peace."
"Hahaha...how did that work out?" asked the first man.
"Well, " replied the man with the giant orange head, "have you heard of any wars or riots happening in the last few days?"
"Come to think of it, " said the first man, "You're right. The news has been pretty positive! Wow! That's amazing. So what did you choose for your second wish?"
"I gave it a few minutes thought this time " smiled the man with the giant orange head, "and remembering how poor we were, I wished for an unending supply of money."
"Did it work??" asked the first man.
"It did!" replied the man with the giant orange head, "here's £10,000 from my pocket. Enjoy it, I've got as much as I want."
"Wow, thank you so much!" said the first man, "that's incredibly generous of you, I don't know what to say! Oh wait! What did you ask for for your third wish?"
"I wished for a giant orange head."
Dad Awards
To truly capture the “Spirit of the Dad” what are some achievements you think make a True Dad?
-
“Fixed it!” - complete an entire home improvement project in a single trip to the hardware/lumber store.
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“Gotcha!” - demonstrate the Dad Reflex by catching a toddler seconds before disaster.
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“That’s my boy/girl!” - get in trouble with the SO when your son/daughter picked up a bad habit of yours, or develops your bad sense of humor/pranks.
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“Here boy!” - develop a stronger bond with the new family pet than any of the kids who wanted it in the first place.
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“Office time” - spend at least 30 minutes in the bathroom hiding from the kids/spouse even though you don’t actually have to go to the bathroom.
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“Blame it on the dog” - make at least one passenger choke on a fart in the car.
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“Really?” - have a kid/spouse completely buy in to one of your bad dad jokes. (I had my wife convinced for nearly an hour that the rumble strips on the side of the highway was called the “Brailleway” and it was for blind drivers)
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“But the kids will love it!” - use the kids as justification to purchase something that you’ve always wanted.
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“Try it, you’ll like it!” - introduce a kid into your hobby as an excuse to go out more often than the spouse would usually tolerate.
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“Saved the day!” - prevent a meltdown by fixing the favorite toy that seemed completely destroyed.
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“Animal surgeon” - conduct ‘surgery’ to patch up a favorite stuffed animal.
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“Here, let me show you” - take over a video game under the guise of showing the kid how to play.
What else can you add to this list?
... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡In his flat bed he has a bunch of little ducklings. He drives past a police car which immediately fires up his blues and twos, and pulls the pickup truck over.
Policeman says: Sorry mate, you can't be driving around with ducks in your flatbed. You have to take them to the zoo or something.
So, the next day, the same man is driving the same pickup truck on the same road with the same ducklings in the back, except this time they're all wearing sunglasses! The same police officer pulls him over again.
Policeman says: look mate, I told you yesterday to take those bloody baby ducks to the zoo!
Man says: I did, they absolutely loved it! We're going to the seaside next!
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef. He invites 3 renowned chefs from all over the kingdom to serve him and the favorite will become the new royal chef!
The first chef serves the king an enormous rack of ribs. "Very impressive," said the king.
The second chef serves a huge steak, cooked to perfection. "So satisfying," said the king.
The third chef gives the king a plate with small rocks on a bed of shredded cabbage. "What the hell is this," the king asks.
The third chef says, "These rocks fell from the sky into my back yard. Indeed, ribs and steak are very meaty, but asteroids are meteor!"
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.
After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.
A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.
After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"
The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...
They're complimentary."
My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!
- I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
- I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
- I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
- I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
- I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
- I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
- I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
- I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
- I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
- I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
- I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
- I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
- I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
- I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
- I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
- I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
- I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
- I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
- I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
- I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
- I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
- I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
- I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
- I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
- I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
- I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
- I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
- I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
- I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
- I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
- I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
- I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
- I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit
Heard this one years ago. Not OC
There's a man who loves tractors. Has tractor bed sheets tractor wallpaper. He loves them.
One day his wife says his obsession is getting in the way of their relationship so he is given an ultimatum. Either the tractor stuff goes or she does.
He takes a long walk to think it over and eventually decides to get rid of the tractor stuff.
A few years later he is walking down the road when he sees a building on fire and people still inside screaming from the windows. He runs up to the letterbox. Puts his mouth over the letterbox and sucks out all the bad fumes.
After the people were saved the fireman asks him how he saved all the people inside.
The man replies: I'm an ex tractor fan
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡