When puns slide into your DMs
When registering for college classes, pick ones taught by heterosexual Canadians whenever possible.
They always give straight "eh"s.
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
The detective shuddered when he realised the weapons from each crime scene were the same weight
They weren't just chasing a serial killer, they were chasing a mass murderer
Why do people say "we're running late " even when they're not running?
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"
I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.
What did the military-grade laxative say when he entered the bowels?
“I’ve come to relieve you of your duty”
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
When quarantine messes up your plans...
Don’t you guys hate it when you have hare in your soup
My girlfriend totally changed when she became a vegan
It's like I never knew herbivore.
They all laughed when I said I want to be a comedian…
They’re not laughing now!
What did the farmer say when all of his haystacks were stolen?
Only works when spoken instead of typed out
What do you see when the Pillsbury dough boy bends over?
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one
When is National Alzheimer’s Day?
I like it when the Earth rotates
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!
Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...
He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"
I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".
What did the cannibal wife give her cannibal husband when he arrived home late?
What do you get when you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooood.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
What do you call it when you go to an amateur dentist?
What do you have when you sharpen a pencil?
Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?
That's what I do when I'm Russian
When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar really badly.
And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar really badly.
Why did the policeman think it was ok to enter a residence when he thought he heard bird calls inside?
So I'm walking down stairs with my 2 year old son this morning when my wife calls from the kitchen...
"Hey, you boys Wahstarving?"
"umm... what?"
"Cause I've got WAHFULLS!"
(She was so proud, a decent dad joke from the mama panda)
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little shit used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
I went to the beekeeper to get a dozen bees. When he gave me the bag, I counted 13, so I said “oops, you gave me an extra-“
He said “Nah, that’s a freebie”
My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction
She packed up her bags and right.
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, ‘This isn’t for me.”
When I was a kid, having fun was simple, we just rolled down hills in old tires..
Yes..those were the Goodyears.
I'm trying to eat more kale because it's healthy. But when I see it on my plate, I ask myself...
Do the ends really justify the greens?
What do you get when you mix a penis, potato & a boat?
Where does a dog go when it loses its tail?
What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen....
I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox..
..no one even raises an eyebrow.
When teachers mix history and modern pop culture
When you are at rock bottom in life...
I lost the tips of my feet in an accident, and later when I told my friend what happened he suddenly punched me.
Turns out he’s lack-toes intolerant
When I was in France I tried to climb a huge tower
What happens when a painter gets cold?
He/she puts on another coat.
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
I like it when Earth rotates....
When is a door not a door?
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