There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
You know, out West they're started to ban those big round bales of hay you see in that field over there..
.... The cows aren't getting three square meals a day.
(Also, to those who tell dad jokes at every opportunity, I really appreciate you. As a person who grew up without the joy of a pops embarrassing me with terrible jokes, I was always bewildered by the stereotype. Recently though, I've been taking a microeconomics course I was dreading having to take and my professor has "big econ dad" energy. There's a joke every few minutes in his lectures and they give me the energy to keep going. You are appreciated. Even if your kids, spouse, partner, friends, strangers groan at you, undoubtedly someone out there really appreciates your goofiness).
Me: Son, that Scarecrow over there is the best you can get. Son: How do you know that?
Me: Because he’s out standing in his field.
I swear, I put it down right over there!
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information
Me: Hey, Dad, is that a man standing next to an igloo over there?
Dad: It's just an Aleutian.
"Huh, why are those big cats over there *blue*?"
"Oh, they're just a hyper-lynx."
Dad, what's that big flat hill over there?
Son that's called a Plateau, it's the highest form of flattery known to man.
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
My wife is going through a tropical food craze. There are fruits all over the house!
It's enough to make a mango crazy!
I bet it smells great over there!
If there’s one thing I learned over the years, its this…
When your wife starts a conversation with “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you just smile and agree. Don’t correct her, it’s a trap.
There's a new show on BBC where heroin junkies can determine via experts, how much money they've shot up over the years.
It's called,Cash in the Addict.
My wife stood up and said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits of a movie.
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
This whole subreddit has been taken over by puns, it's like there's a pundemic
I lost my watch at a party once, turns out there was a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. I went over to him a punched him, saying, “No one does that to a woman...
Every time i drive over a railroad crossing I say there's been a train through here recently do you know how I can tell?
Arguing over current events is perfectly natural, but there’s a time and a place.
It makes people uncomfortable when they see you mask debating in public.
"There's a 60% chance the killer shot the victim from this spot right here and a 40% chance he shot from over there", said the detective.
"This concludes my probaballistic report."
When I was a kid, I fell down and hurt my knee. As I sat there crying, my father came over to check on me.
Dad pointed to a red area near the top of my knee that was obviously the injury and said “where does it hurt? Is it your high knee, (then he points much lower) or your low knee?”
I respond, “it’s my high knee.”
Dad says, “it’s your heinie??! I thought you hurt your knee!”
I remember being furious. I have now pulled this one on my five year old, and I can’t wait until my one year old is old enough to be on the receiving end of it as well.
Dad: I don't like those trees over there Son: Why not dad?
There's a vegan girl over there
Are you sure you haven't met herbivore?
I was reading a history book, and apparently in the middle east there were hundreds of years where nocturnal predator birds used to fly around and ejaculate all over the place. The Arabic people would keep each other up to date on the latest attacks; and so marked the beginning of...
Have acetaminophen over there.
There are historical accounts of Attila and his army seeing strange otherworldly ships hovering over the battlefields.
These were Hun Identified Flying Objects.
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”
Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.
Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.
A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there, he's not misbehaving"
The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then"
Why is there confusion over the health of North Korea’s leader?
When the reporter asked the doctor “how is Kim Jong Un?”
Doctor replied: Kim Jong Ill
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when I got it there was too much milk and not enough coffee
Better latte than never I suppose
I asked my North Korean friend how it was going over there.
He says he can't complain.
Did you know there are over 2 million Flat Earthers?
Yeah, they’re all around the world.
Since vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don’t just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why there are so many vampires from Europe...
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa.
I saw something in the tub and thought the cat took a crap in there, but he just knocked over some of my wife’s hair care products.
Now I consider myself a pretty bad person, But the guy who stole food from that birthday party over there
Hey son, you see that silo over there? A man died there once.
He was trying to find a corner to pee in.
My wife just said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me —-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
My wife told me, “Its over”, and started walking out. I just sat there.
I love watching the end credits.
My wife just said, "It's over," and started walking out on me. I just sat there.
I really enjoyed watching the end credits, tho
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