9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
My friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn’t afford the bill.
He really got a head of himself.
A bit later than usual, but here's Dadvent day 9!
I hope he said Tank you later xD
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
I once ate two pieces of string and an hour later they came out my ass tied together
Just figured I’d announce that I’ll be doing a theatrical performance on puns later this week.
Rick Astley rents the movie Up from the rental store, 3 weeks later he gets a call from the rental store employees saying that his rental is 3 weeks overdue, what does Rick Astley say?
I’ll do a digital one later
I fell asleep in the cab and later I woke up with my liver missing
I'm starting to think that the driver who said he'll "deliver me" was a bit shady.
Job Interview for Later
Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.
It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.
Felt. Might delete later.
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"
... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Second joke my dad ever told me, which I later found out he stole from Carlin: you know how you can tell when a moth farts?
It flies in a straight line.
8 months later, you will say
The other day I was walking down the street and I commented that I like someone’s spunky shoes. 10 minutes later I passed her again and she gave me a $5 bill she found on the ground.
That’s karma in real life
"He's the most foul mouthed person to ever live!" screamed the scientist who cloned himself and later tried to throw the clone off the roof.
He was arrested for attempting to make an obscene clone fall.
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
See you later, alligator.
I have an appointment with this arborist later
Two guys broke into a medical cannabis dispensary and were later arrested.
They were definitely 'pot-ners in crime'
My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later. I've heard him tell it many times over the years.
Or maybe later . . .
Me: I need to make one of those diagrams that uses two overlapping circles.
Wife: Venn?
Me: Right now.
Wife: speechless eye roll
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...
“I guess it’s probably the wrong time.”
I drew £30 out of the ATM earlier. A couple of minutes later I heard the sound of 'Nessun Dorma' coming from my wallet.
"Must be those three tenners" I thought to myself
Found in my library, might delete later
I caught my son smoking pot in the garage, and a few minutes later, my wife walked in.
She caught my son and me smoking pot in the garage.
He later choked while eating his artichoke.
A friend completely mis-said something. 5 minutes of crappy mobile photoshop later....
Salmon are born in a river, swim out to sea for most of their lives, and then one day years later swim back against insurmountable odds to the very spot where they were born.
And I can’t find my car in the parking lot.
My self-centered friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn't afford the bill.
He really got a head of himself.
I’ll call you later
Don't call me later, call me Dad!
my party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together....
Son: I’ll call you later
Me: Don’t call me later, call me Dad
I told my dad that I'd call him later
He: "No.. just call me dad"
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Me: I'll call you later, Dad: dont call me later, call me dad
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