When puns slide into your DMs
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︎ Aug 12 2020
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︎ Jun 10 2008
When registering for college classes, pick ones taught by heterosexual Canadians whenever possible.
They always give straight "eh"s.
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︎ May 24 2021
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
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︎ May 01 2021
The detective shuddered when he realised the weapons from each crime scene were the same weight
They weren't just chasing a serial killer, they were chasing a mass murderer
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︎ Jun 01 2021
Why do people say "we're running late " even when they're not running?
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︎ May 15 2021
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
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︎ May 26 2021
I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"
I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.
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︎ May 20 2021
What did the military-grade laxative say when he entered the bowels?
โIโve come to relieve you of your dutyโ
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︎ May 28 2021
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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︎ Mar 19 2021
When quarantine messes up your plans...
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︎ May 07 2021
Donโt you guys hate it when you have hare in your soup
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︎ May 19 2021
My girlfriend totally changed when she became a vegan
It's like I never knew herbivore.
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︎ Mar 25 2021
They all laughed when I said I want to be a comedianโฆ
Theyโre not laughing now!
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︎ Jun 03 2021
What did the farmer say when all of his haystacks were stolen?
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︎ Apr 22 2021
Only works when spoken instead of typed out
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︎ Apr 22 2021
What do you see when the Pillsbury dough boy bends over?
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︎ May 22 2021
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one
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︎ May 27 2021
When is National Alzheimerโs Day?
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︎ May 31 2021
I like it when the Earth rotates
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︎ May 22 2021
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!
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︎ May 14 2021
Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...
He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"
I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".
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︎ May 07 2021
What did the cannibal wife give her cannibal husband when he arrived home late?
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︎ Jun 03 2021
What do you get when you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooood.
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︎ May 25 2021
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
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︎ May 26 2021
What do you call it when you go to an amateur dentist?
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︎ May 21 2021
What do you have when you sharpen a pencil?
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︎ May 28 2021
Why did I stop and take a shot of vodka when I was running late to work?
That's what I do when I'm Russian
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︎ Apr 27 2021
When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar really badly.
And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar really badly.
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︎ May 05 2021
Why did the policeman think it was ok to enter a residence when he thought he heard bird calls inside?
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︎ May 29 2021
So I'm walking down stairs with my 2 year old son this morning when my wife calls from the kitchen...
"Hey, you boys Wahstarving?"
"umm... what?"
"Cause I've got WAHFULLS!"
(She was so proud, a decent dad joke from the mama panda)
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︎ May 28 2021
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little shit used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
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︎ May 26 2021
I went to the beekeeper to get a dozen bees. When he gave me the bag, I counted 13, so I said โoops, you gave me an extra-โ
He said โNah, thatโs a freebieโ
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︎ May 05 2021
My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction
She packed up her bags and right.
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︎ Feb 20 2021
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, โThis isnโt for me.โ
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︎ May 08 2021
When I was a kid, having fun was simple, we just rolled down hills in old tires..
Yes..those were the Goodyears.
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︎ May 17 2021
I'm trying to eat more kale because it's healthy. But when I see it on my plate, I ask myself...
Do the ends really justify the greens?
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︎ May 12 2021
What do you get when you mix a penis, potato & a boat?
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︎ May 03 2021
Where does a dog go when it loses its tail?
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︎ May 13 2021
What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen....
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︎ May 31 2021
I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox..
..no one even raises an eyebrow.
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︎ Mar 01 2021
When teachers mix history and modern pop culture
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︎ May 25 2021
When you are at rock bottom in life...
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︎ Mar 23 2021
I lost the tips of my feet in an accident, and later when I told my friend what happened he suddenly punched me.
Turns out heโs lack-toes intolerant
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︎ May 30 2021
When I was in France I tried to climb a huge tower
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︎ May 06 2021
What happens when a painter gets cold?
He/she puts on another coat.
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︎ May 13 2021
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
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︎ Mar 30 2021
What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
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︎ May 10 2021
I like it when Earth rotates....
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︎ May 21 2021
When is a door not a door?
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︎ May 19 2021
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