At least he won't turn over in his grave.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
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︎ Feb 23 2021
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best
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︎ Mar 28 2021
It carried over into real life, too!
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︎ Apr 15 2021
I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
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︎ Apr 17 2021
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
my crush came over to play with legos
it was a good way to build a relationship
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︎ Apr 06 2021
You know, out West they're started to ban those big round bales of hay you see in that field over there..
.... The cows aren't getting three square meals a day.
(Also, to those who tell dad jokes at every opportunity, I really appreciate you. As a person who grew up without the joy of a pops embarrassing me with terrible jokes, I was always bewildered by the stereotype. Recently though, I've been taking a microeconomics course I was dreading having to take and my professor has "big econ dad" energy. There's a joke every few minutes in his lectures and they give me the energy to keep going. You are appreciated. Even if your kids, spouse, partner, friends, strangers groan at you, undoubtedly someone out there really appreciates your goofiness).
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Pulled over
(my first attempt, please have mercy)
Cop: Sir I need you to blow in this breathalyzer.
Driver: I can't, I'm an asthmatic
Cop: Then I need to do a blood draw.
Driver: I can't, I'm an hemophiliac
Cop: then I need to ask you to step out of the vehicle and walk in a straight line
Driver: I can't, I'm drunk.
Ok, I leave now....
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︎ Apr 12 2021
Met a beautiful girl over Spring Break in Mexico, but she constantly talked about the end of the world.
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 05 2021
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 08 2021
Me: Son, that Scarecrow over there is the best you can get. Son: How do you know that?
Me: Because heβs out standing in his field.
π︎ 11
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I keep reading The Lord of the Rings over and over again and I can't stop.
I guess it is just a force of Hobbit
π︎ 17
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︎ Mar 22 2021
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
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︎ Mar 18 2021
My wife said that the steak was over-seasoned
But she says that a lot, so take it with a grain of salt.
π︎ 29
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Why Do Seagulls Fly Over The Sea?
Because If They Flew Over The Bay They Would Be Bagels...
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 06 2021
I ran over a nail and popped my tire when my wife and I left the farmers market.
I should have bought asparagus.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Over 100 years ago 2 brothers announced that they could fly.
Turns out, they were Wright.
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 19 2021
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
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︎ Apr 19 2021
A bus carrying tourists headed to see Elvis Presleyβs Graceland has over turned. No one was injured
But they were all shook up.
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 07 2021
I know over 100 languages
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︎ Mar 09 2021
I swear, I put it down right over there!
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 02 2021
In these challenging times, I worry about the virus and keeping a roof over my head.
So I went and got the shingles vaccine.
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 08 2021
I tripped over my wife's bra
π︎ 69
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Coronavirus is now all over the world
But China got it right off the bat.
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︎ Jan 04 2021
My friend from Prague came over to play D&D. Instead of just a face mask, he's wearing full body armor
The Czech is in the mail.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
Did you hear about the priest who was admitted into the hospital with over two dozen little plastic horses lodged in his rectum.
Doctors say he is in stable condition.
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︎ Mar 20 2021
I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once.
It was a evil idea in Heinz- sight.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 09 2021
What do you see when a duck bends over?
π︎ 29
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︎ Mar 05 2021
A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers"
I yelled, "Scissors" and drove off.
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︎ Mar 01 2021
My parents were upset when I told them I wouldn't be taking over the family bakery.
That's just not how I roll.
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I looked out of the window and my dad was slumped over the lawnmower
crying his eyes out. I said to my mum "what's up with him?"
She said "he's just going through a rough patch".
π︎ 29
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︎ Mar 04 2021
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
π︎ 28
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︎ Mar 07 2021
A friend was grating parmesan cheese over pasta and said the cheese looked like a polygon.
I said, "Well, if you keep grating it, soon it will be all gone."
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 14 2021
Doctor leaning over a patient who is slowly falling asleep due to anesthetic
-
No worries Steve, this will work out just fine. Itβs an easy procedure.
-
But doctor, Iβm not Steve!!
-
I know, I am Steve.
π︎ 8
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︎ Mar 25 2021
Canβt wait for Summer to be over
Itβs going to be Autumn
Edit: horrible spelling error
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 29 2021
My Vegan girlfriend left me over the meal I cooked last night.
What can I say? M'steaks were made.
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 09 2021
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
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︎ Feb 23 2021
What do you call a cow stepping over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.
My Dad a actually told me this one.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
Why did the Mexican push his wife over the cliff ?
π︎ 90
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︎ Feb 11 2021
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
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︎ Mar 25 2021
The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 08 2021
My kidβs chemistry teacher was arrested in class yesterday. He was pouring out teaspoons of sodium chloride for each student, but because the class was rowdy, he kept losing his place and having to start over.
The police charged him with multiple counts of a salt.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 09 2021
When my wife found me playing with my sonβs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 17 2021
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay they would be baygulls.
π︎ 46
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︎ Jan 23 2021
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