They must've had wet dreams later
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ilessthanthreenyc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Now and later candies are changing thier name.

It offends those who have already done it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/djnipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I hate working for what I want. Capitalism has ruined everything. Every time I dip my pen in the company ink, nine months later my wife hires a new employee.

I need a Plan B.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/godkingmaker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....

Quaranteens.

πŸ‘︎ 603
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A bit later than usual, but here's Dadvent day 9!
πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/teRi9229
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn’t afford the bill.

He really got a head of himself.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I hope he said Tank you later xD
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A few years later....
πŸ‘︎ 197
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Staarlord
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 188
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/6Bazrael66
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I once ate two pieces of string and an hour later they came out my ass tied together

I shit you knot

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chettamine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
See you later
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Just figured I’d announce that I’ll be doing a theatrical performance on puns later this week.

It’s a play on words.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VictorHelios1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Rick Astley rents the movie Up from the rental store, 3 weeks later he gets a call from the rental store employees saying that his rental is 3 weeks overdue, what does Rick Astley say?

Never gonna give you Up!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ll do a digital one later
πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/h3y0002
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I fell asleep in the cab and later I woke up with my liver missing

I'm starting to think that the driver who said he'll "deliver me" was a bit shady.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maraudershake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...

...from the fruits of our labor

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IronHusker88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Job Interview for Later

Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Felt. Might delete later.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/big_bang482
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.

It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"

... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

πŸ‘︎ 530
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 363
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote β€œAnt” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vtfb79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
See EU later
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Second joke my dad ever told me, which I later found out he stole from Carlin: you know how you can tell when a moth farts?

It flies in a straight line.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jDubbaYo
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Praefectus27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
🚨︎ report
8 months later, you will say

Hindsight is 2020

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/prasaadii
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The other day I was walking down the street and I commented that I like someone’s spunky shoes. 10 minutes later I passed her again and she gave me a $5 bill she found on the ground.

That’s karma in real life

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
See you later, alligator.
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coopstar07
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
"He's the most foul mouthed person to ever live!" screamed the scientist who cloned himself and later tried to throw the clone off the roof.

He was arrested for attempting to make an obscene clone fall.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later. I've heard him tell it many times over the years.

It's old butt gold.

πŸ‘︎ 212
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/byebyebyecycle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I have an appointment with this arborist later

Is it a date?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nadrojylloh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Two guys broke into a medical cannabis dispensary and were later arrested.

They were definitely 'pot-ners in crime'

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Or maybe later . . .

Me: I need to make one of those diagrams that uses two overlapping circles.

Wife: Venn?

Me: Right now.

Wife: speechless eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wordsonascreen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...

β€œI guess it’s probably the wrong time.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/devin23b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I drew Β£30 out of the ATM earlier. A couple of minutes later I heard the sound of 'Nessun Dorma' coming from my wallet.

"Must be those three tenners" I thought to myself

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Found in my library, might delete later
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlameExploision
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I caught my son smoking pot in the garage, and a few minutes later, my wife walked in.

She caught my son and me smoking pot in the garage.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My self-centered friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn't afford the bill.

He really got a head of himself.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ll call you later

Don't call me later, call me Dad!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Odinnextgen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
my party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together....

i shit you knot!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mznalouise22
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: I’ll call you later

Me: Don’t call me later, call me Dad

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my dad that I'd call him later

He: "No.. just call me dad"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 255
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.