It offends those who have already done it.
I need a Plan B.
Quaranteens.
He really got a head of himself.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I shit you knot
It’s a play on words.
Never gonna give you Up!
I'm starting to think that the driver who said he'll "deliver me" was a bit shady.
...from the fruits of our labor
Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."
It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.
... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
It flies in a straight line.
That’s karma in real life
He was arrested for attempting to make an obscene clone fall.
It's old butt gold.
Is it a date?
They were definitely 'pot-ners in crime'
Me: I need to make one of those diagrams that uses two overlapping circles.
Wife: Venn?
Me: Right now.
Wife: speechless eye roll
“I guess it’s probably the wrong time.”
"Must be those three tenners" I thought to myself
She caught my son and me smoking pot in the garage.
He really got a head of himself.
Don't call me later, call me Dad!
i shit you knot!
Me: Don’t call me later, call me Dad
He: "No.. just call me dad"
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
